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Post by shastafame411 on Oct 20, 2017 14:49:05 GMT -8
I have learned a lot about recovery from love addiction since I talked my PoA into being my sponsor so I would not recommend that you do this with the woman you have a crush on. I did know about the importance of no contact back then and it was only when I move on that the pain went away. You were going to talk to this woman. What happened when your spoke? I haven't spoken to her yet
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 20, 2017 16:35:50 GMT -8
As LovelyJune explained you are fantasizing about someone before you know how she feels. This is what love addicts do. There is a release of chemicals when we fantasize that makes us feel good and displaces our depression. I was addicted to fantasizing about love before I even got my first crush. I was a depressed child and this is how I coped before I discovered sugar and alcohol. It took a long time for me to kick my addiction to fantasizing. I had to start fantasizing about something that was attainable like a career as a writer and a relationship with someone who was AVAILABLE. There is nothing wrong with your feelings, but they are wasted if they are only in your head and they are for someone who does not return your affection. Some people continue to fantasize even after recovery to avoid emotional intimacy which they are afraid of. Talk to her and get a reality check before you dream you life away. I am not saying that fantasizing is wrong. I do it all the time. But you also need to stay grounded in reality and spend some time living your life. When I first learned this I thought I had to give up all my dreams and live in the moment. Then my son told me it is ok to dream and long and you let go and let God. So I started dreaming about being a better person, being a writer, and finding an available man. All of these dreams have come true. But I end each fantasy with the words, "thy will be done."
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Post by shastafame411 on Oct 20, 2017 21:24:15 GMT -8
How do I talk to Debbie and how do I tell her? I don't want her to see me cry.
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 21, 2017 4:13:43 GMT -8
Here’s a question: would you cry if you had to talk to a random neighbor, or someone you didn’t know? Probably not. The reason you wouldn’t cry is because you assigned very little emotional content to who they are. You aren’t fantasizing about this random neighbor, so, your emotions will most likely be neutral. In other words you’d be calm. You’d be yourself.
Try to remove the fantasy, hope and expectation that you have self created regarding this woman. That might mean telling yourself or imagining unappealing traits that might not appeal to you or might make you laugh— maybe she snores, maybe she has stinky feet, maybe she wears adult diapers. Lol. Be creative. But this will help you have a more realistic view of this stranger so that when you approach her you won’t be doing so with the emotional (irrational) heart, you’ll be approaching her with your levelheaded logic. Does this help?
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Post by shastafame411 on Oct 21, 2017 13:13:51 GMT -8
How do I ensure confidentiality? Because of the nature I would like to ensure confidently. This why I want to talk to her through celebrate recovery so there's confidentiality.
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Post by matrix on Oct 24, 2017 11:25:34 GMT -8
Age is not the issue here. Gender does not matter. Shame has to go. The only thing that matters is whether or not she is available. If not move on. Love is love when it comes to attraction. Every person is different. This kind of support here makes me feel so safe. Unconditional and accepting. Thank you for providing a safe space
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Post by matrix on Oct 24, 2017 11:28:44 GMT -8
Part of sharing with someone without a guarantee of how they will respond is being vulnerable. It sounds like you are not willing to be vulnerable and are overthinking this. Do you have an update for us on how you are doing?
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Post by shastafame411 on Oct 24, 2017 11:29:39 GMT -8
Age is not the issue here. Gender does not matter. Shame has to go. The only thing that matters is whether or not she is available. If not move on. Love is love when it comes to attraction. Every person is different. This kind of support here makes me feel so safe. Unconditional and accepting. Thank you for providing a safe space Same hear. I have tried other support groups but they didn’t help much
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