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Post by imaloveaddict on Sept 6, 2016 8:21:45 GMT -8
I started researching love addiction and posting on this forum because I'm currently in a very healthy relationship and my life is going very well. I want to keep this up and I'm looking for ways to deal with and avoid the behaviors that come with my love addiction.
In the past I've had issues with contacting previous PoAs while in a healthy relationship. Even if the relationship is healthy I seem to get bored and try to sabotage it in search of an obsessive unhealthy relationship.
It feels kind of embarrassing to say this about myself but I definitely identify with the 'bad boy' persona. I drink, smoke, play music, ride motorcycles, look scary, had a rough life, and generally hangout with a lot of unsavory people. My current SO is the opposite. She's very nice, clean, loving, and healthy. Sometimes it's hard to connect with her because our upbringings are different. But every relationship I've had with someone I can connect with has been incredibly unhealthy and obsessive. She also worries about me leaving her for someone 'crazier' from time to time.
I feel like I miss the crazy roller coaster of obsession that has come with my previous relationships and I can't feel content in a steady healthy relationship.
I also know that my SO has seen my behavior with these previous partners and sometimes doesn't understand why I don't behave that way with her.
I know this is a healthy relationship, I feel healthy, and all my friends/family feel the same way. I really want to keep it going without screwing it up and I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with these frustrations.
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retro
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Post by retro on Sept 6, 2016 9:55:16 GMT -8
WOW I just read my life story. Don't take her for granted. Don't verbally abuse her. Sacrifice. ..it takes two wants and needs. ..not just yours. Hold her hand and look her in the eye and tell her you love her. Listen to her when she has something to say, don't brush it off.....and the list goes on. But don't lose yourself while doing this. Make sense?
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retro
Full Member
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Post by retro on Sept 6, 2016 10:14:10 GMT -8
One more thing. She might get just as bored as you. While I was doing my thing, after the split, she told me she's been noticing her current partner for years. While we were together. Bored? Or just tired of my ***it. I screwed up. Just tired of your own disorder. You too need recovery. There are no good guys and bad guys just people in recovery and people in denial. I hope you are out of denial you can get her back and save her from another addditive relationship. In reocovery people switch back and forth from avoidant to addict and addicts to avoidant. Figure out what she is up to and come together for the "just right" compatible relationship. Good luck. In the url big enough for you. I did not want you to miss it. LOL |
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Post by imaloveaddict on Sept 6, 2016 11:09:19 GMT -8
Thanks retro and Susan for your responses and insight.
I'm still trying to figure out how to manage and deal with my behavior by analyzing other aspects of my addictions, but seeking help in keeping this relationship strong BEFORE those behaviors start to manifest is my main reason for being here.
I think finding more positive outlets to distract me will help. I've also had a lot of benefit from reminding myself whenever I feel negative that I am with someone who is good for me and loves me. Also trying to understand that some of the feelings I'm having are not coming from my partner or my relationship but are coming from issues I have with myself that I need to manage better.
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Post by paisley on Sept 6, 2016 14:18:00 GMT -8
Hi!
I'd say the positive outlets are key. I think both partners should maintain interests and passions outside of the relationship.
I too get very bored and require lots of change and challenges. As a mature adult, however, I'm better able to define what fun and excitement mean to me.
For example, now I plan exciting trips and adventures. Learned how to rappel off cliffs, minimalist backpacking, etc. Back when I was eaten up by love addiction, getting a call or text from a POA was exciting. Now that seems utterly silly and boring.
I also see this as a societal problem. I notice when I meet guys and tell them I'm interested in "having fun" they usually assume I'm talking about casual sex. More than once I've had to clarify that sleeping around with random people is not how I define "fun" (it's actually sad and scary). I have to spell out that "fun" to me is outdoor activity, artistic creations, exploring the world, etc. Then I realize my life is so much more exciting now than it ever was when I spent my energy looking for my next POA.
You can certainly have an exciting life while married and enjoy the foundation of monogamy, loyalty and trust. I'm friends with some married couples who do this. I think things go bad when you try to be everything to each other and become isolated from healthy friendships, opportunities, etc. I know far too many couples like that. I don't envy it at all.
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Post by imaloveaddict on Nov 25, 2016 21:21:53 GMT -8
Just posting positives to my own threads tonight.
My relationship with my current SO has been going well. I really feel like we are really coming into our own. We recognize each other's strengths and weaknesses. The past few days have been kind of hard but not as hard as they were a year ago. Spending a lot of time around my family with my SO is always a hard time. She gets very attached and mushy and honestly I'm not that type of person. But we were both able to identify our own limits and respond to each other before it became nasty like it did around this time last year when I was contacting a previous PoA.
I feel like I have found ways to identify and mange some of my feelings with the use of these of these forums and just being aware of my behavior. There is hope!
I've had NC with any previous PoAs and have been focusing that energy on developing this relationship and it's really starting to pay off.
I hate to sound like a junkie in describing the fact that I don't get the highs I used to get, but I am definitely getting exactly what I need and that's good enough for me.
The biggest positive I've taken from this is just seeing how I can use the energy I'd usually waste on a pointless obsession and redirect it to positively improve the other aspects of my life.
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Post by havefaith on Nov 26, 2016 6:06:18 GMT -8
"I hate to sound like a junkie in describing the fact that I don't get the highs I used to get, but I am definitely getting exactly what I need and that's good enough for me."
Yes. Yes. Yes. That is a great description of a recovering addict.
I am one year clean and sober from a POA who was able to make me incredibly high -- and then fell into such incredible lows that I almost didn't know how to go on with life. It was a miserable existence. I hit my rock-bottom moment and embraced it to propel me forward (finally) towards recovery.
As I move forward, I will gladly take calm over chaos...
HaveFaith
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