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Post by denverdignity on Feb 2, 2016 11:04:19 GMT -8
I am having a hard time figuring out the difference between my love addictive avoidant behavior with a healthy partner and disinterest. I was wondering if anyone had insights or thoughts.
For example if I meet a great guy, very responsible, attracted physically, but because of certain things I do not feel the "instant chemistry" and excitement of new interest like with past partners. Could it be because he truly is not a fit or is it my love addiction? How do I decifer? |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 2, 2016 11:23:04 GMT -8
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Post by denverdignity on Feb 2, 2016 11:31:50 GMT -8
Very wise Susan always appreciate your morsels of golden advice!! Thank you! I read Judith Sills book and loved it will read the other haven't read that one yet..
I will pay attention as I move forward. I like the point you bring about the package (bells and whistles as I think of it). I find this guy attractive but he dresses differently than my style and sometimes wears a cowboy hat, does two step, I've never been with anyone like that not usually my style.
He is funny and kind and is a widow (has been through a lot) and also raising three kids on his own..all very different than I am used to. We shall see like you said it is whats inside of the package that counts and things can come in a different package than you expected ..
I don't mind being alone either so I'm at a good point because I am not just trying to get into a relationship for the sake of it, this was kind of unexpected meeting him. |
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Post by havefaith on Feb 2, 2016 13:50:29 GMT -8
For me, I was so damaged emotionally (covert incest) that all I could relate to was Mr. Bad Boy Emotionally Unavailable. Anybody remotely healthy did not appeal to me. But there was a sliver of 'healthy' still in me (thank you, HP) wherein I could discern (decifer, as you say) what was a good 'fit' for me vs. the Love Addiction talking.
Case in point --
I almost left my spouse for a POA with whom there was an over-the-top instant chemistry. All I can say is -- thank HP (Holy Trinity) for stepping in and guiding me to a psychiatrist (after fervent prayer) who led me through intense psychodynamic therapy. POA was a substitue for my mother and the boy she allowed to rape me over and over. I instantly connected to POA on an unconscious level.
Spouse -- loving, emotionally available, financially very well off, handsome and physically fit, wonderful father to our (now young adullt) children, and has my best interests at heart, always. Women ask me how I got so 'lucky' with a guy like that. He is truly a good man.
POA -- Physically unfit , depressed, porn and sex addict (says he is in recovery), borderline pedophile (loves young girls, but has not given in to the inclination, but does ask his acting-out partners to role play virgin teens), is in $60,000 or more gambling debts, on verge of bankruptcy, and is unable to sustain a relationship with a healthy woman (he preys on vulnerable women in AA meetings, and he found me in SLAA).
Love Addiction almost drove me to leave my spouse for the POA with whom I felt 'chemistry' -- which, by the way, always dissapates after awhile. And then what would I have when the chemistry wears off? A POA who gets bored easily and asks for a threesome with my best friend (he asked) or asks me to role-play my own daughter (he asked) or asks me to do fetish acts to keep him sexually amused and aroused (he asked). Wow. Chemistry. How's that workin' for me?
HaveFaith
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 3, 2016 12:06:03 GMT -8
Very wise Susan always appreciate your morsels of golden advice!! Thank you! I read Judith Sills book and loved it will read the other haven't read that one yet..I will pay attention as I move forward. I like the point you bring about the package (bells and whistles as I think of it). I find this guy attractive but he dresses differently than my style and sometimes wears a cowboy hat, does two step, I've never been with anyone like that not usually my style.
He is funny and kind and is a widow (has been through a lot) and also raising three kids on his own..all very different than I am used to. We shall see like you said it is whats inside of the package that counts and things can come in a different package than you expected .. I don't mind being alone either so I'm at a good point because I am not just trying to get into a relationship for the sake of it, this was kind of unexpected meeting him.
loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/thread/5120/ingredients-healthy-relationship |
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Post by paisley on Feb 4, 2016 10:51:06 GMT -8
In the past I felt I was avoiding something by not being attracted to "good guys". Now I respect my feelings more. If I don't feel it, I don't feel it. Just because someone is good and decent doesn't mean I should be in an intimate relationship with him.
That being said, lately I've been trying to change how I view men. If my primary goal is no longer sex/love, then I can bring "good" men into my life without looking at them as potential boyfriends.
If dating is the getting to know you phase, I can spend time with guys and get to know them, trusting my gut and my ability to set boundaries in the event he wants to take it to a level to which I'm not comfortable.
Sometimes your feelings change after getting to know someone better, and that can be in a positive or negative direction.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 5, 2016 13:09:43 GMT -8
Sometimes your feelings change after getting to know someone better, and that can be in a positive or negative direction. This is all we ask. That you understand that sometimes love comes later and not instantaneously. I fell in love with the love of my life about three months in to our relationship. We were going for a drive and laughing. I realized how happy I was in the company of this person. This was even more joyous than love because love always made me anxious which spoiled it. Limmerence triggers me and I go nuts. I think I am allergic to it. Compatibility suits me better. |
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Post by havefaith on Feb 5, 2016 18:33:38 GMT -8
"Limerence triggers me and I go nuts" -- Yes, Susan. Me too.
Look at my above post -- still working on healthy love vs limerence.
God grant me wisdom...
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Post by denverdignity on Mar 16, 2016 7:24:19 GMT -8
POSSIBLE TRIGGER:
I am feeling stuck on this again. Still seeing same person but bc of his work schedule (nights) and having kids with no spouse we have seen each other maybe only 5 times in person but talk on phone every night and he texts me when ghe gets home from work in the am. I feel bored. I do not get overly excited to see him but he is funny and cute and a good person. I cant help but feel there is something wrong with me ..I don't want to hurt him.
He also has a lot of drama surrounding his life. Not his but people around him. For instance his first wife whom he had the kids with he married at 22 and at 32 she was diagnosed full blown manic depressive and alcoholic to boot and was not taking meds. I wont even begin tomention the things he has told me on the wayside that she did, wow is all I can say. I questioned him a lot on that why did he stay so long etc etc..
She is not in her kids life at all now and he believes she lives on the edge (no real jobs) etc.
His second wife was murdered by her step uncle in North Dakota not sure what happened there, there was some native American in her and I know up there on some reservations there are issues with abuse but this is terrible. She was there for a family reunion and the guy Im now dating wastrying to get her to come to Colorado but she had this one last family event to attend.
Last week he tells me he had just found out the disturbing information from his oldest son that his daughter who was 14 at the time (a month ago is when she got preg now she is 15) is pregnant from a 36 yr old man!! There are police involved in fact today they are entrapping him to come to his house (S the guy I am dating is livid the police are having this bust take place at his new home). This man lured the daughter on the internet and then smoked marij. with her and slept with her on multiple occasions. She says she felt forced with the sx part. She is being a bit difficult however and seem a bit rebellious. She has PTSD from the murder. This is all insane stuff to me as I have no kids never been married even and never have drama.
I spoke to him on the phone about it last night because I have been feeling guilty about my feelings of wanting to just bail. He said I am a victim in this in that I have to deal with hearing about it and now putting off meeting his daughter for a while.
He is coming over tomorrow night and I also thank god have therapy for the first time in a few weeks (my therapist was on vacation then I had to move and rescheduled) so it has been a while.
He will def be looking forward to having sx (we have only had it once last time he came over we did not bec I had just gotten bikini wax and it hurt) so we snuggled and that's it. I think its his situation that makes me less"in the mood" for him. I realize I am terrible with boundaries even with a nice person ..probably from my sx abuse from my pediatrician when I was younger..I would just rather go along sometimes than make a stink or hurt someones feelings etc
I am really feeling torn. I told him on the phone I want to not just bail on him and he says he would not blame me if I did, and I said we would be moving at a very very slow pace bc I do not want to get involved in this but I do like him.
I also think the fact I allowed a guy from my past back in for a "hook up" (since S and I have not had the "exclusive" talk yet although I know he is not seeing others). This other guy has no drama, is a pilot for cargo flies around the world may be moving to Germany for a while lives in Hawaii for a while owns a place here in Denver, did ironman, makes me laugh and is very charismatic to me. I am not huge into astrology but enough to know we are compatible according to that aquarious is him I am Gemini so intellectually its just there, I find conversations with him stimulating and the attraction physically is best ever had..don't they say love addicts use psychics and astrology, hello!
Anyway he doesn't want anything serious with me..not that Ive asked but his actions are enough. Its depressing. Seems to be the story of my life that I cant get who I want and get who I don't want...is this love addiction or what?? I need to keep working. |
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Post by denverdignity on Mar 18, 2016 13:33:16 GMT -8
I just got triggered from my friend. She was telling me she thought (via email) this new guy I started dating is probably not the right match and whatever I want to do is fine but I may just be prolonging the inevitable by letting it go on.
I left a message for him to cancel for tonight because I have a welcoming committee coming to my house since I just bought it. He was going to come over last night but we had to cancel and so he was maybe going to come over tonight. We are both trying to save money having both just bought homes so we were either going to hang out at my place and talk and relax or go out for a drink. He has such limited time due to his schedule and kids drama.
I feel like it will not work. I don't feel strong attraction physically even though he is cute, I think it is all of the family drama that has burdened our getting to know you conversations already in that we always are stuck on this big event that happened and it weighs me down for such early courtship (his kids teenagers and that's all we end up talking about).
After leaving him a message I felt panicky...of being alone, of no hope, the love addict came out after that trigger..the awful fear that somehow being alone is wrong or looked down upon or takes too much strength for me to muster like I have to hide my fears and be brave and show strength more being single.
Yet I have for the most part always been alone except for non relationships and relationships where I was in more of a friendship and was not in love with the person but they were to me. Why do I feel this huge fear in my heart right now?
I started to write back to my friend all of these deep fears and things I did not really want to express, because she met someone and now they live together and I feel like I have lost my last best friend who was single still and could relate. She is now a we and sometimes I resent that. I feel envious at times and others I am glad I am me..she envies I could afford a a house bc her bf did not take care of his finances well and it is keeping them from getting a home bc they do not have much of a down payment. It goes both ways but my anxiety is taking the reigns and making me write thing I regret about how she has become a we.
I am so happy to have this place. Maybe I need to calm down and just enjoy being alone in it for a while. I just hate the stigma of being single going out and looking around and feeling that hovering shadow that there is no one cute there and that matters, that you don't meet anyone, that no one is interested in you, that you are missing something. Why do I feel that way sometimes.
I want to feel ok on my own, happy , content, but society dictates otherwise sometimes and my brain goes right to that and condemns me..it is my own mind making me feel badly nothing else, help! |
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Post by paisley on Mar 19, 2016 3:38:27 GMT -8
i don't think there is a stigma of being single, but rather humans are social animals. It is not a bad idea to seek out companionship and be around other people. Maybe try not to sexualize your closest friendships for a while. Take some classes, join a team or do something to boost your social network since your best girlfriend is otherwise involved these days.
I agree that it's your own mind causing you this grief. It sounds like a lot of your fear may be coming from a place of thinking you're NEVER going to be in a relationship again and you've blown your last chance. So what if it is? Own it. Then start focusing on non-romantic relationships and build up a network of supportive, platonic friends and acquaintances. Then when someone drops off and you lose touch, you are on better footing.
Personally, I'm friends with several single women and guys who pop in and out of my life due to various factors. I'm also friends with some couples, who I find to be more stable and solid in that regard. It's nice to have their support and feedback as I am dating.
It has taken me six years to get to this point, but I can truly say I love being single right now. I hope you can experience this contentment too. I say focus on NOT making finding love a mission, but rather some other passion or goal with more substance.
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