Post by lilila on Apr 11, 2016 20:44:38 GMT -8
Things have changed radically since my last post here, when I told about my abusive alcoholic bf. We did eventually get together again - he apologized profusely - and things were good for a couple of months but then it was like I developed deep feelings of rejection towards him. It started with accepting that he really was an alcoholic and seeing his profound level of denial. Then, some things happened that just were the last straw for me, like him getting completely drunk when we were visiting friends of mine, peeing on the floor of his home, asking me for money, getting furious when I suggested he had a drinking problem.
All these things happened in a short period of time and they completely stressed me out. It was so bad I wasn´t able to bring myself to see him, so for some weeks I made up all sorts of excuses not to see him. I had a lot of pent-up anger so it was easy to do this. Finally he broke up with me over the phone, and it was a bit of a relief.
But now that some weeks have passed, I notice my LA mind is overworking again. I´m wondering Will he come back to me? Should I have said/done something differently, so we would still be together? Was I exaggerating, should I just have kept quiet about the things that bothered me?
When I remember what this relationship was really like for me I know that there´s no sense in us being together again, but it takes a real effort for me to make that really sink in. It bothers me that he hasn´t called or contacted me since we broke up. I just recenty blocked him on facebook because just seeing his profile picture triggered me. Btw shortly after breaking up with me he changed his picture to one from 20 years ago, which is odd but made me think he knows he is deteriorated from drinking. So then I felt sorry for him. So I´m probably projecting all sorts of feelings onto him, who knows what he´s really thinking.
Anyway, this breakup is proving very hard for me. I know in my mind it is the right thing, and that this relationship would never make me happy, but my emotions are telling me the complete opposite and I´m questioning myself all the time. Ít feels extremely unnatural to have put myself and my feelings first, to have allowed myself to notice I was unhappy with him.
On the other hand, I have thoughts of failure, like this relationship didn´t work out because I wasn´t smart/strong/kind enough to deal with him. Some months into the relationship I noticed his parents and brothers were a bit surprised that we had lasted so long, and his sister and sister in law even asked me how I put up with his temper. This made me feel like I was special, like I was the only one who could bring the best out of him. I think those comments made it into a challenge for me, like I was to be different from his other failed relationships.
So I guess that´s co-dependent thinking?
It is very frustrating, the way I´m seeing things now.
At times I really do miss him and would like nothing better than to get back together. Then, when I imagine what it would be like, I become really nervous with the mere idea.
I never thought I would find myself so involved with someone who treated me badly.
Anyway, any comments or advice would be appreciated, I´m in need of some pep-talk I think.
All these things happened in a short period of time and they completely stressed me out. It was so bad I wasn´t able to bring myself to see him, so for some weeks I made up all sorts of excuses not to see him. I had a lot of pent-up anger so it was easy to do this. Finally he broke up with me over the phone, and it was a bit of a relief.
But now that some weeks have passed, I notice my LA mind is overworking again. I´m wondering Will he come back to me? Should I have said/done something differently, so we would still be together? Was I exaggerating, should I just have kept quiet about the things that bothered me?
When I remember what this relationship was really like for me I know that there´s no sense in us being together again, but it takes a real effort for me to make that really sink in. It bothers me that he hasn´t called or contacted me since we broke up. I just recenty blocked him on facebook because just seeing his profile picture triggered me. Btw shortly after breaking up with me he changed his picture to one from 20 years ago, which is odd but made me think he knows he is deteriorated from drinking. So then I felt sorry for him. So I´m probably projecting all sorts of feelings onto him, who knows what he´s really thinking.
Anyway, this breakup is proving very hard for me. I know in my mind it is the right thing, and that this relationship would never make me happy, but my emotions are telling me the complete opposite and I´m questioning myself all the time. Ít feels extremely unnatural to have put myself and my feelings first, to have allowed myself to notice I was unhappy with him.
On the other hand, I have thoughts of failure, like this relationship didn´t work out because I wasn´t smart/strong/kind enough to deal with him. Some months into the relationship I noticed his parents and brothers were a bit surprised that we had lasted so long, and his sister and sister in law even asked me how I put up with his temper. This made me feel like I was special, like I was the only one who could bring the best out of him. I think those comments made it into a challenge for me, like I was to be different from his other failed relationships.
So I guess that´s co-dependent thinking?
It is very frustrating, the way I´m seeing things now.
At times I really do miss him and would like nothing better than to get back together. Then, when I imagine what it would be like, I become really nervous with the mere idea.
I never thought I would find myself so involved with someone who treated me badly.
Anyway, any comments or advice would be appreciated, I´m in need of some pep-talk I think.
