Post by paisley on Feb 14, 2016 19:55:22 GMT -8
About two years ago, I had a crush on a guy and he expressed the desire to get to know me better and we were about to take our friendship to the next level. He abruptly ended things with me after a night out with some friends and right before what was supposed to be our first date. At the end of that evening out with friends when saying our farewells, another guy turned a hug into a bit of a groping. Let's just say he helped himself to a feel of my back side. I was so shocked and didn't know how to respond. At first I wanted to smack him, but it ended up with me putting my hand on his face and kind of working my way away from him. So awkward! The guy friend who I wanted to start dating saw the whole thing and was very put off by it. He questioned whether I had something going on with this handsy guy because I didn't make it clear immediately that a line had been crossed and that it was unacceptable to me.
In in my defense, I later contacted mr hands and told him this was not ok, and I stopped being around him. I also explained to the guy I wanted to date that I was taken off guard and didn't know how to act and was disappointed in my handling of the situation. I'm not 100% sure if this is why I was rejected but I believe it at least played a part and regardless, I was not happy with my initial reaction and that's what's important.
The fact is, I was more concerned about mr hands' feelings than my own. I didn't want to embarrass him and I didn't want to put a damper on what had been a fun night out. The cost was my self respect and the respect from a friend. It probably cost me this budding relationship...but of course there were most likely other factors at play about which i'll never know. I'm cool with not getting to date the guy but want to do better on my end when it comes to setting boundaries.
I made a recovery goal to stop engaging in this sort of codependent thinking and stand up for myself even if it's going to make others embarrassed or uncomfortable. I like going out and meeting new people and I'm going to run into men who force me to draw a line on occasion. Generally, I run with a respectable crowd of good people, but we're experiencing life and exploring the planet and meeting new people all the time so I have to do better.
Well here it is two years later I get tested again. Out with a group of friends...two of the guys have dating potential. A friend brought along a new guy the rest of us didn't know. He was a little flirty with me all night. It was all in fun and we were all having some laughs. The new guy ended up challenging me to an arcade game and after we started he said "winner gets a kiss". I began feeling uneasy but gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed he was being flirty and funny. It ended, he won and wanted to collect on his bet. I backed away and jokingly told one of the other guys to kiss him. We all laughed and then the new guy came at me, pointing at his cheek saying it was not cool for me to refuse so I put my hand out and calmly said "you're invading my space and need to back off". I literally gave him the cold shoulder, turned my back to him and started talking to a girlfriend. He was super embarrassed and so angry he stormed off.
The happy tone of the evening was gone. A couple of my guy friends walked up and we told them what happened. One guy immediately told the friend who brought the new guy to go find him and take him home. I was a little shaken up because it reminded me of that incident two years ago. I said "am I an easy target?" And this guy who saw the whole thing (who also wants to go out with me) said "apparently not!" I realized he was right! My friends all said I handled it beautifully and one said he thought about intervening, but saw that I had it under control. From their perspective it happened very fast and this time the bystanders were the ones caught off guard and I was the gal who drew a clear line and stood her ground. My boundaries were more important than this guy's feelings or "keeping the peace".
We we said our farewells soon after one of the guys who watched it walked me to my car, gave me a small gift as a thanks for including him in some things lately and said he looks forward to our plans (basically a platonic double date) tomorrow.
And coincidentally, my friend upon whom I've had a crush for a few months has announced to our other friends that he has feelings for me and wants to ask me out but fears my rejection. Our mutual friend (his best friend) called him up and told him to stop being an idiot and make some sort of move or he's going to miss the boat. Rumor has it I'll be getting a phone call soon (My breath will not be held in the mean time). Apparently, women with clear boundaries are attractive.
i just thought it was a good illustration of two similar situations that turned out so differently. The only difference was me standing up for myself.
In in my defense, I later contacted mr hands and told him this was not ok, and I stopped being around him. I also explained to the guy I wanted to date that I was taken off guard and didn't know how to act and was disappointed in my handling of the situation. I'm not 100% sure if this is why I was rejected but I believe it at least played a part and regardless, I was not happy with my initial reaction and that's what's important.
The fact is, I was more concerned about mr hands' feelings than my own. I didn't want to embarrass him and I didn't want to put a damper on what had been a fun night out. The cost was my self respect and the respect from a friend. It probably cost me this budding relationship...but of course there were most likely other factors at play about which i'll never know. I'm cool with not getting to date the guy but want to do better on my end when it comes to setting boundaries.
I made a recovery goal to stop engaging in this sort of codependent thinking and stand up for myself even if it's going to make others embarrassed or uncomfortable. I like going out and meeting new people and I'm going to run into men who force me to draw a line on occasion. Generally, I run with a respectable crowd of good people, but we're experiencing life and exploring the planet and meeting new people all the time so I have to do better.
Well here it is two years later I get tested again. Out with a group of friends...two of the guys have dating potential. A friend brought along a new guy the rest of us didn't know. He was a little flirty with me all night. It was all in fun and we were all having some laughs. The new guy ended up challenging me to an arcade game and after we started he said "winner gets a kiss". I began feeling uneasy but gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed he was being flirty and funny. It ended, he won and wanted to collect on his bet. I backed away and jokingly told one of the other guys to kiss him. We all laughed and then the new guy came at me, pointing at his cheek saying it was not cool for me to refuse so I put my hand out and calmly said "you're invading my space and need to back off". I literally gave him the cold shoulder, turned my back to him and started talking to a girlfriend. He was super embarrassed and so angry he stormed off.
The happy tone of the evening was gone. A couple of my guy friends walked up and we told them what happened. One guy immediately told the friend who brought the new guy to go find him and take him home. I was a little shaken up because it reminded me of that incident two years ago. I said "am I an easy target?" And this guy who saw the whole thing (who also wants to go out with me) said "apparently not!" I realized he was right! My friends all said I handled it beautifully and one said he thought about intervening, but saw that I had it under control. From their perspective it happened very fast and this time the bystanders were the ones caught off guard and I was the gal who drew a clear line and stood her ground. My boundaries were more important than this guy's feelings or "keeping the peace".
We we said our farewells soon after one of the guys who watched it walked me to my car, gave me a small gift as a thanks for including him in some things lately and said he looks forward to our plans (basically a platonic double date) tomorrow.
And coincidentally, my friend upon whom I've had a crush for a few months has announced to our other friends that he has feelings for me and wants to ask me out but fears my rejection. Our mutual friend (his best friend) called him up and told him to stop being an idiot and make some sort of move or he's going to miss the boat. Rumor has it I'll be getting a phone call soon (My breath will not be held in the mean time). Apparently, women with clear boundaries are attractive.
i just thought it was a good illustration of two similar situations that turned out so differently. The only difference was me standing up for myself.