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Post by rosebud73 on Jul 21, 2016 4:10:41 GMT -8
Hi there,
I'm at the stage of awareness....I KNOW he is one.
But, it's extremely difficult for me to let go. The stress of letting go, feeling abandoned and that *I'm* abandoning him....usually pull me back in.
Therefore....a breakup is a major trigger for me.
I have to sort of open up my hands gently and let him drift away...by not clinging so tightly or being such "great narcissistic supply." (So giving, encouraging, flirtatious)
(Of course, I'm more than that...but have been used to attracting and keeping this type for many reasons)
Sadly, this cycle for me is decades long due to an NPD father and lack of healing/awareness.
But I am stronger. More boundaries now than ever before.
I tend to idealize men and put them on a pedestul. I am doing that now, I feel it, which makes me realize, I'm not really "in love" with him, but the symbol of who he is.
I'm also learning that being with a Love Avoidant, narcissistic or not, is absolutely futile. The ONE thing I want is the ONE thing they refuse and are utterly unable to give.
Love, intimacy, closeness...
I just saw a behavior towards his ex that shows an utter lack of empathy, kindness, compassion and honor.
Maybe this is the red flag that can help me walk away.
I want to walk away. I want to disengage and allow complete healing.
I am willing to be willing. More than willing....ready, I think....
After decades of marriages and dating relationships with narcissistic men, I think the term Love Avoidant, more than anything helps me to want to protect myself.
I do feel pity for narcs....I can't help it....I have hyper empathy....to my own hurt. I DO empathize with the hurting, unloved boy in them....
But LOVE AVOIDANT is a term that helps me see....they REFUSE to love...or can't ....they AVOID it....
Talk about futile....Love addict chasing Love Avoidant...it's so cruel and this is not God's desire for my life.
I need to protect my inner child from "inevitable harm"
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Post by rosebud73 on Jul 21, 2016 4:12:51 GMT -8
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Post by samanta on Jul 30, 2016 4:28:59 GMT -8
I identify with you so much rosebud!! Love addict chasing a love avoidant. It is painful. I understand. Thanks for sharing this link.
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Post by rosebud73 on Sept 3, 2016 18:56:17 GMT -8
Hi there, I'm at the stage of awareness....I KNOW he is one. But, it's extremely difficult for me to let go. The stress of letting go, feeling abandoned and that *I'm* abandoning him....usually pull me back in. Therefore....a breakup is a major trigger for me. I have to sort of open up my hands gently and let him drift away...by not clinging so tightly or being such "great narcissistic supply." (So giving, encouraging, flirtatious) (Of course, I'm more than that...but have been used to attracting and keeping this type for many reasons) Sadly, this cycle for me is decades long due to an NPD father and lack of healing/awareness. But I am stronger. More boundaries now than ever before. I tend to idealize men and put them on a pedestul. I am doing that now, I feel it, which makes me realize, I'm not really "in love" with him, but the symbol of who he is. I'm also learning that being with a Love Avoidant, narcissistic or not, is absolutely futile. The ONE thing I want is the ONE thing they refuse and are utterly unable to give. Love, intimacy, closeness... I just saw a behavior towards his ex that shows an utter lack of empathy, kindness, compassion and honor. Maybe this is the red flag that can help me walk away. I want to walk away. I want to disengage and allow complete healing. I am willing to be willing. More than willing....ready, I think.... After decades of marriages and dating relationships with narcissistic men, I think the term Love Avoidant, more than anything helps me to want to protect myself. I do feel pity for narcs....I can't help it....I have hyper empathy....to my own hurt. I DO empathize with the hurting, unloved boy in them.... But LOVE AVOIDANT is a term that helps me see....they REFUSE to love...or can't ....they AVOID it.... Talk about futile....Love addict chasing Love Avoidant...it's so cruel and this is not God's desire for my life. I need to protect my inner child from "inevitable harm" I feel so much compassion for myself right now....which is a good thing. I'm now free of him. The mask slipped....underneath was really really ugly....lol. Lesson learned: I CAN trust red flags and intuition and need to. |
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Post by hopesprings on May 22, 2017 7:41:25 GMT -8
Rosebud and Picard, I was married to a covert narc/ASPD for 10 years. Before that, I was with an AVPD w/ narc tendencies for 14 years. That's 24 years of my life. The last one was malignant. Dozens of cycles of idealize/discard/devalue with disappearing acts and silent treatments. I ended up really, really sick and in the hospital with a life-threatening illness caused by the constant stress. He kept ghosting and disappearing on me, and he knew how to pick my abandonment wounds apart. I just filed for divorce, and I'm ready to "wake up" and deal with my FOO issues and being raised by an NPD dad and an extremely codependent and dysfunctional mom. After years of abuse, of course I would only be attracted to narcissists. The NPD/ASPD was a complete pathological liar and lied about his degrees, how many times he was married, and I later learned he may have been bisexual. I have been traumatized, and I am dealing with CPTSD and narcissistic abuse syndrome. I still fantasize about him but have maintained NC for over two months. He didn't even say bye to me or my children. He just pulled another houdini act, but enough was enough.
My heart goes out to you. Stay strong. We can heal, and we can do this!
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Post by hopesprings on May 22, 2017 7:44:19 GMT -8
Great resource: I love Safe Relationships Magazine and the online course by Saundra Brown...about healing from NPD relationships. (I'm not affiliated in any way but am in that class) I find her teaching on "hyper traits" especially helpful and will link to them below: saferelationshipsmagazine.com/genetic-and-neuro-physiological-basis-for-hyper-empathy-5
I also love the Institute! I love the PLR articles and their articles on cog diss and the difficulty of breaking the bonds to pathologicals! |
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Post by picard on May 23, 2017 1:10:17 GMT -8
Enter a group, prepare, and do it cold turkey. No gentle letting go. Just hard no contact. Block him. Stop being nice.
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Post by hopesprings on May 26, 2017 9:04:17 GMT -8
Rosebud, I so understand how you feel, and I also want to validate your feelings. I spent the last three decades of my life with Cluster Bs (two marriages), and it was so painful. The last marriage left me almost dead (literally) and I went through the worst withdrawal ever. It was so unreal, and that was almost four months ago. I am finally beginning to heal, am in therapy, a few different support groups, started my own Meetup for partners leaving pathologically-disordered men/women, and I am in LAA.
I know how addictive these relationships are. They're so charismatic, charming, and they seem to be so willing to give us what we desire most: unconditional love and finally someone to heal the wounds from our FOO, but they will not do that, and instead, they'll punch them wide open and make you do the healing because of how obvious those wounds are. You probably already know this.
However, yes, I'm afraid you will have to go no contact (starve the vampire) and cut of all communication. Protect that inner child. I finally left/was discarded after 20 cycles of being devalued/discarded/dozens of disappearing acts & silent treatments. Protect that wounded inner child! Much love to you.
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 26, 2017 17:17:14 GMT -8
This is your choice of course, but I don't recommend it. It will only prolong your agony and your withdrawal. If you are suicidal take your time. We don't want you to go into shock. But if you are only anxious and depressed go No Contact and begin your recovery as soon as possible. Whatever you do we are here for you. Nothing good comes from a codependent loving a narcissist. They rarely change because their childhood trauma has turned them into selfish, controlling people. You can't help them because they won't, or can't, admit they are not perfect.
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Post by Xena Warrior Princess on Aug 1, 2017 5:11:03 GMT -8
You Tube has helpful channels about narcissists. I heard a great question to ask a narcissist:
Have you ever thought how you need to grow or change?
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 1, 2017 12:49:06 GMT -8
You Tube has helpful channels about narcissists. I heard a great question to ask a narcissist: Have you ever thought how you need to grow or change? Before recovery all I ever thought was about myself and finding someone to make me happy. Now I have found that if I love God, let him love me, and try to help other love addicts I am happy. Since wanting to change I realized I did not know how. Then I found the steps and I changed. Once I changed all I wanted to do was write. When I wrote my first book people wrote me and said "how to I change." So I wrote the book, The Art of Changing to help them. Then I got so busy helping others that I forgot to change. When I was ready I picked up a copy of my own book and read it. Great insights.  |
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 2, 2017 15:42:11 GMT -8
The ONE thing I want is the ONE thing they refuse and are utterly unable to give. Love, intimacy, closeness... I know this is an old post, but, to those reading this is a very typical love addict issue. We want something so bad, but, it's not given to us. And so, we suffer. But, in order to become healthier, we must ask ourselves why we continue to have relationships with people who are unable to give love or who do not desire closeness or intimacy. In my own experience, I realized that I thought I wanted those things, but, truth be told, I subconsciously didn't want those things! I didn't know what to do with any of those things. They scared me. And so, I would specifically date men who couldn't give them to me. I was in pain within those kinds of loveless relationships, of course. A true martyr! But, I was SAFE from true intimacy. Truth is, when we want something bad enough, we know how to get it and we go after it. If we keep going after something else, we need to consider the possibility that we are going after that thing for a reason. Or that we are simply not ready for anything else. Sure, I want a million dollars. But I don't want it bad enough to give up the luxury of my free time or my time with kids. What are you not willing to give up for that which you "say" you want so badly? |
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Post by loveelleng on Aug 18, 2017 13:56:01 GMT -8
GREAT . eager badly doest mean really feel worth of it
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Post by Xena Warrior Princess on Aug 26, 2017 11:57:28 GMT -8
This is so true. I wasn't ready to give up my PoA. I believed I missed him and loved him so much. I thought if I would try again and be a better person, he would leave his wife and we could be together. However, I don't know if he will ever leave his wife. The thing is, he don't care for her either, if he is willing to commit adultery. Lovely June is right. Why do I pick or allow these men to pick me, the ones who cannot give me what I need. It is very true that I am impatient and scared to commit myself and truly love someone. However, even though at 61 years old I look young for my age and small in build and stature, well educated, personable and funny, I know my chances of finding am available man are slim to none at my age
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Post by havefaith on Aug 26, 2017 12:14:38 GMT -8
Generally speaking, these cheaters don't leave their wives. Many of them are just looking for a 'side dish' -- no emotional commitment, just some extramarital sex. I know, because I did get involved with a couple of these types and also went to SLAA and SAA meetings where the majority of men were married serial cheaters with no intention of leaving their wives. I created a 'fantasy bond' in my head, while they took what they could get.
I now have a strong revulsion for this type of activity, and living with truth, grace and integrity is a much more joyful way to live.
HaveFaith
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Post by Xena Warrior Princess on Aug 26, 2017 12:24:06 GMT -8
Thank you. I want to move on with my life and live happier days.
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Post by Xena Warrior Princess on Aug 26, 2017 12:25:16 GMT -8
We all deserve better.
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Post by havefaith on Aug 26, 2017 12:40:42 GMT -8
Yes, we all do! I am learning to honor myself and my values which keep me happy, healthy and safe.
Giving myself away like a piece of cheap penny candy is a thing of the past. Through therapy, prayers, this forum and other recovery "tools" I have learned to create healthy boundaries -- and with guidance from HP, I am the gatekeeper who discerns who comes in and who stays out...
HaveFaith
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Post by Xena Warrior Princess on Aug 26, 2017 18:01:51 GMT -8
I am so blessed in my life. It is crazy that I believe I am not worth it to have a healthy male relationship.
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Post by havefaith on Aug 27, 2017 3:51:29 GMT -8
I just posted this to someone who views being single as some sort of disease. I think this may help, give single folks another perspective (and also folks who are in a 'relationship') --
I would say this to everyone -- being single is NOT a disease. Some folks choose to be single, which is an honorable and right choice for them. If one is not single by choice, there is still a world all around them to be embraced and discovered.
The Love Addict thinks (I know I did) that a 'romantic' relationship is the end-all and be-all. It is not.
We forget that we also have relationships with friends, family, neighbors, colleagues. And, for me, the best relationsip is the one with HP. "My heart is restless until it rests in thee" (St. Augustine)...
I do not define my life and my level of happiness in terms of one relationship. That is not fair to me, to all the other wonderful people in my life.
Blessings,
HaveFaith
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Post by Xena Warrior Princess on Aug 27, 2017 8:11:51 GMT -8
Thank you very much for the reminder. I have been deeply contemplating and praying about the fact that the PoA is really not the issue. So much of my time and energy has been wasted on that fact. At the present moment my two boy cats are sitting with me in the recliner as I prepare to do my coursework. I enjoy the calmness they bring.
I have always looked for someone who will make me feel good about myself and meet my needs without me truly making the effort. My last communication to the PoA was that someday our paths will cross again. All in the Spirit's timing.
I believe that. I cannot be putting my fingerprints all over God's Will and force the issue.
Tonight another good female friend and I will be taking out a mutual friend who is having a very tough time with being the executor of a will. The ex and kids of the guy who died are vultures. It feels much more rewarding to focus on somebody who really needs support than on myself and my self pity of not getting my needs met by a human being. Augustine was correct. Only my HP can.
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Post by havefaith on Aug 27, 2017 10:52:41 GMT -8
"All in the Spirit's timing" -- and Spirit's will. Yes -- that is how I strive to live, with that acceptance. It gives me the inner peace I need to live a more joyful life. And it's not to say that I lay down and do nothing waiting for HP to make things happen. It has nothing to do with being passive, and everything to do with making right and healthy choices that are in accordance to the Fruits of Spirit that I strive to live by (love, joy, peace, goodness, kindness, gentleness, patience, faithfulness, self-control).
And yes, supporting others (as you are with your friend) is a gift. Example in my life -- Saturdays used to be my 'acting out' day where I met POA. It was an unhealthy, pathological relationship steeped in addiction, obsession and lies. No Fruits of Spirit lived in that relationship. None. It took a long time to remove myself from this most self-destructive period of my life, but I did, after hitting my rock bottom moment. Now -- just yesterday, (Saturday) I met with a friend and her mother for a short but meaningful spiritual retreat and then lunch. My friend is struggling with some issues in her life, and I was able to be there for her (and she for me) -- and it was flowing with Fruits of Spirits.
I wish my former POA well, and I hope he finds his way. But there is no way that what we did was 'ordained' by Spirit, and I probably hurt him as much as he hurt me. We were both addicts, with self-wills run riot. Nothing was right and healthy in that debacle of a 'relationship' and what you say is oh SO true, "I cannot be putting my fingerprints all over God's Will and force the issue." Amen to that!
There is a better way to live, and I take it one day at a time...
HaveFaith
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 27, 2017 15:38:05 GMT -8
I am so blessed in my life. It is crazy that I believe I am not worth it to have a healthy male relationship. Of course you are worthy. As they say in A.A."God does not make junk." Believing we are worthy is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People are attracted to us because they "want what we have." This is the best way find healthy partners, friends, and people who turn to you for help. Keep going girl. We are watching you progress with great joy. |
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Post by rosebud73 on Jan 4, 2022 6:20:43 GMT -8
UPDATE;
I became pregnant by that man! I now have a beautiful amazing 4 year old son who is the biggest joy.
The PoA in this thread showed his dark side when I told him I was preggos AND then tells me he is MARRIED and has his own child.
Never saw or spoke to him ever again. He is a journalist in Europe and posts regularly. I have a peace about this situation actually now. But looking back- WOW my gut and Holy Spirit were warning me so accurately.
I think the thing for me now is- why do I/did I disbelieve TRUE warning signs and red flags? What is the belief/lie/mindset that would make me ignore "danger danger danger!."
I know that one trauma response is "fawning." (Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) It means when a dangerous person is around you- instead of running away- some of us have learned to fawn over them. And then our brains tell us that the feeling we are having is "love." No friend, it's not love! It' s FAWNING. A trauma response to keep us ALIVE in the presence of a deadly threat and/or highly dangerous malignant person.
Secondly- I have experienced many miracles and divine blessings during my pregnancy, birth and the early years in my son's life. When I first discovered I was pregnant- I was panicking! I was 42 with 4 other kids- had just started a new job AND was singing onstage at my church with the worship team. (Awkward lol) BUT God had so much help and mercy for me! I was sitting in a parking lot near my home just panicking and praying. I hear the Holy Spirit say " I'm going to take care of you and your child."
And that's what happened! I had the most healthy, energetic pregnancy ever. I went to Zumba until 2 days before delivery- had massive energy, not much weight gain and it was a marvel to me and people around me.
No doctors would take me as a patient- here in the US- because of my age- but a few weeks before delivery- one fabulous one does who gets me into a brand new hospital, in a wealthy neighborhood (Loudoun County, VA) that felt like a Bed and Breakfast.
- My child was given 2 huge baby showers- tons of furniture and clothing included.
- I was literally dancing salsa in the delivery room- with my friend's boyfriend/a dance instructor- until the hardest pains came,
- From the heavy pain time- baby came within seconds after I prayed ( God please make it quick) I didn't push- I just opened my legs and he popped out. LOL.
- He has had tons of FAVOR on his life even now. This includes finding 1) the best babysitter I could have found who would do laundry for me and cook homemade soup 2) later finding a very modestly price private pre-school etc etc etc.
Meanwhile- the PoA was not there, but my other kids Dad has stepped up and is being a father figure. He did this at a sacrifice of his own relationship. The GF wanted him to shun the child (her own issues) and my ex would not. Therefore- this child- has male attention with a man who is imperfect- but very good with young kids. The whole situation brought a lot of peace into my view and relationship with my ex-husband and stopped years of conflict. I was able to forgive my ex from my heart- and that relationship is simply peaceful now.
God is able to provide for us better than any love interest and He was there for me and my baby when a PoA was not. I am thankful to have gone through this. First of all- my son is my little hug bug- and as an older mom- I feel like a glamma with him. (Glamorous grandma- for non US based English speakers)
The encounter with the PoA led me into a season of deal healing in my heart, relationships and relationship with God that has been PRICELESS.
I am loved by God. I am not alone. And now, I also love me.
Romans 8:28
Isaiah 61: 1-4
Rosebud (April)
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