Post by stepsandnumbers on May 20, 2017 5:16:46 GMT -8
Here are the traits he had that I read about...
- He was not my usual type and I didn't find him attractive at first -he assessed me, realized what I was looking for, and played the part.
- He played up his shyness, the nice guy thing, and hinted at certain insecurities, and I actually admired him for traits I later discovered he didn't even have (compassion, morality, kindness).
- Socially he wanted to keep his family, friends, and me all separate. He acted different ways around different people and seemed anxious to hide it from all of us.
- I could physically sense his insecurity and darkness. At times I would be shocked at the amount of resentment and hatred I sensed. It was like he was bursting with it and as much as he tried to hide it, it would leak out.
- He was good at somehow getting me to do things and think in ways that were most convenient for him. I could not pin down what exactly he was doing at the time, but now I know he would omit information, fabricate things, and play emotional games with me.
- When I realized being with him was dangerous for my soul, I was compelled to leave (this was a spiritual act that I did not do on my own power). Afterward, he was cruel. He would call me names and make accusations to cut me down, tell me one thing then do another, lash out when I tried to have mature conversations to work things out, strategically ignore me, and do passive aggressive things that perplexed me and wore on my trust in my own intuition and understanding of reality. I'm seeing that he indirectly told me over and over that I was irrational, emotional, unstable, and unable to discern the truth while he was intelligent, rational, dependable, and entitled to my admiration.
Has anyone else ever gotten attached to someone like this? It was so hard to pull away. I am still working through my emotions, trying to understand that the real person is not someone who I knew or loved. It was only the person that was what he showed me (deception) + my wishful fantasies (projection). I'm trying to understand what about myself made me so vulnerable and why I'm having such a hard time settling on one understanding in my mind. I guess I have to let go in disjointed pieces? I still question whether any aspect of it was genuine affection (coming from him), although I do know it is irrelevant. I can't help my urges to understand what I probably never will.