I "fall in love" a lot. Even now while I am in a relationship. Even now when I know it's just fantasy and addiction. Even now when I know that I'm just trying to fill what I have long perceived as a hole. It's an addiction that fills a need. And I am still only slowly learning better ways to fill the need.
I have posted the details of my story elsewhere here if you'd like more information on specifics. This is to talk about being a love addicted male more so than just a love addicted person.
I don't talk about this aspect of my life much with my male friends. Most don't relate. And I admit being uncomfortable about the "girlishness" of it. In popular culture as I grew up, there were many depictions of women exhibiting behaviors like this, but not much talk about guys being this way.
I have made a lot of progress in dealing with both the underlying causes and underlying needs and I have learned a lot about myself, but I am not cured. The behavior returned as recently as two weeks ago. I still haven't had "the talk" with my current girlfriend about where we are and if we're headed anywhere. And because of this sometimes I question my "manliness".
But one thing I know that a man is supposed to persevere. So I keep working on it.
This is my first time to write on this site. I have found Susan's book on love addiction (and equally as powerful her allegory "Where Love Abides" ) very helpful in understanding and taking steps to recover from my love addiction.
My present relationship and my repeating painful patterns of making a woman my higher power and drug has become more painful than past relationships (a progressive disease. The pain has gotten so great I finally reached out and called Susan about a week ago. Weve had two counseling sessions this past week which have been very helpful. She has encouraged me to write something to other men that also suffer with love addiction. I am so grateful to hear other MEN open up about this painful addiction. Thank you for reading my entry .. I look forward to sharing and connecting with other male love addicts
Thanks for your quick response... yes, I believe too that there are LOTS of men love addicts... but the the SLAA meeting in my are (almost entirely men) is mostly about sex addiction (at least on the surface.... If I listen deeply and I often hear love addiction) but it is mostly about sex addiction. If you hear a frustration and longing to connect and share with men about love addiction, you hear correctly
Ive stopped going to SLAA for this reason. Now I go to CODA (which the meetings in my area are 99.9% women) ONE time a man came but he was silent,and ACA (which does have men in the meetings) has no meetings in my area ...I go twice a year to a weekend ACA retreat that is co-ed which is wonderful!
The PAIN of this addiction is hard, and how it prevents me from having a healthy and whole intimate relationship is growing as I get older. The woman I'm in a relationship with has stopped being sexual. She says she doesnt feel sexual right now, and she also says she not sure right now. It's been about 7 weeks since she withdrew from being romantic. She is not sure I am someone she can have a committed intimate relationship with (OUCH!)
Last night after a counseling session with Susan she suggested I read in her book the section on spirituality. I edited it and made it into a prayer....
"May this obsession with romantic love and intimacy dissipate in my life. May I become more interested in other forms of sustaining Love, along with a new love of my higher power. May I become more interested in helping others in a non-codependent way (brotherly love). May I discover the warmth of friendship (platonic love.) May I allow my love for parents children and siblings Blossom (familial love) and may I begin to love myself in ways that I never have before. May my values change and may I see the world with new eyes. May I come to understand that romantic love is not everything ... it is not an obsession. It is just one of life's many ways to experience love. This is a crucial step in my spiritual growth and recovery.
I say this "prayer" for myself and all love addicts who make another person their higher power.
Thanks for reading ...I look forward to hearing more about you.
Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 4, 2017 9:48:19 GMT -8
I read this Jake and had a good cry. Your honesty inspired me and will inspire others. I pray that this thread grows and men can understand that here they have a new home. SLAA is not for love addicts as they claim. The sex addicts have taken over. This is why I created LAA as God asked me to do. We will be 13 years old on September 12 they day after 911. The country rose up out of the ashes and so do we. Love addiction is not going to win. We have each other to fight back.
Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 4, 2017 10:55:58 GMT -8
The Great Adventure
Started out this morning in the usual way Chasing thoughts inside my head of all I had to do today Another time around the circle try to make it better than the last I opened up my journal and I read about me Said I'd been a prisoner and God's grace had set me free.
And somewhere between the pages it hit me like a lightning bolt I saw a big frontier in front of me and I heard somebody say "let's go"! Saddle up your horses we've got a trail to blaze Through the wild blue yonder of God's amazing grace Let's follow our leader into the glorious unknown.
This is a life like no other -- this is The Great Adventure Come on get ready for the ride of your life Gonna leave long faced religion in a cloud of dust behind And discover all the new horizons just waiting to be explored This is what we were created for.
We'll travel over, over mountains so high We'll go through valleys below Still through it all we'll find that This is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see The love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams Yeah... oh saddle up your horses... come on get ready to ride.