In an attempt to post somewhere other than the withdrawal section, I am posting here. My hope is to solidify my sense of self while I am single after having some painful dating experiences.
As therapy for myself, I have written out my values and I hope this helps other people.
Connection - intimacy with someone: body, mind, spirit Commitment - devotion and honour to long term lifestyle with a sense of safety in that conviction Sacred space - giving gratitude to positive occurrences, honouring the universe, faith Intuition - trusting the voice, knowing which voice is speaking, giving thanks and giving it back Family - healing, creative positive patterns for my child Community - healing patterns in exposure, supporting each other, growing together Efficiency - sustainability, resourcefulness, directness Boundaries - clear separation of kindness/crossing lines and ability to state when crossed Contact - value in contact frequency, consistency Progression - consistently moving forward, looking deeper, exploring Communication - intelligence, open heart, open mind Laughter - deep heart felt laughter, not at the expense of others Emotionally available - present with difficult feelings, willing to process whatever comes up Health - food, exercise, water, drug/alcohol free Loyal/ monogamous - mirroring and exploring vulnerability and intimacy in a safe space Passion - sexual passion as well as purpose in life - ambition Creativity - art, cooking, using imagination
... I have written out my values and I hope this helps other people.
Sacred space - giving gratitude to positive occurrences, honouring the universe, faith Emotionally available - present with difficult feelings, willing to process whatever comes up Loyal/ monogamous - mirroring and exploring vulnerability and intimacy in a safe space
I remember dating my partner. That first date was all about fitting my top three. I picked out a few from your list. I really wanted someone that would be honest, loyal and had a fear of God. That, and if I didn't get a kiss of the cheek on the first date, they never got a second.
A few things I have experienced over the last few months as a single mother trying to date:
Hot/Cold/Emotionally unavailable (link)- this is about the chase, once someone 'has' you, then they manage down your expectations. As a love addict, this triggers abandonment, obsession. I am in this situation at the moment, trying to maintain some dignity in the face of being repeatedly blown off. Ultimately, if I really valued myself completely, I would walk away knowing that my actions say to the universe 'I am worth more than how I am being treated, thank you for the lesson'. Being in this situation twice now, has me wonder - what is it about myself that is attracting this, how am I emotionally unavailable? The hot/cold/blown off treatment is especially hard for me because I like to process my feelings with people. I consistently reach out to friends to connect. To be dating someone who suddenly goes cold blocks that process so I am left to do it all myself.
Sex - I have chosen to not have sex with anyone I have dated this year. This is a new choice for me. So far, it has helped me maintain some dignity and also revealed who these men are without being distracted by sex. This in itself is a small miracle and I need to celebrate that fact.
Children come first - I have not introduced my son to anyone I have dated this year. I plan to wait until I know for sure that it is a committed and exclusive situation before that happens.
One thing about writing all this out is being accountable to you guys. There is no 'sitting in my @#%%" once I acknowledge the positives, my values and the direction I want to head in.
Excellent choice -- celebrate the fact, indeed, that you recognize 'recreational sex' as damaging to heart, mind and soul (and body, via STD's).
"The notion that sex can be pursued as recreation, isolated from a larger relational and moral context, is an obvious scam." (https://www.firstthings.com/web-exclusives/2017/11/scam-artists-and-sex-education)
If I ever find myself single, I will tattoo that in my brain.
I am in awe of the magic of exposure and the universe. Right after I wrote all this, the guy I had been dating broke up with me - via text (claasssssssssy). That tells me that I put it out there, the universe heard me and took out of my path what wasn't aligned my values. I am so grateful. Hurt, but grateful.
Thank you for your support Max and BP. There are so many similarities between this situation and my last three (partner emotionally disengaging, going cold, me panicking & obsessing). I suppose that in the future, when I feel the other person stop investing, that's time to process myself out of the situation. I am a little in the self pity stage, my experience this year has been rejection. I am grateful for this place.
... I am a little in the self pity stage, my experience this year has been rejection. I am grateful for this place.
I've been there. It's a sober place.
I've made a plan to visit one of my go-to places for when I'm really low. I go out to the animal shelters around town and I visit the dogs with a pocket of treats. The helpers at these places are often amazing souls and they are also the ones that have to carry out putting the animals down sometimes. It's very compassionate work to rehabilitate animals. I wish I could do more of that.
Funny you mention that, because I am fostering feral cats at the moment. It has been a good place for me, to slowly gain their trust and hear them purr.
I should mention that I told this guy that we should probably break up in person, not via text. He has agreed. I have deleted and blocked him from FB and IG. My motivation is that I have been told that text breakups are not real, that it's easier to be sucked back in, and I want to have some dignity by facing him and ending it. I have also been told that how you leave one relationship is how you enter the next one. I want to be vulnerable and face him and say goodbye.
... I should mention that I told this guy that we should probably break up in person, not via text. He has agreed. I have deleted and blocked him from FB and IG. My motivation is that I have been told that text breakups are not real, that it's easier to be sucked back in, and I want to have some dignity by facing him and ending it. I have also been told that how you leave one relationship is how you enter the next one. I want to be vulnerable and face him and say goodbye.
Only you know your individual situation. I would suggest that text breakups are real enough. Getting together in person sounds a bit like "sucking back in". What do you see coming from that "in person" interaction. Do you imagine he should look you in the eye or something? How real does it have to get?
Like I said, only you know what is reasonable for you. I'm feeling a red flag with this one. "I want to be vulnerable and face him" sounds to me like you want him to witness your vulnerability so he might know just how much you took a chance on him. Maybe he would reconsider? I'm kind of imagining or guessing how that might play out... I want to break this thought out a little. If we reversed the genders and it was a man saying to a women, I want to meet up to break up in person, would that be weird? This is another difference between men and women. Women are not tolerant of these pursuit behaviors at all. Men are lucky to get a text if they are not "ghosted". Men respond to vulnerable women. I have to confess for all to see and read, my reaction to your declaration of vulnerability is a desire to, i don't know, hug you or something physical to reassure you. So like, this is a boundary thing...
Thank you Max, I did consider if this was a manipulation on my part. I have time and will consider if this is the right thing to do over the next two days. To me it seems more respectful to break up in person but I suppose it's over anyway.