The Progression of Love Addiction

Before we had the term love addict we used the terms co-alcoholic and codependent. In the DSM IV love addiction is referred to as an attachment disorder, borderline personality disorder, or a variant of obsessive compulsive disorder. I just call is hell on earth.

To measure the severity of your love addiction you must identify where you are on the progression . . .

...the lover says, `I cannot love anyone else, I cannot give up loving, I cannot give up this love, for it would be the death of me and I would die of love.' Soren Kierkegaard in Works of Love

How fast and how far addiction to love can progress depends on:

⋅ The love addict's level of attachment hunger ─ need

⋅ The age of the love addict ─ diminishing self-esteem in a youth-oriented culture

⋅ Failure heaped upon failure ─ mounting fears and diminished hope

⋅ Level of denial ─ I don't have a problem

⋅ Level of stubbornness about needing to change ─ I'll die trying

⋅ Refusal to get help ─ pride

⋅ Childhood experiences ─ trauma

In the beginning stage the symptoms mentioned in Part IV are just tendencies. Love addicts still have their health, as well as a moderate amount of self-respect, and they will not hold on to a relationship too long if their needs are not being met.


In the chronic stage the symptoms of addiction to love are a way of life. Love addicts experience one addictive relationship after another and stress-related emotional and physical problems have begun to develop. Also, subsidiary addictions will now start to become a problem because the love addict is trying to find ways to take the edge off of his or her emotional pain.

As pointed out by Robin Norwood, in her book Women Who Love Too Much, obsessing in a relationship can not only cause physical and emotional problems, it can kill you. Death may come from stress related disorders (heart failure, strokes, ulcers, etc.), or from the violence that is often a part of an addictive relationship. Death can also come as a result of suicide.


⋅ Childhood trauma occurs;

⋅ An excessive hunger for love first appears;

⋅ Low self-esteem begins to develop;

⋅ A fear of abandonment and loneliness appear;

⋅ Emotional pain becomes apparent;

⋅ A need for relief increases;

⋅ Mood altering experiences are used to relieve anxiety;

⋅ Romantic fantasies become a fix;

⋅ A preoccupation with romance becomes habitual;

⋅ Relationships become a fix;

⋅ Unhealthy dependencies begin to appear;

⋅ An obsession with someone may occur;

⋅ Addictive thoughts and behavior become ritualized;

⋅ The patterns of addiction are repeated and become entrenched;

⋅ Problems associated with obsession and dependency develop;

⋅ Emotional distress appears;

⋅ Health problems appear;

⋅ Subsidiary addictions continue to progress;

⋅ Addiction to love becomes a problem;

⋅ The love addict loses control of his or her life;

⋅ Chronic depression sets in;

⋅ A crisis appears;

⋅ A life-threatening situation develops;

⋅ Danger is imminent;

⋅ Death or intervention occurs.