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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 24, 2018 14:00:32 GMT -8
Seductive Withholders
Seductive Withholders (SW’s) are people who can act very seductive one moment (implying they are available), and then very withholding the next. The shift is dramatic and comes at unexpected times or after an argument. Every SW has his or her own style of seduction, but it usually quite persuasive and tied into your personal needs which you revealed early on while dating. The withholding can be anything from holding back affection, not returning phone calls, or seeing other people—in general it means being unavailable. It always involves a breakup. There are various explanations for why people withhold. With some it is a matter of control. This is ego-driven. They like power over people and they do this by keeping them on the edge of their seats all the time. More common is the person who withholds because they are frightened of intimacy. When they are feeling needy and safe they get seductive. When they get too close and feel claustrophobic they withhold. A good book about this is by Carter and Sokul entitled "Men Who Can't Love." Don’t fall in love before you have gotten to know someone. Watch them closely and look for patters of seduction and withholding. If a pattern persists, get out of the relationship quickly. Do not tell yourself this is your imagination. Don’t second guess yourself. Don’t give this person and third and fourth chance. Don’t believe his lies Believe that you can do better. |
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Post by Xena Warrior Princess on Feb 11, 2018 15:32:38 GMT -8
It has been two weeks of NC with a married SW. PoA. He promised me over and over he would leave his wife. We made up and broke up for a year. The pain of it was unbelievable, but I believed him, over and over. His wife found our IM chats.PoA told her it was a fantasy. He changed dramatically and didn't want anything to do with me after that. Crazymaking. Going through withdrawal. I believed we had a connection that was love. Guess not.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 11, 2018 16:56:11 GMT -8
It has been two weeks of NC with a married SW. PoA. He promised me over and over he would leave his wife. We made up and broke up for a year. The pain of it was unbelievable, but I believed him, over and over. His wife found our IM chats.PoA told her it was a fantasy. He changed dramatically and didn't want anything to do with me after that. Crazymaking. Going through withdrawal. I believed we had a connection that was love. Guess not. This may seem mean, but I told you so. I am glad you are back. Two weeks ago was your new beginning . . . It is time for Echo to heave Narcissus alone! |
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Post by Xena Warrior Princess on Feb 11, 2018 17:20:14 GMT -8
Amen Sister! That preaches😊
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Post by havefaith on Feb 11, 2018 18:59:47 GMT -8
Men in affairs seldom leave their wives. It is too complicated and expensive. Most would rather continue the affair and enjoy the 'thrill' of secret (and free) sex on the side. I went to SAA for awhile, and most married men admitted that. They became 'addicted' to the illicit sex and many came to the meetings because they were caught by their wives and/or wanted to heal their marriages.
Honestly, he's done you a favor by showing his true colors -- now you can move on, in a healthier direction!
HaveFaith
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Post by Xena Warrior Princess on Feb 13, 2018 16:29:42 GMT -8
Yes. I believe this. I am glad the choice was taken away. Today, I have been feeling rather vulnerable. My job ended today, two days early. Still will get paid for the two days though. I loved working with substance use clients. The dysfunction and extreme paperwork at the former agency where I worked finally burned me out. However, God wanted me there for a reason. I was able to heal along with my clients, so I worked with recovery every day. I do not want to contact the PoA in my vulnerability. I am where I am Supposed to be today. I have been exhausted for a very long time.
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Post by Xena Warrior Princess on Feb 14, 2018 15:46:40 GMT -8
Yesterday was my last day of employment at a substance abuse outpatient treatment.Frankly, I have never learned so much about myself. I will always be grateful for the opportunity. I feel better today because the job was so overwhelming with the paperwork. God taught me the lessons I needed to learn and then move on to another adventure! I would like to do hospice work. No contact from the SW. PTL
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Post by Xena Warrior Princess on Feb 17, 2018 5:08:06 GMT -8
I realize that I am still allowing the PoA to live rent free in my head and it is keeping the obsession alive. I haven't physically contacted him, but I also know the sickness is cunning, baffling and powerful. It has been 3 weeks.
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Post by miriam on Jan 4, 2020 16:29:40 GMT -8
This article was so so enlightening. I've recently broken up a very similar relationship, but I couldn't imagine that there were such behavioral patterns. Thank you for sharing, it has really been life changing.
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Post by A. Love Addict, MD on Apr 22, 2021 12:02:25 GMT -8
Hi, just started looking at this thread and realized I have been attracted to seductive withholders (some were also narcissists love bombing me then discarding me, repeat...). The latest one took me by surprise because he is so calm and good natured that I enjoyed his drama-free ways, and never feared him. I hadn’t trusted men for a long time because of my other qualifiers lies, cheating and raging. This last one hurt because he got involved with a high drama women with lots of issues and it is “magic” to him...red flags were like a “go”. He has never “felt like this before”.
That’s how I felt about my husband and I get it, but can see he is hooked on the dysfunction and thinking he can help so I am now just a friend. So much for the healthy relationship I thought we were building (now that I’m getting healthier), but it is closer than I’ve been before! At least he is a friend and is honest with me, unlike someone I married. I just need to make better choices and trust myself and my judgment again. Red flags must stop being a “go” for me as well.
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,080
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Post by RoseNadler on Apr 22, 2021 13:21:34 GMT -8
Are you new here? We’re glad you’re here - this is probably the best site ever for recovery, if you have a pattern of painful relationships. You sound like you already have a lot of self-awareness.
When and if you feel able to do so, please check out the Newcomers board, and tell us more about yourself. And read some of the other peoples’ stories. You are not alone!
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 22, 2021 17:56:53 GMT -8
Welcome . . .  |
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