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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 7, 2018 9:31:32 GMT -8
Before recovery, I was a relationship junkie. I never dated in high school so when I met Rudy I got involved before I knew he was abusive. After he left me I went from man to man so I did not have to be alone. I even neglected my children for my boyfriends. In recovery, I dated for years and never met anyone. So I moved on to teaching and raising my children. I was single for 16 years and really happy before I finally found healthy love at the age of 56. My partner died and I was single again for 4 years before I met Frank. I am not advocating being single, I am trying to point out that it is not the end of the world and it is better than ending up with the wrong person. I tell my students that they should a create a wonderful life for themselves before they look for someone so that they are complete whether they are single or not. Make peace with whatever situation you are in.
Being Single Is It Really a Fate Worse Than Death?
"Naturally, how one hates to think of oneself alone. How one avoids it. It seems to imply rejection or unpopularity. An early wallflower panic still clings to the world. One will be left, one fears, sitting in a straight-backed chair alone, while the popular girls are already chosen and spinning around the dance floor with their hot-palmed partners. We seem so frightened today of being alone that we never let it happen...When the noise stops there is no inner music to take its place. We must re-learn to be alone." (Ann Morrow Lindbergh in Women and Solitude) For most love addicts, being single is something to be avoided at all costs. They cling to the idea that being in an intimate relationship is more important than life itself. Being single almost terrifies them because they equate it with agonizing loneliness and deprivation. Love addicts in recovery must have a change of attitude about being single. They must accept the fact that being without a partner is not a fate worse than death. It has its advantages and disadvantages, just like a relationship, and there are times in life when it is inevitable. Having a positive attitude about being single accomplishes several things. First of all, it allows love addicts to be comfortable when there is no one "special" in their lives. Being alone is not painful for them; it is a time of cherished solitude. Also, by accepting their single status gracefully, love addicts in recovery experience an inner confidence that actually goes a long way toward attracting the kind of emotionally stable people they might like to become involved with. Furthermore, being content to be single allows recovering love addicts to be discriminating in their choice of a partner. They can afford to be choosey, for the first time in their lives, because being in a relationship is just an option, not a life or death matter. Finally, being satisfied with their single status makes it easier for love addicts to be patient. There is no deadline to meet, no need to frantically pursue a potential partner as if time were running out. If they are progressing in their recovery, love addicts should be experiencing a boost in self-esteem. This, along with spirituality, should reduce their dislike and fear of being alone, and make it easier for them to adopt a positive attitude about not having a partner. This is the trick. There must be a change in attitude or values. This does not mean recovering love addicts have to be overjoyed about being single. I am talking about acceptance, not overwhelming enthusiasm. It is just important to consistently look at the bright side until this positive attitude is well entrenched in the love addict's psyche. This will then subdue the voice that wails, "You're nobody till somebody loves you." Please note that I am not trying to establish a case for or against being single. It is just important for recovering love addicts to be comfortable with both situations. Then they can flow contentedly with life instead of frantically trying to control it. www.thefix.com/living-sober/being-single-it-fate-worse-deathExcerpt from Addiction to Love
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 15, 2018 16:37:29 GMT -8
When I was single I always wanted to be in a relationship. When I had a partner I always wanted to be single. I could never make up my mind. Finally I realized I was actually ambivalent and didn't know what I wanted.
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Post by paisley on Feb 16, 2018 8:25:19 GMT -8
I’m definitely behaving as a seductive withholder towards my most recent boyfriend. I’m not sure I have incest (overt, covert or emotional) in my childhood though. I had a violent father, but neither parent elevated me to a partner status. I was neglected more than anything. Ex boyfriend came along and the attention was very flattering but I just wasn’t sure (he was freshly divorced when we met). It wasn’t until other gals showed him affection that I started to question my own attraction towards him. He was available and we started something up after about a year, but I was incredibly emotionally vulnerable due to a trauma and I kept wondering if that was our bond. I pushed him away multiple times. The last time he told me he wanted the whole nine yards, commitment, monogamy, marriage, all that. I said I wasn’t ready for all that. He started pursuing others and I got angry, making demands that he only focus on me, accusing him of complicating my life unnecessarily (even though I chose to be intimate and initiated it). I broke it off “for good” but now I see him falling for someone else and I want him back so bad it hurts! And I told him all this! Now I want the whole nine yards with him, marriage, monogamy, commitment, etc. He says no, he’s sticking with the relationship he’s in. Who could blame him? But dang, now I’m holding a torch. I seem to have my behaviors and emotions under control for now, but I REALLY want to stop doing this. 
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 16, 2018 10:44:15 GMT -8
If he were the right one he would be available now that you are. He must have just been a teacher and nothing more. Now that you know what you want God will provide a suitable mate. Almost all love addicts are really ambivalent. To a degree I still am. But I made a commitment to Frank and I so love him so I hang in there and he hangs in there when I push him away. Now that you are ready for someone read A Fine Romance by Judith Sills.
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Post by paisley on Feb 16, 2018 11:19:21 GMT -8
Thank you. I have that book and have been reading it.
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Post by loveelleng on Jun 7, 2019 19:49:40 GMT -8
When I was single I always wanted to be in a relationship. When I had a partner I always wanted to be single. I could never make up my mind. Finally I realized I was actually ambivalent and didn't know what I wanted. hhahahhahha
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edie
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by edie on Jul 4, 2019 14:09:37 GMT -8
That is interesting about love addicts being ambivalent. I can see that in me. When I was young I always ran away, even from good men, especially when they got serious and wanted to get married, etc. Then I was a single parent and therefore less desirable, so I switched from being dumper to dumpee and also chose/attracted problematic men.
As for the topic--being single:
Sometimes I've been single for years at a time, and it was okay. But I always felt that being in a relationship was my true destiny.
The relationships never worked out and I kept applying the lessons I thought I'd learned: no more widowers, no alcoholics, no living together unless married, etc., etc. But there was always a new problem lying in wait, something I had never dreamed of, or something I didn't realize would pose a problem.
Now I'm age 66 and have just ended a relationship with a very nice man who (in my opinion) has undiagnosed mental problems that made our relationship untenable. I feel like I've reached the end of the line! I've been through so many men and situations.
Now I'm living close to nature, doing things I enjoy, spending time with a variety of people. (I'm an introvert, so not too much time with people!) And helping others when I can.
At the same time, I'm beginning to have a better understanding of my own part in relationship failures. Not just choosing the wrong people, but also my own impatience, stonewalling, and meanness. This is all 4th Step stuff.
So is it a coincidence that I'm enjoying being single now that I'm looking at some uncomfortable truths about myself? I guess it all comes back to what we hear again and again: Happiness is an inside job, we can't expect a relationship to fill a void inside ourselves, and so on.
I guess I just wasn't ready to let go and embrace these words of wisdom before.
Thanks for reading.
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Post by chewbacca980 on Jul 25, 2019 12:45:32 GMT -8
i'm definitely relationship junkie. since my first girlfriend i was hooked.
there was major difference between being kissed without consent (which is what girls were doing all time to me) and being able to kiss with consent. a world of difference. it felt like i was actually being engaged and asked to collaborate.
and i think it's that creative impulse that kept making me think i needed another to feel safe. but i am getting better about loving myself in solitude.
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Post by BunnyEars on Aug 8, 2019 6:21:07 GMT -8
I really struggle with this one. I'm not emotionally or geographically close to any family, I am definitely an introvert who needs a lot of deep conversation and quality one-on-one time to stay engaged. This means I maintain just a few close friendships rather than a large social network. I do not aspire to the cult of "busyness" and often have time on my hands I wish I was spending with someone special.
Some say, if you want a partner, you're supposed to make space for them. So I keep an empty closet waiting where someone can keep a few clothes, there's an extra toothbrush (still packaged) waiting in my bathroom.
Others say, you're supposed to keep busy and have a "full life" so you don't even notice your lack of a partner. I struggle with this one, if I'm going to do anything, I want it to feel meanful to me. I'm lucky that I like my work, it isn't long hours, and I have a couple of things, volunteer work and a writer's group, weekly, but there's still a lot of alone time for me. Now, I love some alone time. But sometimes (especially this time of year when work is slow) I have more than I'm comfortable with.
I often feel very, very lonely, and "dating" fills the void. You get one on one facetime and conversation, and sometimes sex (yay!), so I often "date" people I know it would be untenable to spend my life with.
Granted, I'm happier now than I was towards the end of my marriage to a workaholic drug addict. But I have no desire to stay single. It's been 5 years, and I've had relationships, but no one anywhere near 2nd marriage material. I feel same as Edie stated above: "The relationships never worked out and I kept applying the lessons I thought I'd learned....But there was always a new problem lying in wait, something I had never dreamed of, or something I didn't realize would pose a problem."
Being single isn't a fate worth than death, but it does make me feel like a crucial element to fulfillment is missing, and it's rather beyond my control. All I can do is try to be my best self and keep my heart open and try to meet people and date anyone who holds some promise. Being single is frustrating when it isn't what you want.
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Post by sexlessw on Aug 8, 2019 11:42:14 GMT -8
BunnyEars:
Right here: " Being single is frustrating when it isn't what you want." That is the core of the argument, to my eyes.
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hideaway
New Member
Well I just tried to listen to a podcast with Pia Mellody speaker. I will never do that again..
Posts: 22
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Post by hideaway on Aug 3, 2021 16:36:51 GMT -8
Not certain if anyone has been on here for awhile. I'll write and hope someone can listen. When I was a kid I knew my parents didn't really want myself or my younger sister. The oldest is the only one they wanted. So all my life I waited to find someone to love and to love me. It is my prerequisite to Love Addiction.
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,068
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Post by RoseNadler on Aug 4, 2021 7:38:21 GMT -8
That’s interesting. I felt unwanted and neglected as a child. My younger brother had some problems that were overwhelming for my parents for several years, and I think I got some collateral damage from that. And even as a child, I obsessed about finding Mr. Right someday - who would love me even though I felt neglected by my family, and disliked and bullied by many of my peers.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 4, 2021 10:57:10 GMT -8
That’s interesting. I felt unwanted and neglected as a child. My younger brother had some problems that were overwhelming for my parents for several years, and I think I got some collateral damage from that. And even as a child, I obsessed about finding Mr. Right someday - who would love me even though I felt neglected by my family, and disliked and bullied by many of my peers. A family crisis is an overlooked form of childhood trauma. This happened in my family when I was about 10. My brother died. My father lost his job. My sister was molested by the neighborhood boys. We did not sit down and have a family meeting. I did not know my sister was in trouble and so I was jealous of the extra attention she got. It was chaos and the confusion led me to isolate in my bedroom reading romantic novels and obsessing about a guy in my sixth grade class. This ultimately became the origins of my love addiction.
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