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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 13, 2017 20:42:32 GMT -8
Love addiction is a process. It starts with attraction to the wrong person. This quickly become infatuation (idealizing someone you don't know), followed by romantic love and projecting all your hopes and dreams onto to this person. This is followed by preoccupation and then obsession. The final stage is the loss of control and severe withdrawal if the relationship breaks up. To deal with the withdrawal, you obsess even more and sometimes chase or even stalk the person you are in love with. It becomes an addiction when you have lost control and are convinced that only this particular person is for you. Once you realize that there is someone better out there and regain control of your emotions and life then the spell is broken.
Let's discuss this. When did it become an addiction for you. When were you willing to admit that you had lost control and were powerless over your love addiction or codependency. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 2, 2018 10:33:01 GMT -8
This could be transference. I fell in love with my therapist because he was sympathetic when I poured my heart out. He was my Imago which is based on my dad. What triggered the obsession for me was when I found out he was married like my dad. To avoid intimacy I have always fallen in love with unavailable men who gave me the attention my did would not. This is a real trap for love addicts.
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 2, 2018 12:34:37 GMT -8
"Having an affair is a lot different than being married. It’s a distinction too few cheaters recognize so long as the “anesthesia” of infatuation, novelty, and illicitness is still numbing the partners to the realities of committed couples. When the anesthesia wears off – and it always does – the realities of setting up a household together; balancing career, finances, and romance; seeing one another unkempt; and watching each other with runny noses, rashes, or an upset stomach, often yield to the searing pain of regret.Too many men and women who cheat on their partners mistake hormonal honeymoons for relationship reality. The even bigger mistake is that many cheaters leave their spouses and partner ... chasing an illusion that very few will ever catch."
This is from an article that hit home for me HARD. The reality -- that relationships are not fairy-tale based, that novelty wears off, that 'life' has to eventually kick in -- is KEY for me to face and accept. I have said to folks (and to myself) "You cannot spend night after night gazing into each other's eyes over a candlelight dinner. Eventually, you will have to gaze at the pile of bills and laundry and the car that needs new tires..." In other words -- it's all so romantic when 'real life' isn't in the picture!
Fantasy vs. Reality -- a struggle for the Love Addict... I choose reality.
HaveFaith
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 14, 2018 4:24:12 GMT -8
"Having an affair is a lot different than being married. It’s a distinction too few cheaters recognize so long as the “anesthesia” of infatuation, novelty, and illicitness is still numbing the partners to the realities of committed couples. When the anesthesia wears off – and it always does – the realities of setting up a household together; balancing career, finances, and romance; seeing one another unkempt; and watching each other with runny noses, rashes, or an upset stomach, often yield to the searing pain of regret.Too many men and women who cheat on their partners mistake hormonal honeymoons for relationship reality. The even bigger mistake is that many cheaters leave their spouses and partner ... chasing an illusion that very few will ever catch." This is from an article that hit home for me HARD. The reality -- that relationships are not fairy-tale based, that novelty wears off, that 'life' has to eventually kick in -- is KEY for me to face and accept. I have said to folks (and to myself) "You cannot spend night after night gazing into each other's eyes over a candlelight dinner. Eventually, you will have to gaze at the pile of bills and laundry and the car that needs new tires..." In other words -- it's all so romantic when 'real life' isn't in the picture! Fantasy vs. Reality -- a struggle for the Love Addict... I choose reality. HaveFaith This is so true and I still struggle with this concept, as reality seems so boring, stressful and overwhelming at time. The romance is an escape. The problem is that it creates chaos and pain for others. |
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Post by Havefaith on Apr 14, 2018 5:02:50 GMT -8
I also thought, for many years, that "reality seems so boring" and that is the lie that addiction feeds you, and keeps you in a state of fantasy and addiction. The drug addict wants the high. The alcoholic wants the high. The Love Addict wants the high.
But it is not real. The temporary high we get from using our drug/behavior of choice is, as you observe, "an escape" that "creates pain and chaos for others" -- and for ourselves, as addicts.
I have chosen to fight addiction, and the path is not easy, but it is gratifying and edifying to my soul. Addiction will NEVER gratify or edify. Never. Ever.
And -- there is hope. Yes, reality can be stressful. Life can be stressful! But as I learn to replace healthy behaviors with sick, addictive behaviors, the "boredom" is no longer an issue. I am not bored -- I have a new appreciation for 'healthy'. Real life examples -- I am going to a play this afternoon put on by my students at the school in which I work, The kids are so excited that I will be in the audience! I met friends for dinner last night and had a wonderful time, I am taking my (developmentally disabled but very loving) brother to church and lunch tomorrow. He loves going to church. I love taking him, praying with him, loving and worshiping HP with him. What a gift for both my brother and me.
Boring? No! I have a new-found appreciation for healthy and joyful activities with friends and family. But it did take awhile for me to get there, it did, I won't kid you. Addiction and its accompanying activities sounded more 'exciting' -- until they finally bled my soul dry and brought me to near spiritual and moral bankruptcy. And the "chaos and pain" were no longer bearable. Do NOT believe the lies of addiction, I beg you. They will lead you down a path of self-destruction, I guarantee you. Ask any heroin addict, any alcoholic, any love addict (me)...
One day at a time. One. Day. At. A. Time.
Keep posting. Do one healthy activity today. See your therapist. Pray. Post. Seek truth.
HaveFaith
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Post by terresag on Aug 29, 2018 7:26:35 GMT -8
I realized i had a major issue the moment he left... I fell apart. It wasn't just like a normal breakup... I felt I lost my very self. Then I made the horrible mistake of contacting him for to make amends... a week prior To my mom dying.. he told he he had wanted to move on. At that moment I said ok... only to contact him again the following week when she passed.... he was cold.. nothing like he had ever been. He told me to never contact him again that I had overstepped boundaries and that there was no way we could ever be friends again.. this happened like 4 days after we found out my mom had passed. I was so devastated that I wanted to die... this is when I knew I had an issue... that what I was feeling was beyond normal.
He was like my dad. So When he left... all the grief of my dads passing, all the abandonment issues, the pain of now being orphaned erupted. The only thing that saved me... Jesus Christ. Without Him I would not be here today
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Post by Butterflygirl on Aug 29, 2018 10:34:25 GMT -8
Sometimes all we have is our faith. We thought we were loving someone but instead we were giving away all of ourselves and keeping none for God. I am in withdrawal myself and it is horrible. I too am happy I have my faith to cling too. When you get past withdrawal remember to keep yourself for yourself and refuse to give everything to someone else who does not even appreciate it. Namaste |
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Post by lillypinon on Jan 13, 2019 1:28:40 GMT -8
Interesting post but I think we should get involved in any person that could be harmful to us later.
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