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Triangle
Feb 25, 2018 8:08:24 GMT -8
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Post by paisley on Feb 25, 2018 8:08:24 GMT -8
Got my guest room in order. Cried the whole time because I had to assemble this bed with borrowed power tools and that makes me miss having the help of a man to do that sort of heavy lifting. But it’s done.  This makes me think of how helpless I can feel, when I’m really not helpless. I know it stems from craving the love and support from my parents that I didn’t get. When I’m triggered or acting out, I just stop taking care of these things and sit around like a helpless child waiting to be rescued. This latest POA has been rescuing me for two years. At times it aggravated me because he was smothering me. Now that he’s withdrawn I feel abandoned again. Strange thing...he’s been telling me he still wants to do things for me around the house like this. I consider these acts of service to be a display of love or affection. I consider it intimate and would be upset if I had a boyfriend filling that role for another woman unless I was somehow involved (like having a boyfriend help one of my friends or both of us discussing it and agreeing it’s ok to do so). I’m not sure if that’s unreasonable of me, but I know it’s caused major problems in my relationships when I have a boyfriend rescuing other women. I like when it’s directed at me, I feel betrayed when it’s directed at others. And it always comes down to a guy just being nice and me getting weird about it and being insecure. Always. Regardless, I started thinking about how the POA rejected me for someone he supposedly loves MORE, yet he’s already cheated on her and is dishonest with regards to the nature of our relationship. And I want him back? Well part of me feels this proves he doesn’t really love her and will soon be back in my arms...but another part of me knows he did this to me too. Maybe not making out with his ex girlfriend, (who knows?) but certainly misrepresenting the nature of their relationship by trying to pass it off as just friends and omitting the fact that she was pleading for him to come back to her. Like what I’ve been doing all month. I need to realize it’s the same scenario, I’m just on another side now. It makes me feel a little better to feel pity for the new gf in that regard, but it’s mixed with the feeling that I’m just too insecure and controlling. And that it’s ok to let your boyfriend have these friendships with other women. Basically, there’s something horribly wrong with me and I’ll never have a healthy relationship as a result. Or maybe I’m just on a streak of picking men with poor boundaries and of course that’s going to be painful. Maybe his need to rescue women is ok with this new gf. She was impressed that he was helping with this relative of mine. I believe I’d feel threatened by that if the roles were reversed. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 25, 2018 16:23:45 GMT -8
Got my guest room in order. Cried the whole time because I had to assemble this bed with borrowed power tools and that makes me miss having the help of a man to do that sort of heavy lifting. But it’s done. . Oh my God we have so much in common. I was a single parent for all time we were growing up. I asked for help because when I grew up only men fixed things around the house. Nobody came except the guy who tried to molest my son, so I learned how to do it myself. This lifted my self-esteem and made me feel good about myself. Then I went in the opposite direction and refused to ask for help so I would not have to risk rejection. This ended when I had to reach out in recovery or die. Today I ask for help, but when it is not available I do it myself and then brag about how good I did. LOL Go with the flow. Ask for help, but don't get addicted to getting it. |
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Post by Xena Warrior Princess on Feb 25, 2018 17:11:59 GMT -8
I was involved in a triangle for a year. 4 weeks ago I ended it and then he did too by sending me a note in the mail. The withdrawal has been brutal.
That being said, I am gaining more clarity and I can hear the voice of my HP working in my life. I still have ups and downs, but not as extreme now. It has been 4 weeks NC.
I love being alone and enjoying the peace and quiet. Never thought that could happen.
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Triangle
Feb 26, 2018 4:37:28 GMT -8
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Post by paisley on Feb 26, 2018 4:37:28 GMT -8
Thinking more of my helpless and how I use it to manipulate.
I am very independent. Even if I don’t want to do the heavy lifting around the house, I can easily hire some help.
When I’m in a relationship though, I start expecting him to do it. My ex husband was very good at taking care of these things.
I’m 8 years in to this divorce and have taken care of countless things on my own. I’ve thrown in some challenge just for the heck of it.
This latest POA was insistent about doing things for me, including opening the car door, etc to the point I told him not to...it was a sweet gesture but I felt a tad over the top. But then he goes away and I’m craving this help again.
We both ended up at a friend’s last night and it was weird how he didn’t fuss over me. He knew I parked several blocks away and when I announced I was leaving it was weird how he didn’t insist upon walking me to my car. I actually stood up and hesitated as if he would. He has changed his behavior.
The good thing is that I walked to my car with no tears. A MUCH younger guy flirted with me on the street and I somehow managed to open the car door by myself.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 26, 2018 10:36:32 GMT -8
We all have special things that we need from our partner. You have the option of moving on or adapting to the loss of what you had before. Take care.
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Post by paisley on Feb 27, 2018 5:41:50 GMT -8
Feeling much better now. Decided to take charge of my life again and go out in some different directions. I reached out to a man (strictly platonic older gentleman) I have met a few times at shows and parties about an event we both wanted to do Friday night and he's excited for my company too. I will meet another friend of his and probably two strangers who will be teamed up with us for a trivia match. It's at a super nice venue and I'm looking forward to dressing up a little and socializing with new people. None of my normal tribe will be there and that feels good right now. I feel I need a shift in my direction and this is a start. I planned something with my normal group on Sunday as well...I want to nurture these relationships as well, but I also want to bring some new people into the mix. For the first time in about a month, I'm excited and optimistic!! I feel good about letting go of the POA and his new relationship. I am not going to pull them close and try to be her friend though. I think that will naturally put lots of distance between us. The more I'm just a peripheral character in this POA's life the less attractive he is to me anyway. I just had to accept the changes and I think I'm getting there. Good for him if he found someone with whom he is more compatible. I've actually treated him pretty poorly at times and I know our relationship could be hard on him too. I've decided to just be loving (or nice). He does something to help my relative, I say "thank you" and I don't have expectations from him. Letting those expectations go has been the hard part. I really expected a lot of him and up until this new girlfriend came along, he delivered as best as he could. Recently he's even said he wants to manage his time better so he can be there more for me. What I saw instead was him spending LESS time around. More just saying what he thinks I want to hear and also acting as if we are a couple with regards to me stating my desires and him trying to accommodate. In that regard, this new girlfriend really doesn't have such a good catch...unless she's OK with her boyfriend trying to appease me (even if it's just empty words)...or perhaps she's just blissfully ignorant and always will be. Whatever works for them, I suppose. I need to excuse myself from their relationship anyway...and I feel I'm getting there. |
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Post by paisley on Mar 2, 2018 21:32:24 GMT -8
Horrible steps backwards.
Spent a whole day freaking out on the POA via text.
This makes no sense and I know I'm acting out but I feel I want him here with me so bad. That's where I am. Last night I rode with him to see some friends and the two of us ended up having dinner with another couple. They were all talking about stuff we should do in the future and wanted me to come to their house, and POA was going to take a day off work to hang out with me in a couple of weeks, the day I planned to be without him. = It was like we were a couple out on a double date. When walking back to the car, POA was giving me reason to believe he is not really too happy in his relationship. He has made more than one comment to make me believe this. He also wanted to join me tonight, but I blew up saying it's not fair for him to want me around when the girlfriend is unavailable and be by my side making it impossible for me to meet a new guy. He said today that the girlfirend is leaving for a week and he has time to think this over. I twisted off and said he already made his choice to reject me so there's nothing to think about. I got really childish. He said he has a fear that if he breaks up with her that I'll decide I don't want him and push him away again and then he'll resent me forever.
I'm just in so much pain. I feel I can't convince him and so why should I want him? He keeps saying he's staying with her and that he's in love. However I'm convinced he's not happy and this is not a lasting relationship. It should be none of my business but I keep commenting on it and putting it down. I question that it's even a relationship because of their lack of time together and his focus on me. I reminded him he's already cheated on her and is not honest about the nature of our friendship. Lying by omission. We have no boundaries. He still wants me around. I told him that makes me feel like we're building something together, making these plans, and we're not. It's a lie and it's inappropriate if he loves her. It's too painful. Yet I still keep wanting him around, hoping he's changed his mind. He hasn't. He's just sad he's losing his friend (me) so that means he's backing off, which makes me ache and triggers the pain from the neglect I experienced as a child. It boils out of me and I can't control it. I also can't control the compulsion to reach out to him in punishing and manipulative ways.
He also said he is thinking about telling his girlfriend that I'm still in love with him. That makes me think he's ready to end it with her or it's at least fizzling out. Who knows if he will though, he doesn't trust me to be here and apparently he can't risk being alone. I"m stirring up some really bad stuff, and setting up a disastrous situation, I know.
I feel I want him as my boyfriend because I want him helping me out around the house, with this relative and with life in general. It's hard. Life is hard and I just cannot do this on my own any more. I'm defeated and worn out, depressed. I want help, I want a partner. I am not young anymore. I simply want him here to help me shoulder these burdens and have someone to physically love. I can't keep going at it alone, I just can't. I see myself sinking into a pit of despair that I cannot recover from. I want him here. I feel like time has run out for me regarding ever finding love. I honestly feel like he is my last chance or my last hope. I know it's irrational but that's what I'm doing.
I feel I made a mistake pushing him away before.
I can't stand the thought of him with his girlfriend. I don't know why I was mostly fine with it before, but now I can't stand it.
I'm aggravated and set off by him pulling back and rejecting me. I'm set off by him agreeing that he needs to give me space and leave me alone. I"m set off by him "thinking about it" and not KNOWING that he wants to be with me.
I'm very upset at the idea of dealing with my relative on my own and not having him there during the toughest moments. Also upset that he wants to help, but not give up his girlfriend. That's where I'm also angry that he sought out a new relationship while I was going through this (even though I'm the one who pushed him away).
I am just amazed at him for not seeing this my way. Like I'm baffled by it. it is similar to how I felt when my mom didn't comfort me after my dad beat me. I remember being hysterically upset in bed utterly baffled that my mom didn't see it my way and help me out or at least give me a dang hug. It floored me. Same feeling I'm having now where I crave the comfort from the POA but he's not doing it and I'm crawling out of my skin with grief, anxiety, panic attacks...almost hyperventilated crying earlier. IT'S SO INTENSE I feel it's controlling things right now and I'm just running around insane.
Oh my, I am not well.
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Post by Havefaith on Mar 3, 2018 12:01:32 GMT -8
I am so sorry, paisley, for this painful state you are in.
If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that I cannot force anything to happen. I don't have that type of control, especially over people.
In my darkest days of addiction, I felt my POA pulling away from me. I offered him what I thought was a 'sweet deal' -- see me just once a month (he could even determine the date) for a secret, illicit tryst. He said "No. Don't wanna plan ahead." I was stunned. I could not entice him into taking me up on this most 'excellent' offer.
Of course, in retrospect, he did me the biggest favor. But at the time -- I was devastated.
I got myself into therapy (it was a sick, pathological 'relationship' and deep down I knew it) and learned (and practiced) that which I can and cannot control. It is LIBERATING (think Serenity Prayer). By the way, I still have my struggles (I am borderline OCD, GAD and am prone to ruminating, obsessive thoughts), hence, I remain in therapy and practice daily vigilance in my recovery efforts.
But here's the bottom line -- for any relationship to work (platonic, friend, opposite sex) it has to be healthy (i.e. shared values), open, reciprocal in nature, and mutually agreed upon by both people. Forcing a situation (or begging, which I was known to do) never works. Ever.
But I think we all know that. Now we have to embrace it and come to an acceptance of it. And yes, that's the hard (but necessary) part...
HaveFaith
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Post by paisley on Mar 4, 2018 7:25:03 GMT -8
Still trying to analyze what's triggering me and I see the scenario when I was a kid. My parents didn't have that good of a relationship with each other. Then there was me. That's the triangle. I pitted them against each other sometimes, although I was mostly absent from the family. So when I was beaten, I saw my mother's betrayal (not comforting me, not protecting me) as siding with my father...even though they didn't have much love for each other. It was baffling and I think that's a big part of what had me so stunned and traumatized by it.
I think that trauma is playing a part now because I see the familiarity. He is giving me some hints that he is not happy in this relationship. I also see that as him being disrespectful of his relationship with her. I see him seeking me out as disrespectful of her. So he doesn't even care for her that much, yet he's not comforting me in favor of her. It's freaking me out.
I know that's what is causing this irrational reaction in me...but I don't know how to stop reacting irrationally.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2018 18:13:24 GMT -8
... My parents didn't have that good of a relationship with each other. Then there was me. That's the triangle. I pitted them against each other sometimes ... ... I don't know how to stop reacting irrationally. You are playing out a repetition compulsion based in your experiences with your parents, but now in adulthood, projected upon this other couple. You're pitting your love interest against another woman to see if you are the more important one. I can easily see a young girl, witnessing an unstable mother/father relationship, doing this kind of thing to secure father love. It sounds like you are somewhat aware of this though. Becoming self aware is a step in the right direction. Sometimes when you see yourself in the middle of an identified pattern, you can make an active choice to interrupt it. |
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Post by paisley on Mar 5, 2018 5:12:06 GMT -8
Yep. That's exactly it, and I've done it before too.
The hard part is the "friendship" he wishes to maintain and help out with my relative. It's overwhelming for me. I cannot handle it. Cannot handle my life right now. He wants to help, but my compulsions are making that impossible. He's having to retreat to save his relationship and his own sanity at this point.
He says he is here for me. I say he's not HERE. He's with someone else...and I'm having a very hard time accepting that. I don't want her around...and she's usually not. She's absent most of the time. He won't bring her around me. She works out of town a lot and has a school kid she doesn't want him around too much yet and he's wanting to hang out with me to fill the space. It's brutal. I can't just view him as a friend after this level of closeness with him helping me, him telling me he loves me and will always be there for me. It's too confusing for my emotions and then you throw in the unresolved childhood issues triggering this OCD and I'm a freakin mess.
He told me something yesterday that shattered my heart, maybe for good this time. Maybe I have a clue now and can finally move on. He said he is happy with this gal. Happy. Happy with her and his relationship with me has been all about disappointment and hurt. Of course he chooses the gal who makes him happy. I HAVE TO LET THIS GO.
I vow not to text him with manipulation any more. Today will be day one. Not sure how I will handle it when he contacts me to go see my relative, or when my relative takes a turn for the worse and I feel compelled to let him know, or he sends me an invite to his b-day (while she's out of the country) or when we run into each other while out with mutual friends. I have no clue how I can handle this going forward. I just feel so hurt, so empty and alone. Rationally I know I'm not. I have so many good friends and wonderful things to do, I'm just pushing everyone away lately in favor of this obsession. He doesn't want to be with me...but he does...but not in the way I want.
He says he's not telling his girlfriend the truth about how I feel about him because he doesn't want her worrying about us being together. That upset me again because he didn't mind me knowing about this gal trying to get him back when we were together. Seems like I should see his lack of boundaries and lack of clarity keeps creating these situations...but I also think maybe it's just me and this gal is going to be OK with all this and he's going to treat her better and I just messed up my chances of having something great because I'm too screwed up to have anything great. Then I think if I run into her I'm going to tell her this stuff, or be cold to her...act like I don't remember her name or something...act surprised she's around and if she tries to be my friend say something like, "I don't get involved with (POA's) tinder dates because it's backfired on me before". I want to belittle and minimize their relationship. I also think about sending her a message telling her that he cheated on her with me. But I know that would just make things worse and I'd feel worse about myself. And part of me also wants to preserve my chances of being with him in the future. Maybe keep him around as a "plan b" someday. I feel his relationship may not work out...or they may be married and be together from now on. I don't know. Sounds pathetic, but that's where I am.
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Triangle
Mar 6, 2018 12:19:45 GMT -8
via mobile
Post by paisley on Mar 6, 2018 12:19:45 GMT -8
2nd day of no manipulation (so far) but the cravings are intense. I saw him last night though with mutual friends. We were friendly and I felt like I could do this without losing my mind, but here I am obsessing and craving like mad.
Having a really hard time accepting the situation. Amazed that I could take such gigantic steps backwards with setting boundaries and recovery in general.
Promising not to manipulate, yet still thinking of all these ways to keep him close and eventually get him back. It’s such a gnawing, helpless feeling.
But I know, I must let this go.
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