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Post by leahb on Jan 26, 2016 19:30:44 GMT -8
I haven't been feeling that well for the last 24-48 hours. I'm not sure why. It could be a few things-but what I do know is that being single makes me feel pretty miserable. I feel like less of a person and unworthy of anything. I want so badly for someone to love me. I feel like if I had someone to love me, then life would be more worthwhile and I wouldn't have as many self-harm thoughts or feelings of being a waste of time/space. I'm so sad very often. I have a good job. My boss and my coworkers are pretty amazing people. I have some pretty cool friends. I have some money-not my own house yet, but that's coming. I have a car that works well. I have a lot of educational credentials. Though I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, I'm cute and have a decent body. I really don't have anything to be sad about. But I feel awful inside. I feel like I barely have the energy to move sometimes and though the supplements I'm on help, they are not enough. I see a therapist and go to 12 step meetings, but it doesn't work. I just feel blah.
I feel like I have no purpose for being here and that my life is just pointless. I want the love of a partner. I want someone to live with, dream with and travel with. Somehow I can't make this happen. No matter what I do, nothing works and I'm depressed and feel like ending my life. Im not looking for anyone to necessarily empathize with me or even tell me going on medication will help. I just want someone to come into my life and fix it. A man to come into my life and just love me. Respect me and dream with me. I feel like my life has no meaning. I have no kids, no money really and no partner. 10 years ago my life was full of promise and opportunity. And now... I feel awful so much of the time. Everything feels so insurmountable. Like I'm in a place that is filled with horror and depression.
I guess what I'm doing is asking the universe to help me. Either deliver me a partner or make it so I no longer have love addiction or codependency or find a way to eradicate me from this world.
Life shouldn't be about this much suffering and sadness, isolation and loneliness. It should have more joy and purpose. At this point I don't even want to live my life... Why would anyone want to be partners with someone wjo has such a negative outlook?
I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Write more tomorrow
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Post by paisley on Jan 27, 2016 5:01:35 GMT -8
I think this is true for me. I also think it's natural to want the companionship and love of a significant other, but in my case, the grinding feelings of despair and blah are leftover from my childhood when I felt abandoned and neglected. I had to recognize that, feel that and comfort myself through it.
I still get frustrated with my single situation sometimes. I feel life would be easier with a mate. But then I think about who I end up with when I'm in this state when I become eager to settle for the sake of not being alone. I may get an empty or lonely feeling when I'm single, but the negative emotions that run my life when I'm in an unhealthy relationship are much worse. I think I got that lesson after my last long term relationship and finally realized that I'm better off single than trying to make something work with some of the avoidant men I tend to attract. I felt much more lonely and confused when I was in that relationship than I do now.
Also, tasking a man with making everything ok for me is unrealistic and it's too much to ask of anyone. I get irritated because it seems so unfair that most people don't seem to need to work on themselves and become "complete" and emotionally healthy prior to attracting and having a mate, but then I realize MOST relationships don't last, and even those that do are quite often relationships between two unhappy people who feel stuck or feel they have no other options. Not what I want. Been there, done that.
I guess I'm not much help with my negative outlook on relationships in general, but I recommend evaluating what you think a relationship with a man would actually bring into your life. If you're looking for a savior, that likely NOT the rational adult speaking, it's the wounded inner child and she has pain that will be there whether or not you have a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have a special someone, but it's important to understand that his role is NOT to give your life purpose and meaning. Anyone healthy would be repelled by those expectations. At least in my experience they have.
Hugs to you. I deal with the same thoughts on occasion. My life is amazing...and I actually feel disappointed that I don't have a boyfriend to share in this joy. Maybe I've reached a healthier level where I know I have nothing to be saved from and have no expectations that a man can validate me. My life is amazing and I simply want a day to day partner to share it with. That's all. Some days are good, some are bad, and I know my mood will lift on the bad days regardless of whether Prince Charming shows up, so I'm past that. But sometimes I'm still dumbfounded at the idea that I can't seem to make something work with a guy. Seriously?
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jan 27, 2016 23:58:52 GMT -8
I guess I'm not much help with my negative outlook on relationships in general, but I recommend evaluating what you think a relationship with a man would actually bring into your life. If you're looking for a savior, that likely NOT the rational adult speaking, it's the wounded inner child and she has pain that will be there whether or not you have a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have a special someone, but it's important to understand that his role is NOT to give your life purpose and meaning. Anyone healthy would be repelled by those expectations. At least in my experience they have. Such great and generous advice. I would say your outlook is actually not that negative and definitely helpful Paisley. I hope you find fullfillment, total and absolute, whether with a man or not. I just think about how I would have split up with my bf if it were not for my therapist and my HP stepping in. I am so out of touch with my feelings. 12 steps helps enormously, meetings, outreach, meditation, therapy, but nothing helped me like this particular psychotherapist. I took the time to get to know her, she got to know me, and I paid quite a bit of money for it. But she was amazing. She knew codependency like the back of her hand. She told me I was afraid, and I had no idea I was feeling that. I just thought I should leave to find someone who didn't trigger me in the way he did, ignoring how he's a good, kind person, who doesn't lie, do drugs, etc etc. Love addiction. Blind! And always looking for a high. A fantasy. |
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Post by leahb on Jan 28, 2016 10:46:39 GMT -8
Thank you all for your input, suggestions and support. I just can't get out of this hole. I feel invisible in my own life and don't feel there is much point in sticking around and waiting for it to "improve". I don't feel it ever will. I am so profoundly sad that I can barely make it to work and don't feel like doing anything. In many ways being codependent and a workaholic was better.
I wish I had never woken up
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jan 28, 2016 11:47:16 GMT -8
leahb, you sound very depressed. I hope you can find a way to start batting for yourself. I wanted to comment on something- I could never say being codependent (which I am, and will always be) and a workaholic is better than recovery, what I have now. Do you mean that? If you do, I would make a list of how life is, coming from a codependent/workaholic standpoint, and one coming from the place you are now. Be honest and really compare the two. Remember, there is no-one to prove it to. No-one else knows what your life is really like.
What I discovered about recovery is that no-one is going to do this for me, because they can't. It's a huge turning point in recovery, one that I don't know at what point it happened for me. But now I really understand that I need to be kind to myself, and try hard to get out of my own difficulties. And a big part of that is reaching out for help. There is great help available, in the form of counsellors and therapists, and 12 step meetings.
In fact, recovery in 12 steps is very much about getting support from others. It's isolation that is so damaging, and as LA's and Codeps, we tend to isolate as a default.
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Post by leahb on Jan 28, 2016 11:49:20 GMT -8
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jan 28, 2016 13:05:54 GMT -8
They are not quick fixes.
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 28, 2016 13:12:45 GMT -8
No, they are not quick fixes. For me, it has been five years of talk therapy and three years of intense psychodynamic therapy with a psychiatrist.
But -- it has been the BEST thing I have ever done for my heart, mind and soul. And for me, it beats a lifetime of addiction, particularly Love Addiction, which for me, tore me apart inside.
Please don't give up -- it is a process, it is a journey, and it is worth the time and effort.
Blessings,
HaveFaith
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jan 28, 2016 13:45:18 GMT -8
So good to read your experience havefaith. For me it's been 5 years of weekly CoDA meetings, 2.5 years of SLAA meetings, finding a sponsor, being in service, 2 years of gradually decreasing counselling, 2.5 years of occasional psychotherapy. Plus hundreds of hours of Byron Katie work, and a little bit of exercise and meditation. Which are the hardest for me to maintain. It's work, it's often enjoyable and inspirational, and sometimes it's just a matter of hanging in there still.
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 28, 2016 15:33:37 GMT -8
"Love addiction. Blind!"
Yes, j-girl. Blind and full of lies. Telling us it is better to be addicted than to seek healing -- that healing is painful and too much work. Yes, it is painful. Yes, it is work. But it fights a disease that is much, much worse and leads nowhere but to ONGOING pain -- addiction.
Addiction lied to me -- I came THISCLOSE to leaving my long-term partner (spouse) for a POA who was (is) a fellow addict, in mountains of debt from gambling (about $60,000 but could be more by now), who only could get aroused if his acting-out partners role-played adolescent or prepubescent girls, and is emotionally stunted. But, oh, he was 'exciting' and charming and knew exactly how to trigger every addictive bone in my body. Addiction lied to me, and told me that POA was much more alluring than my current partner, who, by the way, is handsome, physically fit, loving, emotionally available, financially well off, great dad to our kids, and truly beloved by family and friends. He is generous and thoughtful. He sends me to Europe regularly to visit my family. He surprises me with mini-vacations to spas and wine tours. This is a man who would walk through fire for me, and has my best interests at heart.
And yet. And yet. I almost left him in the height of my addiction to this POA who asked me to role-play my daughter, because he was having sexual fantasies about being with her (I foolishly showed him a pic of her once, when he asked about my kids. Nothing unusual, just a casual pic of her smiling. I know now it was because he wanted to fantasize...) By the grace of God, truly, I dodged a bullet that would have been my undoing. Addiction almost sold me out to the bottom of the barrel.
I don't care how long I need to be in recovery -- I will do what it takes to fight the force of Love Addiction, because I would have everything to lose, and absolutely nothing to gain (but misery, depression, and despair)...
HaveFaith
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2016 20:17:25 GMT -8
leah, I felt that emptiness when I was in my long term relationship and it was only reading your post that triggered my memory of it so for me that empty feeling will always be there single or otherwise. It's only in the rush of uncertainty and lust I lose myself in someone which sucks as you lose all brain power and become a slave to the highs and will do almost anything to tip the balance between attachment, loss and back to attachment again. It's kind of like being a teenager trying to cut the cord only to panic to keep the bond as it was with a parent for me.
I think when we find happiness that doesn't include anyone else hopefully it will click into place that we are so much more than the need of addiction because what we seek at the moment is not stability but a roller coaster of intense painful emotions that keep us off balance.
X
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 29, 2016 4:25:37 GMT -8
Thank you so much all for coming to the support of leahb and for all your great insights. I, myself, benefitted from reading them.
I can relate. I think the reality is our battle might last a lifetime. But it is to be taken one day at a time only. That's all we can do. In fact, just few days ago, I had my lowest point in my life. I thought I had every reason I could think of to end my life. I had the worst feelings. But I just turned to my HP and I asked my group for support, etc. And today, I read this passage below that has awakened and comforted me :
"Creation does not have the ability to satisfy your heart. Earth simply will never be your savior. When you ask the created thing to do what it was not designed to do, you get short-term fulfillment, so you have to go back again and again. Because you have to go back again and again, rather than leaving you full and satisfied, the created world leaves you fat, addicted, and in debt. The glories of the created world are meant to be glorious, but they are not meant to be the thing that you look to for life. No, all the glories of the created world together are meant to be one big finger that points you to the God of glory, who made each one of them and is alone able to give you life. Worshiping the creation is never a pathway to life; it leads you in the opposite direction. Today you will give your life to something. Will it be the Creator, whose grace alone can satisfy and transform your heart, or the creation, which was designed to do neither?"
- From the book "New Morning Mercies" (January 29)
By Paul David Tripp
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 29, 2016 5:52:23 GMT -8
Codep thanks for sharing this. It rings profoundly true to me. For me -- nature, people, career, can be wonderful (or challenging) but you are right. They cannot 'save' me or satisfy my soul. Nature, people, careers all can be very fickle and change at the drop of the proverbial hat.
I do believe St. Augustine (a felliow love/lust addict) said it best-- 'Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee" (Confessions, 400 AD). His HP (Holy Trinity) kept him grounded and at peace. Everything else was ephemeral...
HaveFaith
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 29, 2016 22:11:28 GMT -8
Thanks Havefaith. I only truly learned this very recently. I have always, always looked for a "substitute". I sought men and had many sexual encounters. It did not satisfy my soul but made me thirstier and emptier. I have turned to women as well. The result is similar -- the feelings, attractions did not last too. It just left me wanting and wondering. Then few days ago, I was totally disappointed with work matters. (I would kill myself for my work.) So passion for work can be both good and bad too. Only my Creator, I found out, is sure, true, safe, and has everlasting values (as that passage yesterday has noted). I am surrendering all to my HP now. My intense suffering is nothing compared to what I have in him (all glorious!) and it will last forever and ever. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 31, 2016 13:34:30 GMT -8
leah, I felt that emptiness when I was in my long term relationship
X Love addicts are attracted to limerence [passion, lust, eroticism, preference, drama, excitement, chemistry, etc.] and then become addicted to it. So what you describe as emptiness may really be the absence of limerence which is a good thing. It is like missing sugar after being diagnosed with diabetes and having to give it up. The "sugarless" marriage can be fulfilling in other ways. It can even be romantic . . . Grow old along with me. The best is yet to be. The last of life, For which the first was made.  Fill what you have been calling "emptiness" with God, self-esteem and romantic projections on your healthy partner. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 31, 2016 15:42:17 GMT -8
I do believe St. Augustine (a fellow love/lust addict) said it best-- 'Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee" (Confessions, 400 AD). His HP (Holy Trinity) kept him grounded and at peace. Everything else was ephemeral... HaveFaith
I write stories for my Christian friends about not confusing Christian tenants with codependency. If you are interested her is the link.www.brightertomorrow.net/spiritualarticles.htm |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 31, 2016 15:48:49 GMT -8
"Love addiction. Blind!" Yes, j-girl. Blind and full of lies. |
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Post by StellaBlue on Feb 16, 2016 21:07:27 GMT -8
Dear leahb,
My friends keep reminding me, "In the meantime it's a mean time."
I am also a student of Byron Katie, and have gotten relief and insight by doing The Work.
But it wasn't until recently when I heard Noah Elkrief say the following that I got (what hopefully might be a paradigm shift) a feeling of disconnectedness from my painful thoughts.
He sort of put it this way (but I am in no way quoting him):
*A thought pops up - pretend it is "I should have a partner" or "I want a partner to travel with who loves me."
*In the time between that thought coming and me believing it, if I can slow it WAY WAY WAY down and notice what happens
*It is like the universe is gently handing me a knife
*I take the knife by the handle
*If I believe the thought it is as if I am cutting myself (when I believe it)
*Or I can just hold the knife in my hand (watch the negative thought be in my mind).
*I can hold it there, as a sharp object, something that I will hurt myself with if I choose to stab at me with it (by believing that thought).
*Eventually another thought will probably come. Or I notice all the "space" around holding the knife-thought - AND not cutting myself with it (believing it) that I "get into the zen-zone-god-space" of that space that is the "not believing it" space.
Somehow this has really helped me last day or two. The painful thoughts are there and being handed to me all the time, blade side out, but I don't have to cut me with them. I can just hold it, or set it down.
With love and hugs,
StellaBlue
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