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Torn
Aug 20, 2018 13:45:39 GMT -8
via mobile
Post by MsLearning on Aug 20, 2018 13:45:39 GMT -8
Hi all. I realized I should have created a new thread for this so here we go...I'm feeling really torn. I feel like part of me is overreacting because my x didn't beat me up. Over six years there was the occasional slap, breaking of things, but I grew up with real violence and I know the difference. It doesn't justify what happened, but I don't know. There was verbal, physical, digital abuse, but part of me thinks I deserved that. Like if only I was a better partner, more adult, more together, he wouldn't have always been so upset with me. My step father told me when I was young, he said, I've grounded you, I've tried taking things away, I've tried taking nice to you. He said he didn't know what else to do but slap me. Maybe that's how I learned to respond. Like I'm only doing all the dishes, coming, cleaning etc. out of fear. Yes some of it was because I wanted to make my partner happy. But I want it to not be fear based. I need to retain my brain... How?
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Living Wise (Codepnomore)
New Member
Life is what you make it. So give it your best shot. We only live once. -Codepnomore
Posts: 25
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Torn
Aug 23, 2018 12:47:01 GMT -8
Post by Living Wise (Codepnomore) on Aug 23, 2018 12:47:01 GMT -8
Welcome MsLearning, I could not imagine how wounded you are growing up in a dysfunctional environment. So your idea of love and relationship got distorted. Your self-esteem is badly damaged. Your identity got lost. It’s sad that your step dad becomes your “imago”. Your model. Your definition of who you are. But this is not how God wanted you to be. He created you in his image. Not to be abused but to be loved and cared. You can start by surrendering everything to God who loves you and surround yourself with new, healthy people. It’s never too late to start loving and taking care of yourself. You can listen and read positive books, podcasts. Make a list of all powerful quotations and meditate on them. Learn new uplifting words to use to yourself. For example, each day, list down at least five good words to describe yourself while looking at yourself in the mirror. Then, do at least one good thing to yourself daily. For example, have a massage or manicure. Read or watch something that interest you. Treat yourself for a healthy snack. Things that make you feel good about yourself. Remember, real love drives out all fear and love builds you up and not tearing you down. |
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Post by Butterflygirl on Aug 31, 2018 9:13:22 GMT -8
Guilt is why I stayed in a domestic violence situation. I didn't want to abandon my abuser because I loved him and felt sorry for him. He played on this. When I finally left he texted me and said, "You abandoned me." The truth is I ABANDONED MYSELF by staying with him for so long. Now I am free and in deep withdrawal. But I am safe and that feels good. One day at a time I will heal.
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Torn
Sept 8, 2018 22:24:38 GMT -8
via mobile
Post by MsLearning on Sept 8, 2018 22:24:38 GMT -8
Thanks everyone. I appreciate your input. I have a lot of learning to do.
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Post by paisley on Sept 20, 2018 10:28:16 GMT -8
I was with an abusive guy in my 20s. I stayed because I put his feelings above my own. It reached a point where he bought a gun and threatened to kill me. I still didn’t leave. I told a friend who literally removed me from the situation one night while we knew he’d be gone.
Even after I was gone, he’d come to my work threatening me and trying to extort money. The police were of no help (I was viewed as a wild woman who brought it upon herself) and why I continued to engage him is still baffling to me. Only months later did I find out he knocked up another gal while we were together.
So I allowed a lying, cheating abusive loser into my life. Today it seems impossible, but it is my past.
It took a long time to get past that...and on the bright side, each subsequent relationship was better than the one before so we can learn to love ourselves.
A friend and I were talking about how a guy we know can’t get a relationship going and it may be in part because it’s obvious he doesn’t care for himself (dirty nails, not clean shaven, very untidy). My friend said “it’s apparent he lacks self care”. I think people can sense this, even if we are otherwise “clean” or neat in appearance if we’re always apologizing, or putting off other signals that we don’t love ourselves. Healthy people don’t get too close , but predators and abusers are drawn to it. It sounds cliche and overly simple, but you really do have to love yourself 1st...if a healthy loving relationship is your goal.
My guy today is certainly flawed, but I can say with no doubt he’s kind and loving. There’s no way I could “make him” hit me, no matter how poorly I acted. He’d try to reason with me or he’d leave me (as he should) if I ever drove him to violence or abuse. At this point I wouldn’t associate with anyone who didn’t value themselves enough to refuse a relationship that volatile. An assault charge is a life destroyer. Living with abuse is like showing the world (or at least that person) your dirty nails.
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