Post by Annebelle on May 6, 2018 13:22:55 GMT -8
I was hoping to do one step per month since I started in January, but it looks like doing an inventory will take a bit longer.
One thing I am realizing is that I've never been possessive when it comes to relationships. I've seen that behavior in other people and I'm able to recognize that it's toxic. I'm not the type of person who can jump from one relationship to the next. My main problem is I live in my head so much.
I'll start posting a little bit now. More to come later.
Part 1: What You Want to Discard or Change
I can't think of many relationship-specific resentments, except that I wish my mom had been less controlling about my and my sister's appearance when we were little.
I watched my mom try to get the attention of a man who just was never attracted to her, and I resent having that model because nowadays I regularly and routinely crush on unavailable dudes.
I resent being constantly told "let love come to you" because it told me to be passive when it comes to finding a mate, and has let me settle in my most recent relationships.
I resent never learning how to present my best self, because that's what people are attracted to: confidence.
I resent my mom using me as a sounding board for her unhappy marriage; i very clearly remember her saying one time, "There are some days when I wake up and wish I'd never gotten married."
I resent not learning how to speak up for myself. Story: I've always wanted to learn French, and I constantly tried to teach myself. My parents, mostly my dad, insisted that Spanish is more useful so that's what I took in middle and high school. In college, I wanted to carve my own path and told my mom "I'm want to take French, I'm the one choosing classes" to which my dad chimed in (without knowing what we were talking about): "And we're the ones paying for it". I carrried this longing and resentment of not doing what I wanted for years. I confronted my dad about it some time later, and he was alarmed that he'd said that, and acknowledged "That was wrong." He also acknowledged that we ("we" being our immediate family) have a hard time speaking up for what we want. For what it's worth, when I saw a medium she told me my Throat Chakra was in need of a lot of healing.
I resent how seemingly effortless it was for my PoA and his wife to find love. She was on a dating website for around a month before she messaged him. They had a quick courtship; they met in the summer, got engaged Christmas Eve of that year, and were married next November. I've heard her say how lucky she is, that she was never expecting to find him. I also know she has little dating experience, and she's really picky about guys. Yes, I'm 100% aware that putting their relationship and marriage on a pedestal doesn't help me.
I resent them not knowing how I really feel. I just have so much to say. Obviously, I had an unreasonable crush on him and tried to freaking not have a crush on him. After I met her, I eventually saw her as a friend, and was so happy and thankful to have met her and become more rational. I miss them and would like a normal friendship someday, but I feel so disposable to them.
I resent my addiction. Why can't I be normal like everyone else?
My resentments affect me today because I've struggled with depression in high school, and nowadays I have really bad anxiety; some days I truly wish said anxiety would revert back to depression. I have transferred these emotions at work places. I'm mortified by how I've behaved. I don't think I know how to completely leave personal life at home. My resentments have totally eaten away my self-esteem. I want to be normal and get my addictions in check and that's why recovery is such a central part of my life right now. A part of me used to be very cynical about relationships. Thankfully, I've had several interactions that reassure me that a normal relationship is possible someday. I just wish things would change over night.