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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 10, 2017 11:39:16 GMT -8
This is the saddest part of love addiction. We obsess about someone who is unavailable like one of our parents and ignore the people who do love us. All we wanted from our parents was love and then when it is offered to us we do not grasp it. Because of what happened to us as children we become ambivalent about love. We want love but we are afraid we will be hurt again. So we fall in love with the wrong people hoping they will change their mind and give us the love we never had as a child. All love addicts have an underlying fear of intimacy, and are what I call a closet avoidant. Let the therapist go and give his new person a chance to make you happy. Make yourself available to the right person. This is recovery for the love addict. The Art of Changing
Change to the human is what the metamorphosis is to the butterfly. It is the inevitable cycle of life. If there is no change there is no life. Susan Peabody, 1995 
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Post by loveelleng on Nov 10, 2017 12:37:10 GMT -8
This is the saddest part of love addiction. We obsess about someone who is unavailable like one of our parents and ignore the people who do love us. All we wanted from our parents was love and then when it is offered to us we do not grasp it. Because of what happened to us as children we become ambivalent about love. We want love but we are afraid we will be hurt again. So we fall in love with the wrong people hoping they will change their mind and give us the love we never had as a child. All love addicts have an underlying fear of intimacy, and are what I call a closet avoidant. Let the therapist go and give his new person a chance to make you happy. Make yourself available to the right person. This is recovery for the love addict. The Art of Changing
Change to the human is what the metamorphosis is to the butterfly. It is the inevitable cycle of life. If there is no change there is no life. Susan Peabody, 1995  I feel dying ,when the right perosn come, I missed him, and he is really avaialbe, and became chasing me,, I left him , from China to USA, after he already marreid, and have kids, I becaome awareness what haappd. I dont knwo hwo to describe my sadness. I checked his all imformation last night, and did not fall asleep. I alwasy "assume "him a bad and selfish perosn, superfical one love all teh pretty woman, but in fact,fianlly I know him, 90% he is not. I almost 100% sure is better than I think last night, I dnt know hwo to describe my sadness. I have impustion to kill myself, because I canot accpet I lost the person I really love ,but I flee away because of scared, and that time, in other eyes, just" not seriouly" I have no energy to pray even last night, because i cant accept my miserable life,I myself totally destroyed, and slept with toxics and garbage. when a man seriouly treat me respecally, and treid to love me in a healthy way, I kcked him off, left him far far far away, and began to miss him. also, I canto accept myself, why I did not see a therapist earlier, when I was 26, firslty time came to Boston of USA. I still have lots of lots of opportunitees to meet the one I reall lvoe and lvoe me deeply, to save me , let me have a shining and very sweet life. I know I am not only very beatuful outside, I love some one very loyal, deeply with whole heart if I really love, I "made love"by cheating and force ,addction. but never make one with the one I love i already 39, I missed someone, and forever. because I was insanity, and never follow heart. this is so so so so curel for me....I know some get cancer, that is very sad, but this kind of diseas. missed the truve love, making lvoe with toxics, and garbage, but a very beatuful, talent pure heart, is this another kind of miserable things in life?
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 31, 2017 21:22:21 GMT -8
I was supposed to go out with Frank tonight. He's a drummer and he had a gig. But I am an pavoidant at heart and have an underlying fear of intimacy. So I dropped him off and went to do the laundry. Now I'm sitting here in the mall doing the laundry by myself. The problem is I really don't know what I want. But it's progress not perfection. Happy New Year everyone.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2017 21:39:29 GMT -8
... I really don't know what I want. ... Alan Watts says, "when you don't know what you want, you reach the state of desirelessness." (desirelessness being "desirable" under Buddhist teachings) *shrug* Happy New Year!
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 31, 2018 0:24:53 GMT -8
This is the saddest part of love addiction. We obsess about someone who is unavailable like one of our parents and ignore the people who do love us. All we wanted from our parents was love and then when it is offered to us we do not grasp it. Because of what happened to us as children we become ambivalent about love. We want love but we are afraid we will be hurt again. So we fall in love with the wrong people hoping they will change their mind and give us the love we never had as a child. All love addicts have an underlying fear of intimacy, and are what I call a closet avoidant. Let the therapist go and give his new person a chance to make you happy. Make yourself available to the right person. This is recovery for the love addict. The Art of Changing
Change to the human is what the metamorphosis is to the butterfly. It is the inevitable cycle of life. If there is no change there is no life. Susan Peabody, 1995  I feel dying ,when the right perosn come, I missed him, and he is really avaialbe, and became chasing me,, I left him , from China to USA, after he already marreid, and have kids, I becaome awareness what haappd. I dont knwo hwo to describe my sadness. I checked his all imformation last night, and did not fall asleep. I alwasy "assume "him a bad and selfish perosn, superfical one love all teh pretty woman, but in fact,fianlly I know him, 90% he is not. I almost 100% sure is better than I think last night, I dnt know hwo to describe my sadness. I have impustion to kill myself, because I canot accpet I lost the person I really love ,but I flee away because of scared, and that time, in other eyes, just" not seriouly" I have no energy to pray even last night, because i cant accept my miserable life,I myself totally destroyed, and slept with toxics and garbage. when a man seriouly treat me respecally, and treid to love me in a healthy way, I kcked him off, left him far far far away, and began to miss him. also, I canto accept myself, why I did not see a therapist earlier, when I was 26, firslty time came to Boston of USA. I still have lots of lots of opportunitees to meet the one I reall lvoe and lvoe me deeply, to save me , let me have a shining and very sweet life. I know I am not only very beatuful outside, I love some one very loyal, deeply with whole heart if I really love, I "made love"by cheating and force ,addction. but never make one with the one I love i already 39, I missed someone, and forever. because I was insanity, and never follow heart. this is so so so so curel for me....I know some get cancer, that is very sad, but this kind of diseas. missed the truve love, making lvoe with toxics, and garbage, but a very beatuful, talent pure heart, is this another kind of miserable things in life? loveelleng, I can feel your pain in your post. As love addicts, we cannot cling on to the past. Our Higher Power made the decision as to what would happen with this man who was sweet and kind. We really do not know people inside and out. It may be more of an illusion to you that he is the perfect person. Perhaps some mindfulness meditation would be helpful. There are app for your phone with meditation. They have daily reminders of when to meditate and work with you to focus on the present. Not the past or future. I found these apps to be quite helpful.
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Post by loveelleng on Apr 2, 2018 6:00:49 GMT -8
I feel morea nd more horrible
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 11:32:14 GMT -8
I feel morea nd more horrible Ellen, you and I have talked a lot about feeling horrible. Tell me, what has helped you the most over the last 6 months? I seemed to detect an improvement in your mood after moving. You and I have talked about exercise, making a journal, and trying low dose medications. What kind of things did you try out? What was helpful?
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 3, 2018 14:15:02 GMT -8
Underlying Fear of Intimacy
Susan Peabody
Addiction to Love
Robin Norwood, in her book Women Who Love Too Much, points out that some women cling to men who are emotionally unavailable because unconsciously they are afraid of real intimacy. In other words, underlying their hope that an unloving man will become more loving, is their fear that he will. Usually, love addicts are not aware of their unconscious fear of intimacy because they are overwhelmed by the conscious emotions triggered by their obsession. They feel a tremendous attraction to someone and this suppresses their unacknowledged fear. One symptom of this underlying fear of intimacy is an aversion to nice people. Love addicts in recovery may tell themselves (and others) that they are looking for someone nice, but when they meet such a person they feel uncomfortable or unstimulated ─ there will be no overwhelming attraction or excitement in the initial stages of the relationship. The "pull" or the "draw" to be with this person will not be there. This is sad but it does not have to be a permanent problem. To move beyond this stage of recovery, love addicts must learn to see the value of a healthy relationship with a nice person, even if that person seems unstimulating at first or the relationship lacks the melodrama of an addictive relationship. Then, when recovering love addicts start getting to know healthy, available, loving partners they can begin to face their fear of intimacy. In my opinion, the best way to handle this fear of intimacy underlying our yearning to be loved, is to face it. This involves acknowledging the feelings of anxiety, but keeping a cool head. It means sorting out the feelings of hesitancy (that act as a warning sign of something unhealthy) from the feelings of anxiety that stem from the fear.
Suggestions
⋅ Be honest with yourself about your perception of love. Do you confuse the adrenalin rush of passion or a chaotic relationship with love? Is pain the measure of your love? (Do you tell yourself that if you weren't in love you wouldn't be hurting so much.) Have you become crisis-oriented after all these years of living with tumultuous, unhealthy relationships? ⋅ Re-evaluate your feelings about "boredom". Why does it seem like a "fate worse than death"? Do you confuse being comfortable and relaxed with being bored? Can you find other ways to experience excitement besides addictive relationships? ⋅ When you get involved with someone, evaluate the relationship using criteria other than just the level of your sexual attraction. The importance you give to being attracted to someone is not a good way to measure the quality of a relationship. (You are too used to being attracted to the wrong types.) Ask yourself if the person you are with is patient, trustworthy, considerate, understanding, generous, shares your values, has some interests similar to yours, is concerned about your needs, fights fair, and is ready to consider a commitment. ⋅ Be in the company of nice people so that you can get used to it. This can prepare you for a more serious relationship with someone nice later on. (A really healthy union may start out romantic, but in the final analysis it will have all the components of a healthy friendship. Love addicts need to find out what these components are.) ⋅ Be patient with yourself. You are doing positive things for a change and in many respects you are like a young adolescent starting all over again. Now that you aren't controlling everything and everyone anymore, you are apt to be very frightened. ⋅ Get outside of your comfort zone. Walk in a strange land until your fears subside and you can see the beauty of your surroundings. "The only way out is through." Robin Norwood
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