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Post by stillhurting on Feb 10, 2018 19:32:44 GMT -8
I can identify with this torchbearer LA description. I spent 2 years trying to get my POA to reciprocate my love. I participated in all sorts of things I didn't want to and am embarrassed to admit. I was just another conquest to him. He is a narcissist & sex addict & I'm an empath..bad mix. So after a year of NC I still think about "maybe one day". I know I shouldn't be listening to love songs but I do & they bring all my feelings to the surface. I think about him every night laying in bed. I fantasize that it is him when my husband and I are intimate. And it makes me cry everytime. I stare at his picture. I search online to see if he's moved or has a new job. I feel hopeless that this will ever end. I don't want to live this way. I give only a small part of myself to my family because I'm in my head with POA all the time. I think about how maybe someday he will realize that my love was real & he will want me. It feels like a waiting game. But intellectually I know it's not real & not only will it never happen, but it was and would be so toxic. I feel such a pull to this man. I feel like it's about him..that this wouldn't possibly happen with anyone else. And it does make me feel like I don't want to live anymore sometimes because I can't envision an end to this. I stick around for my kids only. I don't know what to do to stop this.
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Post by annebelle on Mar 8, 2018 5:35:14 GMT -8
I'm a torchbearer too and it is, like, THE WORST. I can sympathize with intellectually knowing that you wouldn't be happy with someone, knowing that the relationship wouldn't be healthy, but still being emotionally drawn to them.
I don't have much advice, except maybe loosen up on listening to love songs or looking him up. I also know that behavior change is hard, so this might be like asking you to jump over the moon. But any moment of not cyberstalking or googling is a small victory.
I'm mainly reaching out to let you know that you are not alone. Be well.
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Post by paisley on Mar 8, 2018 8:31:00 GMT -8
Have you tried meditation? That seems to help me somewhat but I have a long way to go with learning how to quiet my mind.
Really, all these thoughts are illusions and the illusions are running the show right now.
Learning to meditate, and learning to identify or label my thoughts as they pop up is helping me step outside of those thoughts and understand they are separate from me and not real.
It also helped to realize that my fantasizing is a coping mechanism left over from my traumatic childhood. Reality was too painful so I soothed myself with fantasies of perfect parents, a perfect family, and later on it turned to fantasies of a perfect boyfriend.
I never realized how damaging this fantasizing could be until I realized it had developed into an obsession. For me, it could be OCD as the obsessions are relieved by compulsive actions like texting, manipulation, or otherwise acting out to try and force someone to change his mind about me.
As a torchbearer, I can suffer excruciating cravings and withdrawal pains any time. Quieting my mind and separating myself from these thoughts seems to be the only relief.
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Post by paisley on Mar 8, 2018 8:38:37 GMT -8
I also feel I need a substitute for behaviors I want to cut out. So to stop listening to love songs, maybe replace with audio books about something you want to learn, or start exploring instrumental music. Maybe make a challenge for yourself to learn more about classical music, chant, etc.
To stop fantasizing at night, maybe replace it with a wind down regimine that involves reading a book (not a romance novel) or listening to pod casts about current events, or something technical that interests you. Maybe meditation before bed would be a good idea too. Maybe reading about how to meditate could be a start.
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Post by paisley on Mar 8, 2018 8:44:40 GMT -8
I must agree that the love songs are torchure. Right now I can’t listen to my iTunes because almost every song is somehow about unrequited love or not getting what you want. When POA and I were talking last week, I kept having to advance to the next song because it was hitting too close to home and at one point we both said “seriously?” because every song was like a dang soundtrack to the current situation.
I then started listening more to the radio instead of my songs, and it was just as bad. It’s our culture. We’ve been well groomed to be addicted to people and substances and seek relief and validation outside of ourselves.
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Post by zaralie on Mar 23, 2018 8:40:59 GMT -8
I also feel I need a substitute for behaviors I want to cut out. So to stop listening to love songs, maybe replace with audio books about something you want to learn, or start exploring instrumental music. Maybe make a challenge for yourself to learn more about classical music, chant, etc. To stop fantasizing at night, maybe replace it with a wind down regimine that involves reading a book (not a romance novel) or listening to pod casts about current events, or something technical that interests you. Maybe meditation before bed would be a good idea too. Maybe reading about how to meditate could be a start. meditation can really help a lot! I used to meditate a lot 2 years ago and might start again as I'm way more balanced |
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Post by stillhurting on Mar 30, 2018 16:16:49 GMT -8
I have tried meditation. And I have recently started reading before bed..that seems to help the nighttime fantasizing a lot.
I still once in awhile am looking him up online. It's so obssessive. I do not, however, drive by his place or frequent places I know he could be. In fact, I avoid them because I have been having panic attacks at times in situations like that.
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