Was this abuse?

Vivi,

I've had many uncomfortable experiences throughout the years and Im just trying to sort them out. I didn't feel comfortable telling my mom about anything, cause she either blamed me or would go into panic mode. So I just swallowed the pain, the anxiety, or confusion.

At my aunts house, some kids were being babysat. Our kissing/touching games happened at nap time. We would lay down and under the sheets we kissed and touched, maybe 4-7 kids. No adults watched because we were supposed to be sleeping. Other times it was at play time though, but I guess no one watched either. Kids may have been between 4-8 years old. I don't remember more details, just that I feel odd about it. I just wondered if it was ok.

The bathtub stuff, I justkept doing I think it was the only thing that brought me happiness of some sort through childhood and later in life when I felt lonely.

There were also other incidents I experienced.

Like a pervert calling the house and pretending he was my uncle a few times to me. He asked how old I was, questions about my body and what color underwear I was wearing. I remember being confused as to why he was saying these things. As soon as I suggested that he greet my parents or hand over the phone he would hang up.

Then there was an older man from a neighborhood store would look at me with lust all the time when I was a tween. It made me uncomfortable always but I still went to get things there requested by my mom every week.

Later on as a teenager, the first boy who liked me (was in a gang, but I loved him because someone finally liked me), he was trying to touch me and I said no. He followed me into several areas of a hotel to try to touch me. It got physical were I was pushing him to get away and he still was trying to grab me everywhere for like 10 mins, until I used my nails and hurt his arm. I did not see him again but wrote/loved him for months after cause he was the only boy who had noticed me.

I was groped in a bus once coming back from the mall college. There were teenage boys the bus was full, and one reached over to grab my behind. I was embarrassed and only told him to keep his hands to himself. He then tried to get close to my chest. Didn't know what else to do.

Studying abroad at the place were I stayed the house dad of 60+ years attempted to kiss me and grope my breasts so I had to move out, so I wouldnt have to tell the house mom. I was heartbroken about leaving the lady, instead of glad to get away from this freak.

I was so depressed about so many things over the years. Wondered why me.

I do go to therapy, although I haven't mentioned some of theae these things there.