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Post by moonlitvein on Feb 4, 2017 11:33:21 GMT -8
I wrote about my boundaries in my journal but then realized it's more appropriate to create my thread here. So I copied my post here.
In the light of the interactions that I've been having last year with men (mostly in the professional field) I have come to understand the importance of boundaries. It is not for nothing that we talk about setting healthy boundaries here. I've been able to keep to my boundaries thankfully in one yr of recovery (with some slips, yes)!
Since I'm more involved with men through my workplace I've been trying to think about boundaries in the professional space:
1) Try and avoid physically touching or going overboard with physical display of affection or warmth. A handshake or hug, pecks on the cheek (depending on the circumstance - for instance if it's an office party) are all good. But behaving like a child by sudden physical contacts like - pulling a male colleague's hair, pinching on the arm, pulling the sleeves of a shirt, sudden slapping or hitting on the arm or back, pulling or dragging by the arm is a big NO, especially if these are patterns (in my case they have been - I have learnt to stop them now.) I know I have done this in the past in order to get attention and giving in to my inner child. It is also an attempt to get affection from a man (a futile one, most of the time).
2) I won't indulge in personal discussions about boyfriends, husbands or talk about sex or marriage. It is all very flattering when a male colleague I am attracted to or the other way round wants to discuss the above in detail. But in most part wanting to analyse details about my personal life especially in an intellectual manner or trying to show off by discussing it in a mature manner or sending long mails (I have done that one too) is really that. It's an attempt to SHOW OFF OR IMPRESS OR BOTH!
3) I will not try and think of all men I meet or all men I find pleasant in the course of my interaction during work as a potential mate or eternal partners! I think this is self explanatory. I must say I have succeeded in many cases in the course of the last year. Generally my fantasy tends to go overboard and I think of all men as "affection givers" or sexual partners. Trying hard to bring the sexual fantasy under control. There are other aspects to interaction other than the attraction. Example - the partnership at work, the camaraderie, thousand things under the sun to discuss, the execution of work together, it can go on and on!
4) I will stop talking/discussing/showing off my age. I think this arises from some kind of superiority or inferiority complex whereby I try to prove how mature or grown up I am by mentioning my age a lot of times in the work circle. It's a recent development. Can't figure this one out. It could be that I look really young and men feel I am a "girl" or really a "child" but I would like to be viewed as a "woman". This could be arising from low self esteem too. It's a way of saying 'Don't make the mistake of thinking I don't know anything! I am old enough. I know!" Of course I am old enough and of course I am a beautiful attractive woman. I don't HAVE to prove a point with my age.
That's it for now. Will figure out further as things go on.
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Post by moonlitvein on Feb 5, 2017 1:09:27 GMT -8
A few days back a so called family friend had come home. I don't really consider him to be a friend or confidante at all since he is a little overbearing with his protective nature and derives his self esteem by helping and running errands for family members. He takes it to an irritating limit. So this person has absolutely no sense of boundaries in many things and he suddenly wanted to come into my room and see what work I was doing. I work from home a lot. He wanted to "understand" what kind of work I do but I think it was his thrill & idle curiosity.
I stopped him short from entering my room and told him coldly, without shouting that I ll be with him shortly.I'm doing some important work and he got the message that I'm asking him to not enter my room and space. He was NOT allowed in.
So, moral of the story
5) Learning to say NO is an important step in setting your own boundaries. It is something that I applied in my professional field too last year, speaking up and saying NO to certain duties within the management since I don't see them as taking my future in career forward. Instead I expressed and articulated what I wished to do & what I planned to achieve from it. It yielded results. My work profile at present is much more fulfilling on a day to day basis. But what I've learnt is that you've got to understand what you don't want and say NO and what you do want and say YES. Boundaries play an important role in the matter.
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Post by moonlitvein on Mar 16, 2017 10:56:38 GMT -8
Two days back a male colleague from the past connected with me via phone. He needed advise regarding some professional matter. We discussed things and I told him that it was good that he called since I was supposed to get in touch with him within a month or so regarding another professional matter. The discussion would have remained on professional ground except that he suddenly turned it round and asked me out on a date over the phone out of the blue. I was a little taken aback and sort of fended him off by laughing and I did the usual "We'll see !" thing and "I am busy" line. He backed off but after keeping the phone I felt weird since I have known him before and he had never asked me out or anything of that sort and we had worked together for a pretty long time.
In my mind first of all I felt he was coming onto me and I was unable to say a NO straight on. He could have wanted to take me out for a dinner or so since he might have felt that since I will be able to help him in the professional matter. So this was like a payback to me from him, except the fact that I did not like the way he labelled it as a date. But most importantly I realized after thinking about it for a while that I am not okay with a married man asking me out for a date. So there ... I realized I had another boundary figured out for myself.
6) I DO NOT want to date a married man. I also want to say NO very clearly to men who think they can suddenly shift gears in the middle of a professional conversation and not keep their boundaries. It's a classic red flag IMO. Many might say that I might be orthodox in a way, but that's what my boundary is. So that's that. Shouldn't matter what others say. Will give him a piece of my mind if he brings it up again.
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Post by James C T on Mar 20, 2017 3:26:18 GMT -8
3) I will not try and think of all men I meet or all men I find pleasant in the course of my interaction during work as a potential mate or eternal partners!
I still, even now, with all I have done and worked on, still have a problem with this (except females).
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 21, 2017 11:40:09 GMT -8
3) I will not try and think of all men I meet or all men I find pleasant in the course of my interaction during work as a potential mate or eternal partners!
I still, even now, with all I have done and worked on, still have a problem with this (except females). This takes me way back. I would meet someone and the moment I was attracted to him I started projecting all my fantasies and dreams on to him. Poor guy. The major fantasy was "Is this the one." Consciously I thought "Is this the one who will help me live happily after." Subconsciously I was thinking, "Is this the one who is going to fix me and my inner child and make up for all the hurt and abandonment from the past."
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