Post by laurena on Apr 4, 2017 5:08:36 GMT -8
I just learned this morning that I am a Torchbearer. Can anyone offer advice? Or relate?
Here goes. When I was in high school I fell in love with an older man (8 years). At 1st I held all the power. He was obsessed with me. But then it shifted and I became absolutely obsessed with him and could not live without him. I lived & breathed for this person. After 4 years it ended. I was young and beautiful and could have dated many men after that. But I didn't. I had a self-esteem in the gutter and thought this man was the absolute love of my life. I was tormented for years and stayed single and living in the past.
Every so often I would drunk dial him or get in touch. I was blatantly pathetic in my wanting him back. He would meet up with me. But he did it for sex. He was over me. I did it because I was still truly in love with him. Unfortunately I took whatever sstuffs I could get. (Makes me sick thinking how weak I was.)
Fast forward years later. Met and married a beautiful, handsome, loving, adoring man. No one has ever truly loved me like that. But my love for him eventually wore off. I became bored in the marriage and didn't like how I didn't have to fight for my husband's love. It came too easily. He bored me b/c he wasn't fascinating and mysterious and thrilling like "him." He didn't have skeletons in the closet, he was an open book. There was no drama and intrigue. After much research, I see now that that the marriage would be classified as 'true love' (safe, loving, kind...) but I never felt that. I kept comparing the husband to the ex. And I just didn't have those same feelings, even though the husband was 1000 times better than "him."
Fast forward some years. We end up divorcing. Basically b/c I was still in love with the memory of my ex. After some time, I end up getting over both of them, the unhealthy ex and the wonderful husband that I should have loved. I felt liberated to be freed of not being in love with either. It was a beautiful feeling for many years.
Until a month ago, when I googled my ex. "Him." I saw his wife's Pinterest page and I was able to piece together their life. They have children, a gorgeous home, she takes great care of herself and truly adores him (there were a lot of quotes about love and standing by him and being soul mates, etc) and that set me back. I felt raw pain over this man, which I hadn't felt in years. After a week it slowly subsided. I am 'normal' again.
I think this is what makes my case different:
-I am haunted by the memory of a man I dated 17 years ago.
-I am not obsessed with him anymore (I google lots of people from my past every now and again out of curiosity.)
-I can admit he does not love me, does not want me and probably does not think of me at all
-we will never, ever be together and that is fine.
-if a gun were held to my head I would not kiss him, let alone engage in any sexual activity with him
-I don't take drugs or drink
-I am very attractive, I take good care of myself and get lots of attention from men. Which I turn down.
-For years I tried to be pretty to impress him if he ever saw me. Now I know it's not about looks. It's about self-respect, and I never had any.
-I still struggle with self-image, but I believe in and love myself more than I ever have and amazingly have turned out to be a very self-respecting (opposite of my younger self), strong person.
So then why am I on here?
I haven't seen "him" in 13 years. I no longer wish we were together, but he still haunts me in the background. He's always in my subconscious and the background of my thoughts. He has a psychological hold on me. If I were to run into him, I think I would have a panic attack. I think my heart would race out of my chest, I would breathe shallow, break into a sweat, stammer and feel like an idiot. This has happened multiple times before when I did run into him.
I want to one day encounter him and take back my power. Have seeing him be like seeing an old classmate from school. Not like seeing, idk, a celebrity or something.
I have wasted nearly 2 decades of my life glorifying, deifying and idolizing a man. I've put him on a pedestal too long and I'm ready to take a bat and knock him off.
The funny thing is I'm logical about it. I know there is no future with us. But he exerted such a STRONG, UNSHAKEABLE influence on my teenage years, my 20s and even my 30s, that my head is reasoning but my heart is still stuck as that teenage girl.
I wish I could have a redo. I would have never met him. He warped my view of love. I'm afraid to be in a relationship again lest I compare it to the euphoric high I felt when I was with "him."
I honestly have never heard of a case like this and would love some input. I've done a *lot* of work on myself, but I still need help deciphering what it is I need to change and how to completely cut this cord.
Thank you for reading!!
PS Horrible childhood growing up
Here goes. When I was in high school I fell in love with an older man (8 years). At 1st I held all the power. He was obsessed with me. But then it shifted and I became absolutely obsessed with him and could not live without him. I lived & breathed for this person. After 4 years it ended. I was young and beautiful and could have dated many men after that. But I didn't. I had a self-esteem in the gutter and thought this man was the absolute love of my life. I was tormented for years and stayed single and living in the past.
Every so often I would drunk dial him or get in touch. I was blatantly pathetic in my wanting him back. He would meet up with me. But he did it for sex. He was over me. I did it because I was still truly in love with him. Unfortunately I took whatever sstuffs I could get. (Makes me sick thinking how weak I was.)
Fast forward years later. Met and married a beautiful, handsome, loving, adoring man. No one has ever truly loved me like that. But my love for him eventually wore off. I became bored in the marriage and didn't like how I didn't have to fight for my husband's love. It came too easily. He bored me b/c he wasn't fascinating and mysterious and thrilling like "him." He didn't have skeletons in the closet, he was an open book. There was no drama and intrigue. After much research, I see now that that the marriage would be classified as 'true love' (safe, loving, kind...) but I never felt that. I kept comparing the husband to the ex. And I just didn't have those same feelings, even though the husband was 1000 times better than "him."
Fast forward some years. We end up divorcing. Basically b/c I was still in love with the memory of my ex. After some time, I end up getting over both of them, the unhealthy ex and the wonderful husband that I should have loved. I felt liberated to be freed of not being in love with either. It was a beautiful feeling for many years.
Until a month ago, when I googled my ex. "Him." I saw his wife's Pinterest page and I was able to piece together their life. They have children, a gorgeous home, she takes great care of herself and truly adores him (there were a lot of quotes about love and standing by him and being soul mates, etc) and that set me back. I felt raw pain over this man, which I hadn't felt in years. After a week it slowly subsided. I am 'normal' again.
I think this is what makes my case different:
-I am haunted by the memory of a man I dated 17 years ago.
-I am not obsessed with him anymore (I google lots of people from my past every now and again out of curiosity.)
-I can admit he does not love me, does not want me and probably does not think of me at all
-we will never, ever be together and that is fine.
-if a gun were held to my head I would not kiss him, let alone engage in any sexual activity with him
-I don't take drugs or drink
-I am very attractive, I take good care of myself and get lots of attention from men. Which I turn down.
-For years I tried to be pretty to impress him if he ever saw me. Now I know it's not about looks. It's about self-respect, and I never had any.
-I still struggle with self-image, but I believe in and love myself more than I ever have and amazingly have turned out to be a very self-respecting (opposite of my younger self), strong person.
So then why am I on here?
I haven't seen "him" in 13 years. I no longer wish we were together, but he still haunts me in the background. He's always in my subconscious and the background of my thoughts. He has a psychological hold on me. If I were to run into him, I think I would have a panic attack. I think my heart would race out of my chest, I would breathe shallow, break into a sweat, stammer and feel like an idiot. This has happened multiple times before when I did run into him.
I want to one day encounter him and take back my power. Have seeing him be like seeing an old classmate from school. Not like seeing, idk, a celebrity or something.
I have wasted nearly 2 decades of my life glorifying, deifying and idolizing a man. I've put him on a pedestal too long and I'm ready to take a bat and knock him off.
The funny thing is I'm logical about it. I know there is no future with us. But he exerted such a STRONG, UNSHAKEABLE influence on my teenage years, my 20s and even my 30s, that my head is reasoning but my heart is still stuck as that teenage girl.
I wish I could have a redo. I would have never met him. He warped my view of love. I'm afraid to be in a relationship again lest I compare it to the euphoric high I felt when I was with "him."
I honestly have never heard of a case like this and would love some input. I've done a *lot* of work on myself, but I still need help deciphering what it is I need to change and how to completely cut this cord.
Thank you for reading!!
PS Horrible childhood growing up
