Post by karensheart on Apr 8, 2013 17:52:19 GMT -8
I have had tears today... so many mixed tears.
Tears cause my boyfriend didn't give me a second thought... he went on with his daily chores and didn't even drop me a message to tell me our plans were canceled. And he didn't even seem even think of me first.... I got up, got ready and waited a few hours and I get a fb message saying oh sorry. He said he wanted to... I had to bring it up. I felt discarded, second best (no not even second best maybe third or forth) He's married, in a loveless marriage but is in it for his kids who mya be leaving soon. But, I look at today like... Is this what my life is going to be?? Getting disappointed? This is very hard for my heart to take. cause I can really see spending the rest of my life with him. And he says the same to me. We have not said the "L" word cause I think we are both afraid too, afraid it will take us to another level we can't handle. I refuse to say it first (and that's a first... lol) And Yet, I know this is NOT the right way to start of a healthy relationship... I think I know in my head what needs to be done but the addict in me doesn't want to let all the good feelings that goes with seeing and being with him... He gives me so much I have wanted, unconditional love, respect, openness, let me be "me" without feeling embarrassed, ridiculed, naive, ugly, fat. He listens to me, lets me babble and says he believes I've been misunderstood most of my life. He loves my creativity and says I inspire that in him. he says I've made him feel again, and wants to feel more. God this is so hard.....
More tears cause at Easter I had some triggered feelings about my POA ex, and it pisses me off cause I thought I was over with him. He is my husband whom we are separated that I still live with but only for financial reasons. Eventually we will get divorced. We have separate sleeping arrangements and live as roommates. I saw him with his son and saw how happy he was with him. He was smiling and laughing, and my heart started to swell cause I remember that he had a smile like that for me long ago. He had a hard time at the party cause he is a recovering alcoholic and he was starting to get triggers from it... We spoke later about that and I had other triggers about that talk.... The next day I told him I had triggers too. It helped to talk about it but it still hurts... And since then I've had little triggers.... today during my crying jag, I heard a song that reminded of our last time we had sex together and I heard it right before we went into the bedroom and I think it was a warning from "somewhere".. it's called "One Part Be My Lover One Part Go Away" by Bonnie Raitt And I remember hearing that and thinking oh maybe I shouldn't be doing this... But my addict said "No you want this" God... I hate that... I hate it.... I hat that I don't listen. I hate that from my years of therapy I learned what to look for, what to do, and I still give in. I know it's a neejerk reaction... and also a choice... I try and keep myself busy when he's home. I try not to be in the same room with him (in a one bedroom apt no less) and on the weekends I go out alot. I started some craft projects when he's home. I try and keep myself busy but days like this... when he's at work and is not home and I have an anxiety attack about something (like my boyfriend) my mind goes there. And when the tears starts it's hard to stop. cause it's like everything hits me. I read what Susan posted about the river of tears... I did make me feel a little better. Cause crying does make me feel better, just not while I'm crying.
Tears cause my boyfriend didn't give me a second thought... he went on with his daily chores and didn't even drop me a message to tell me our plans were canceled. And he didn't even seem even think of me first.... I got up, got ready and waited a few hours and I get a fb message saying oh sorry. He said he wanted to... I had to bring it up. I felt discarded, second best (no not even second best maybe third or forth) He's married, in a loveless marriage but is in it for his kids who mya be leaving soon. But, I look at today like... Is this what my life is going to be?? Getting disappointed? This is very hard for my heart to take. cause I can really see spending the rest of my life with him. And he says the same to me. We have not said the "L" word cause I think we are both afraid too, afraid it will take us to another level we can't handle. I refuse to say it first (and that's a first... lol) And Yet, I know this is NOT the right way to start of a healthy relationship... I think I know in my head what needs to be done but the addict in me doesn't want to let all the good feelings that goes with seeing and being with him... He gives me so much I have wanted, unconditional love, respect, openness, let me be "me" without feeling embarrassed, ridiculed, naive, ugly, fat. He listens to me, lets me babble and says he believes I've been misunderstood most of my life. He loves my creativity and says I inspire that in him. he says I've made him feel again, and wants to feel more. God this is so hard.....
More tears cause at Easter I had some triggered feelings about my POA ex, and it pisses me off cause I thought I was over with him. He is my husband whom we are separated that I still live with but only for financial reasons. Eventually we will get divorced. We have separate sleeping arrangements and live as roommates. I saw him with his son and saw how happy he was with him. He was smiling and laughing, and my heart started to swell cause I remember that he had a smile like that for me long ago. He had a hard time at the party cause he is a recovering alcoholic and he was starting to get triggers from it... We spoke later about that and I had other triggers about that talk.... The next day I told him I had triggers too. It helped to talk about it but it still hurts... And since then I've had little triggers.... today during my crying jag, I heard a song that reminded of our last time we had sex together and I heard it right before we went into the bedroom and I think it was a warning from "somewhere".. it's called "One Part Be My Lover One Part Go Away" by Bonnie Raitt And I remember hearing that and thinking oh maybe I shouldn't be doing this... But my addict said "No you want this" God... I hate that... I hate it.... I hat that I don't listen. I hate that from my years of therapy I learned what to look for, what to do, and I still give in. I know it's a neejerk reaction... and also a choice... I try and keep myself busy when he's home. I try not to be in the same room with him (in a one bedroom apt no less) and on the weekends I go out alot. I started some craft projects when he's home. I try and keep myself busy but days like this... when he's at work and is not home and I have an anxiety attack about something (like my boyfriend) my mind goes there. And when the tears starts it's hard to stop. cause it's like everything hits me. I read what Susan posted about the river of tears... I did make me feel a little better. Cause crying does make me feel better, just not while I'm crying.
