How do you stop yourself observing your POA?

My PoA had an office where I could see him and I one day he moved his furniture where I could see him anymore. I realized that he knew what was going on and I was so embarrassed. Then they transferred me to another building and that did not help either. I finally got another job and continued to call him. When I finally ended all contact I began to heal. I am a Torchbearer so to this day I have fond memories of this guy but it doesn't hurt anymore. My heart goes out to you.

This sounds really stressful. No one minds you posting anywhere That is what this place is for

You have a living situation that is reinforcing this hunger. You mentioned living with your father. What is that like?

I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Would it be possible to get some physical distance from him?

Just to confirm, I feel my father seeks my approval not the other way round. Or he did until recently. He has always been withholding whenever I sought out approval as a kid. He is mean to my mum so I confront him then he is abusive as a defence so I stopped talking to him. I can't deal with someone who is always gaslighting and who believes he is never wrong.

I feel for you Elisa, and I can relate to the pain of rejection. Almost like we crave the pain we get from these men (or women). I am working on not needing that pain, not needing to punish myself by being attracted to people who don't appreciate me for who I am. Attracted to people who have qualities that reinforce what I do not like in myself. Which part of me am I feeding..

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

”It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is toxic – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Thanks so much to you both. When you say the person reinforces qualities you do not like in yourself, I guess I am finding it hard to know what that is within myself. I don't say mean things to myself or have negative self talk so I find it difficult to undetstand. Are you talking about qualities that are the result of being rejected like self pity, crying etc. or are you talking about qualities that the person dislikes about you that you also dislike?

This is hard work. Much harder than with most previous POAs. Partly because I see him every day, partly because I befriended someone who is also a Love Addict at work and who has her own POA and it's dragging me down a bit as that's all we talk about and partly because I usually move onto someone else but I don't want to do that. It stops here but I have nowhere to "go" now - like drive with no direction.

I made the mistake of going up to him on Fri to talk. He was clinical as per usu not asking me how I was though I asked him but he did keep the conversation going. I strongly suspect he also has Aspergers so he does not do pleasantries but I don't want to make excuses especially as he was able to ask his boss how her vacation was. I think he has a crush on her though.

Today I fed the addiction further by emailing him genuinely believing it would be harmless then it quickly became a game of awaiting his response but as odd as this sounds it's almost as if, as you said, my end goal was the pain of the rejection itself - of him ignoring me which he eventually did. I was anxiously awaiting it. Fearing it but knowing it was coming yet I couldn't stop emailing to clarify things I felt needed clarifying. Why am I doing this? Is the pain the drug? I'm struggling to understand because I genuinely get nothing out of our interaction superficially speaking. If I were to have our sort of interaction with someone else I just wouldn't contact that person because it's not interesting to me.

I can stop to observe but what do I say to myself? That the addict is hungry but feeding it will never be satisfying?

Break down the moment to moment hopes, fears, and dreams required to get to the point where you're putting a message together for someone that is clearly not reciprocating. You're typing it out, you're being vulnerable, you're going to say just the right thing to provoke or inspire a response. You're getting high on the idea of a response leading to the faintest glimmer or reciprocation. You toss your benediction out into the sea and....

Nothing... or worse, you get a message from HR. Something about workplace boundaries and harassment... I don't want to scare you but I want to scare you a little. This is the short road for men that try the things you are doing to get this guys attention in the workplace. You have this unfounded jealousy going as well. You have no rational basis to claim this guy in the first place, let alone be jealous.

I'm a little stricter sounding because this is just like my situation. I dated my POA for a couple of years in High School... High School! When she was in the process of raking me over the coals nobody defended me once. The message I kept getting from everyone was, "Let it go, you have no business laying claim to a relationship or connection."  I apparently did not get that message because I kept pursuing and POA kept luring. At least your guy is not taunting you and daring you to try and get you to overstep and get arrested... There are real consequences to holding on to an unjustified entitlement.

Elisa, my own issues are peeking through. You make a lot of assumptions about men that are common stereotypes. Not all men are violent and unable to verbalize emotions. I'm saying that if a man was persistent with the same behaviors you describe, he would be met with a much different response in general. I think we're past clubbing women on the head and dragging them back to the cave...

Ok well, be confronted a little here and know that unless you change something, things will stay the same. You will continue to feel these rogue feelings and be subject to unwelcome desires to reach out and possess this guy. 
Let me make sure I am clearly understanding the situation. Have you dated this person in the past? Is he your ex? I was under the impression that you were simply trying to start some kind of relationship. If the latter is true, you are describing being jealous of a person that owes you nothing, has no existing connection, is not expected to reciprocate, and is also trying to work for a living without being complicated by other people.

You clearly feel hurt. The questions are, are you hurt over an imagined loss or a real one? Who is doing the imagining? 

Thanks for the response and clarification, havefaith. I have found you to be respectful in your interactions so I appreciate that.

I'm thinking that I am more the guilty party here. Let me just apologize for being firmer that usual. I just want to help Elisa. Please know that.

That was clearly to Maxwell not havefaith as he was making strange assumptions about my actions that were not based on fact at all. I can't accept false information. He crossed a line. It was disrespectful and dishonest.

When someone frustrates you with their post please contact them using the personal message feature and confront them there. Ask them to delete or modify their post. I am trying to avoid bickering here as that is the most common reason newcomers turn away and miss out on the help them need. Thank you.

I explained why I was upset and what was wrong in the post that you deleted. If you still have a copy of it you will see it.

Maxwell, again, I have no issue with people being firm but that's not what you were doing. You were projecting your issues onto me. You were making assumptions and dragging me into a gender debate amongst other things which had nothing whatsoever to do with my issue. I explained myself more clearly and in a more detailed way in the deleted post.