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Post by moonlitvein on Jul 22, 2017 22:28:32 GMT -8
I have never felt more depressed with the idea or concept of falling in love with another man. And I don't know whether to call this sadness or depression.
I have developed feelings for a senior colleague all over again. I have repeated my pattern but not acted on it. But this time it is different because I don't really feel the excitement of the high or the fantasies don't make me happy. They are making me sad. It's crashing down on me, paralysing me and cutting down my working and functional potential down to 60%.
And yet the irony is the fantasies/ feelings refuse to go away. It feels like I have relapsed. This time I don't know what to do about it. When I came to this board in 2014, I felt cleaner since I had left relationships (with men) and started afresh. Now I feel I am almost back to square one.
I now realize that I have been using relationships and fantasies as a mood altering experience. With time I also started using food and soft drinks like coke or pepsi as a mood altering experience. I am a junk food addict. When I left relationships in 2013 to get better and resolve my issues better I kept feeling this sadness/depression which is still continuing.
I want to organize my life and move on but I am unable to coz somehow my body feels like it's giving away. My mind gives away at the same point. I feel tired a lot of times, especially when I am home.
I know my tools yet I am unable to implement them fully.
Is this a deep sadness? Is this depression (emotional/clinical) ? Is this PMS? Is it because I haven't had sex for a long time? Or am I just turning lazy as I grow old?
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 23, 2017 9:16:13 GMT -8
Tell me about it. I am still working on my anger after 34 years of recovery. In AA I learned a lot of things. 1. We are always a work in progress. 2. Self-knowledge only helps us get started. They actually said "it avails us nothing," but that is not true. 3. We need to God to help us do what we cannot do alone 4. God loves us through ever step of the PROCESS, as he always has. 5. God will never give up on us. 6. The people who really love us never give up on us. 7. We must never give up on ourselves. 8. We only have the power to do what is in front of us. 9. We have to accept what we cannot change (the past, our addiction, things that don't go our way) and we have to change what we can. 10. Sometimes we can't implement recovery tools because we are tire, overwhelmed, depressed, or ONLY human! 11. It is one day at a time which means we do the best we can each day and don't worry about what we can't do right now. Look to This Day For it is life — The very life of life. In its brief course lie all the realities and truths of existence the joy of growth the glory of action the splendor of beauty. For yesterday is already a memory and tomorrow is only a vision but today well lived makes every yesterday a memory of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day. Sanskrit Poem
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Post by loveelleng on Jul 23, 2017 9:32:21 GMT -8
I have question,if a person never gives up n me ,but always blames and is critical,judgemental,do you think it is true love?
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 23, 2017 10:53:48 GMT -8
No. True love makes you happy and confident and wanting more. Robin Norwood taught me this. I had begun to think misery was love because that is all I had ever known. True loves brings the best out in you. True love does not wish to break you down, control you or make you feel bad about yourself. The Bible talks about true love but forgets to mention that they are not talking about romantic love just agape. True love gives love and then receives it. It does not all go in one direction. This man is not your true love. That is an illusion. You deserve better. The passage below is not for love addicts. It is for healthy people who have loving people in their life. Love addicts have to watch out for messages that say we must love unconditionally. This is for our neighbor and not our partner. And sometimes we have to love our neighbor from a distance. |
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Post by ~w~ on Jul 23, 2017 12:38:35 GMT -8
Amen
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Post by moonlitvein on Jul 26, 2017 21:25:43 GMT -8
Two days back I came to know that my boss had taken another male colleague to a movie just by chance, since he felt like it, while I was still still working in office. Generally this would throw me off balance and I would go into a deep sadness. And it would show on my face and expression. But surprisingly it didn't affect me that much. I didn't feel the sadness/rejection / abandonment to the extent that I couldn't handle it.
Perhaps the fog of limerence is lifting. I read that the average span of limerence is 6 months to 36 months. Hopefully this will pass.
I am currently using www.outerchild.net to deal with my abandonment and rage issues. Hope this helps somepne else too. |
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Post by ~w~ on Jul 27, 2017 10:36:37 GMT -8
Good to hear that you are more positive !
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 27, 2017 10:51:39 GMT -8
Good to hear that you are more positive ! There is always a time to be honest with yourself and others are much pain there is in your life. But there is also a time to move on and be positive because optimism becomes a self-fulling prophecy. I go back and forth between the two but before I go to bed at night, or the moment I wake up, God puts things in perspective and I am joyful. Last night I was stressed out by living in a small cottage with my sister and partner both of whom are sick and need caring. I am screaming at them to turn the television down. Finally I go in the kitchen to get away from some noise and I think "maybe someone needs help on the message board." So there is one post from a newcomer about how painful it was that she had to run from room to room as a child to get away from all the screaming going on. I burst out in tears and posted a thank you to her for putting my petty problems into perspective and reminding me that screaming is not the answer. Prayer and service is the answer. I have learned this the hard way. In the morning I woke up and a stray cat had popped through the window and was sleeping with me. God had helped me put things into perspective, helped my realize that crying is a better way to vent than screaming, and then sent me a friend to comfort me. If I talk to much about God I am sorry, but he has been so good to me and I have to say it out loud. |
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Post by Starlablu on Jul 27, 2017 12:49:00 GMT -8
Good to hear that you are more positive ! There is always a time to be honest with yourself and others are much pain there is in your life. But there is also a time to move on and be positive because optimism becomes a self-fulling prophecy. I go back and forth between the two but before I go to bed at night, or the moment I wake up, God puts things in perspective and I am joyful. Last night I was stressed out by living in a small cottage with my sister and partner both of whom are sick and need caring. I am screaming at them to turn the television down. Finally I go in the kitchen to get away from some noise and I think "maybe someone needs help on the message board." So there is one post from a newcomer about how painful it was that she had to run from room to room as a child to get away from all the screaming going on. I burst out in tears and posted a thank you to her for putting my petty problems into perspective and reminding me that screaming is not the answer. Prayer and service is the answer. I have learned this the hard way. In the morning I woke up and a stray cat had popped through the window and was sleeping with me. God had helped me put things into perspective, helped my realize that crying is a better way to vent than screaming, and then sent me a friend to comfort me. If I talk to much about God I am sorry, but he has been so good to me and I have to say it out loud. |
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Post by ~w~ on Jul 29, 2017 9:11:48 GMT -8
That's beautiful ! I love God to though at the moments of struggling with my temper and action with my kids I get resentful.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 29, 2017 9:36:39 GMT -8
This is the thorn in my side too!
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Post by ~w~ on Jul 30, 2017 6:18:29 GMT -8
Good to know I am not alone in this .
Had nice time in local church with my kids, we went for worship ( felt like dragging my kids there - as they at that age where don't want to do these things , but it was quite positive , they loved cakes and drinks lol )
I became vegan in Jan as spiritual awakening and don't have sugar and cakes anymore . Had plain teas. At the moments we're a bit lonely as I am new there . I offered my services to get involved in church . I have to get out of my comfort zone.
People made me feel quite welcome ..
Been attracted to one guy but hey he is married .. lol
They leaving the church . It's good to see people who are good example as marriage in church . That is also good example for kids too.
How was your day?
A bit addictive to social media .
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Post by moonlitvein on Aug 1, 2017 21:42:15 GMT -8
So, yesterday I was so incredibly sad/depressed that I was bodily tired. I dropped after coming home from work. I generally come back home to listen to music or watch a film. Then I eat dinner and sleep. But yesterday was zero. I dropped.
I almost wanted to cry coz I was feeling that EVERYTHING was so shallow. I wanted to call my boss and talk to him about anti depressants and cry my eyes out. Basically in my fantasy world I wanted his attention.
Then today morning while reading a senior members older posts I realized something. I have always had A MAN for "care and affection" Now that for the last few years I am not in a relationship I still have ONE MAN OR THE OTHER in my fantasy world. So i am basically failing to sustain without the thought of a man.
I have now reached a point where I realize that when my fantasy is not turning to reality I in turn become angry and depressed since I am either finding dealing with other aspects 100% without another man very difficult or I find everything else to be shallow without a man. So basically LIFE WITHOUT MAN = PERCEIVING/FEELING EVERYTHING TO BE SHALLOW OR HOLLOW ETC.
The 100% replacement is becoming hard. Is this why I am feeling depressed most of the time??
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Post by Havefaith on Aug 2, 2017 4:13:22 GMT -8
I can't speak for anyone but myself, but for me, I have learned that I cannot depend on any one person to keep me 'happy'. It is not realistic. And it is not fair to place such a burden on another person (whether that be a friend, spouse, partner, etc.). For me, happiness (contentment, peace, joy) is an 'inside job' and while the people in my life are a big part of my joy, I don't place the responsibility for my happiness on them.
Ultimately, I heed by the words of St. Augustine who said, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee". I work on myself and put my faith in HP (Thy will, not mine, be done). When I do this, my soul feels at peace and there is balance in my life and in my relationships/friendships.
One day at a time...
HaveFaith
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Post by ~w~ on Aug 2, 2017 22:13:55 GMT -8
Moonlitvein ,
Fantasy is hard to get rid of, for me fantasy happens when reality is to painful to boring , or I don't want to face it.
Try mindfulness meditation , Slaa groups ( e.group7.net)
Don't be hard on yourself . Just accept as it is. But actions must come first to get better
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 3, 2017 9:37:34 GMT -8
Moonlitvein , Fantasy is hard to get rid of, for me fantasy happens when reality is to painful to boring , or I don't want to face it. Try mindfulness meditation , Slaa groups ( e.group7.net) Don't be hard on yourself . Just accept as it is. But actions must come first to get better For many of us fantasy is our core addiction. When I was a child I stayed in my room a lot to read to avoid going outside where the bullies were. Unfortunately, I chose to read romantic novels and obsess about being rescued from my alcoholic home by my knight in shining armor. If I had chosen to read books about how to make money I would be rich today. LOL. Still I might have ended up addicted to money like our president and where would that lead me. I take love addiction over that because love addicts really know how to love. They have gotten that down pat. They just need to learn to love themselves. |
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Post by moonlitvein on Aug 3, 2017 11:25:29 GMT -8
Thanks to all three of you so much  Your words have become the positive energy and vibe before I go to sleep and start my day afresh tomorrow. Love M |
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Post by ~w~ on Aug 4, 2017 11:10:44 GMT -8
You are definately not alone in this!
I also noticed my sexual fantasy is coverup for loss , pain and loneliness ; all I can do is just accept it
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Post by moonlitvein on Aug 4, 2017 11:40:07 GMT -8
I read at a site yesterday that excessive fantasizing and daydreaming is also actually an indicator of low mood/depression
Something to think about. I definitely feel lonely in spite of my busy life so I have been gradually understanding that I cover it with my fantasy and make believe world. Otherwise I get upset since there's no cover up for me!
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Post by ~w~ on Aug 6, 2017 0:09:11 GMT -8
Fantasy helped me to survive dysfunctional family system , school exct
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