Post by purplegrunge on Jul 13, 2016 19:32:00 GMT -8
I posted this elsewhere but this thread seems appropriate.
Well, I was never molested or raped. I was subjected to mental abuse. If that's a thing? My father and mother do not get along. They do not stay together but they are not divorced. Whenever they meet, they fight and I think they are just together because of society and because of me. I live in India and divorce is a big thing here. My father is emotionally unavailable. Maybe because he lost his fatherwhen he was 14 and he had to take care of himself. My mother acts like my little sister and just keeps on bickering about the things that are not going right in her life. She us never happy. Few years back she even had an affair. She thinks nobody knows it. But I know. I was in class 6th back then. I am 22 years old now. Last year my grand dad died, out of the blue. He was the only person I looked up to. I feel so alone. Recently my mom told me that she got pregnant 3 more times after me but she aborted them because she hated her marriage. She could have kept one of them. I wouldn't have been so alone. I am an only child, you see. And I feel like crying all the time. This is why I clinged to my POA so much. I thought he could save me you know. But it doesn't work that way! This is why have decided to take hold of my life and get over all this. I just don't know how to do it...
Every person who meets me thinks I am such a happy person and I doing awesome in my life but actually I am dying inside. Whenever I am alone I cry. I cry at night. I cry in washrooms. I left my POA finally after coming across this forum but I feel like dying. I know I can't die. Obviously. But I stare out of the window and feel like jumping out of it but I won't do it. Because no matter how much f**ked up my family is, they love me. And they have stayed together for me so I have to do the same. I have a whole life ahead of me. I know. I have lots of friends who love me and care for me. I know what the right thing is. But still, these thoughts don't leave me...
My mom even told me that she would have aborted me too.... I wouldn't be here, you know...
Writing this I do remember two cases of molestation. When which my uncle did. I was sleeping and he took his hand inside my shirt and stroked my chest two three times. It felt very weird. I don't know if he knew that I had 'transformed' into a girl by then. He never did it again and I kept my distance as well. He was my favourite uncle. Second incident was when I was going to school on my bicycle and this man (on cycle) came to me and started asking some directions and when I was telling him he out of the blue grabbed my right boob and asked what is this. I was in shock! I pushed him and he fell off the cycle and I just cycled away from there very fast!!! Worst day it was! I was in shock for a very long time! I had forgotten all this..... it was buried somewhere...
Well, I was never molested or raped. I was subjected to mental abuse. If that's a thing? My father and mother do not get along. They do not stay together but they are not divorced. Whenever they meet, they fight and I think they are just together because of society and because of me. I live in India and divorce is a big thing here. My father is emotionally unavailable. Maybe because he lost his fatherwhen he was 14 and he had to take care of himself. My mother acts like my little sister and just keeps on bickering about the things that are not going right in her life. She us never happy. Few years back she even had an affair. She thinks nobody knows it. But I know. I was in class 6th back then. I am 22 years old now. Last year my grand dad died, out of the blue. He was the only person I looked up to. I feel so alone. Recently my mom told me that she got pregnant 3 more times after me but she aborted them because she hated her marriage. She could have kept one of them. I wouldn't have been so alone. I am an only child, you see. And I feel like crying all the time. This is why I clinged to my POA so much. I thought he could save me you know. But it doesn't work that way! This is why have decided to take hold of my life and get over all this. I just don't know how to do it...
Every person who meets me thinks I am such a happy person and I doing awesome in my life but actually I am dying inside. Whenever I am alone I cry. I cry at night. I cry in washrooms. I left my POA finally after coming across this forum but I feel like dying. I know I can't die. Obviously. But I stare out of the window and feel like jumping out of it but I won't do it. Because no matter how much f**ked up my family is, they love me. And they have stayed together for me so I have to do the same. I have a whole life ahead of me. I know. I have lots of friends who love me and care for me. I know what the right thing is. But still, these thoughts don't leave me...
My mom even told me that she would have aborted me too.... I wouldn't be here, you know...
Writing this I do remember two cases of molestation. When which my uncle did. I was sleeping and he took his hand inside my shirt and stroked my chest two three times. It felt very weird. I don't know if he knew that I had 'transformed' into a girl by then. He never did it again and I kept my distance as well. He was my favourite uncle. Second incident was when I was going to school on my bicycle and this man (on cycle) came to me and started asking some directions and when I was telling him he out of the blue grabbed my right boob and asked what is this. I was in shock! I pushed him and he fell off the cycle and I just cycled away from there very fast!!! Worst day it was! I was in shock for a very long time! I had forgotten all this..... it was buried somewhere...