Post by paisley on Aug 30, 2018 18:01:08 GMT -8
I'll paste some of my journal posts here since this relationship has seemed to have become healthy and loving. It did not start off perfect, for sure...six months ago I basically made demands as far as him breaking up with a gal he was dating and being with me instead. I was a mess during that time. It took a lot of work to finally let go, but as soon as I did he came around.
It has been about 2.5 years since I met him. Off and on as far as dating...he wanted a relationship, I resisted but then realized that I would never find love if I didn't make myself available to do so. Notice I said "do". Really I had to choose, and I had been avoiding that my whole life. I always wanted a man to come to me. Grand gestures were a major bonus. If I could push him away and he still did everything in his power to woo me, I'm walking on clouds. So I left myself at the mercy of those who were drawn to me...and I had to reject, which I was horrible at doing. When it came to men in general, I failed to show interest. It's like I didn't know how unless I was driven by lust and then acted foolish or I attracted men who were emotionally stunted themselves.
I wasn't making choices based on weighing the evidence and matching the guy up to my values and preferences. Until I decided to do so...and decided to look for a guy with my values, who wanted to do the same things I like to do, who was KIND and patient with me...then I realized he was right under my nose and had been for two years (except he had just started dating someone else and didn't want to break up with her in favor of playing my games)..but then he came back and it's just getting stronger every day. My friends are all on board with it now...they appreciate him and are happy for us.
I guess it's been 6 months now...we are on track to live together (basically already do) and he's been the most patient, loving, caring person EVER in my life...which is why I say he's my first love. And I am not a young woman. I didn't know romantic love before...I have loved and I've been loved, but all my past romances have been unhealthy in pretty major ways. This is the first relationship where I haven't felt I needed to get out more than I needed to stay on a day to day basis. I don't fret and I'm not sitting around second guessing my decision to be with him. It's pretty cool.
Here's the journal posts from like 6 months ago:
We’ll see how it goes. I know this first phase is the “honeymoon” period and I’m riding the happy wave of being chosen, etc. Except there’s really no “high” or giddiness on my part. Just calm. I feel like I’m letting go of the outcome. We’re busy making plans, working out, trying to be healthy. Getting lots of love and well wishes from some friends, but I know some may not be happy for us. Some prefer me single. That’s OK. I’m ready for the dynamic to change and I’m ready to be a little more domestic. I also see my hesitation in the past stems from the thought of “something better” being just around the corner. I project this onto men and criticize them for the same behavior. I plan to catch myself when having these thoughts in the future.
Still disappointed with my childish reactions to the whole situation. Especially after hearing a bit about how mature and kind this gal was when they broke up. Maybe I can take a lesson from that and aim to do better going forward.
paisley
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Mar 21, 2018 at 9:25am via mobile havefaith likes this QuoteEditlikePost Options Post by paisley on Mar 21, 2018 at 9:25am
Things are going well so far. Just trying to enjoy things and live life. There’s really not a big change day to day. People are already used to seeing us out together. We haven’t spent a night apart yet, and I have felt the smothered feeling creeping up a couple of times, but mostly it’s been relaxing and nice.
A guy asked me out and I sent a message stating I hope to see him around but I’m not interested in dating since I’m seeing someone. It felt automatic and right to do so. In the past my ambivalence would have me wondering about other possibilities.
Interesting.
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Jun 5, 2018 at 10:13pm QuoteEditlikePost Options Post by paisley on Jun 5, 2018 at 10:13pm
Still going well. In fact it seems to be getting better. I feel a genuine love for him. I know with no doubt it's reciprocated. He's very good at expressing love and affection. I think my "love language" is acts of service and he delivers big time. I've made a point to be loving and patient in return and at times I'm gushing over with warm feelings for him. I want to cook for him, share meals, do the day to day stuff. We're doing it and have fallen into somewhat of a routine together whereby we are together just about every day. I've taken a trip without him. He has his music that takes him away a couple of nights a week leaving me alone to hang with friends or have some alone time. We hang out with friends together also. But day to day, he comes "home" to me. There's no question about it.
I remember one of my concerns being that I would be giving up something by being in a relationship. Perhaps I'd get invited to fewer things. The opposite has happened. We are having to pick and choose things to do because we have so many choices. It also feels as if I've developed more friendships with women and men who are in relationships too. Like maybe these friendships that were off limits before are now more safe and appropriate, I don't know. Regardless it's pretty dang good right now.
We have had a few disagreements but they're rare. I don't think about getting out of the relationship or second guess it. That's actually kind of new for me...I don't think I've ever been so OK with such a decision.
Sure it started out bumpy and emotional and I really don't like how I handled all this and how I tried to control things, but here I am and it's nice.
I feel protective of it, like I want to preserve it. He seems to feel the same...he was reading a book on relationships the other day. Says he wants to do what he can to have a good, healthy relationship. He also wants to get married some day.
It seems like we're a good match...all flawed and stuff. He seems to do well with my brand of crazy. I'm learning to deal with a mere mortal who is not perfect.
I make little gestures to show I care and appreciate him and he responds beautifully every time. He loves the "quality time" and displays of affection. The more he responds with such appreciation and love, the more I want to give.
Another one of my sabotaging thoughts was that there's something "better" out there. Well, the really cute, successful guy I've been crushing on before came around a few weeks ago, not knowing my situation...telling me he was tied up before (I know his ex wife was back in his house) but that now he's got time/availability. I started down the "what if" path...but then corrected myself. I just told myself I didn't need to know "what if" and I let it go. It was kind of a relief. Haven't seen him since. I don't want to be in that spot anymore...wondering if a guy likes me, getting to know him and not knowing when/if we'll hit our deal breaker. I've known C for over two years...there is more to learn, of course, but I KNOW him and I KNOW his feelings and I KNOW my feelings. It really makes no sense to keep looking for something that I already have.
It has been about 2.5 years since I met him. Off and on as far as dating...he wanted a relationship, I resisted but then realized that I would never find love if I didn't make myself available to do so. Notice I said "do". Really I had to choose, and I had been avoiding that my whole life. I always wanted a man to come to me. Grand gestures were a major bonus. If I could push him away and he still did everything in his power to woo me, I'm walking on clouds. So I left myself at the mercy of those who were drawn to me...and I had to reject, which I was horrible at doing. When it came to men in general, I failed to show interest. It's like I didn't know how unless I was driven by lust and then acted foolish or I attracted men who were emotionally stunted themselves.
I wasn't making choices based on weighing the evidence and matching the guy up to my values and preferences. Until I decided to do so...and decided to look for a guy with my values, who wanted to do the same things I like to do, who was KIND and patient with me...then I realized he was right under my nose and had been for two years (except he had just started dating someone else and didn't want to break up with her in favor of playing my games)..but then he came back and it's just getting stronger every day. My friends are all on board with it now...they appreciate him and are happy for us.
I guess it's been 6 months now...we are on track to live together (basically already do) and he's been the most patient, loving, caring person EVER in my life...which is why I say he's my first love. And I am not a young woman. I didn't know romantic love before...I have loved and I've been loved, but all my past romances have been unhealthy in pretty major ways. This is the first relationship where I haven't felt I needed to get out more than I needed to stay on a day to day basis. I don't fret and I'm not sitting around second guessing my decision to be with him. It's pretty cool.
Here's the journal posts from like 6 months ago:
We’ll see how it goes. I know this first phase is the “honeymoon” period and I’m riding the happy wave of being chosen, etc. Except there’s really no “high” or giddiness on my part. Just calm. I feel like I’m letting go of the outcome. We’re busy making plans, working out, trying to be healthy. Getting lots of love and well wishes from some friends, but I know some may not be happy for us. Some prefer me single. That’s OK. I’m ready for the dynamic to change and I’m ready to be a little more domestic. I also see my hesitation in the past stems from the thought of “something better” being just around the corner. I project this onto men and criticize them for the same behavior. I plan to catch myself when having these thoughts in the future.
Still disappointed with my childish reactions to the whole situation. Especially after hearing a bit about how mature and kind this gal was when they broke up. Maybe I can take a lesson from that and aim to do better going forward.
paisley
Senior Member
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paisley Avatar
Posts: 353Female
Member is Online
Mar 21, 2018 at 9:25am via mobile havefaith likes this QuoteEditlikePost Options Post by paisley on Mar 21, 2018 at 9:25am
Things are going well so far. Just trying to enjoy things and live life. There’s really not a big change day to day. People are already used to seeing us out together. We haven’t spent a night apart yet, and I have felt the smothered feeling creeping up a couple of times, but mostly it’s been relaxing and nice.
A guy asked me out and I sent a message stating I hope to see him around but I’m not interested in dating since I’m seeing someone. It felt automatic and right to do so. In the past my ambivalence would have me wondering about other possibilities.
Interesting.
paisley
Senior Member
****
paisley Avatar
Posts: 353Female
Member is Online
Jun 5, 2018 at 10:13pm QuoteEditlikePost Options Post by paisley on Jun 5, 2018 at 10:13pm
Still going well. In fact it seems to be getting better. I feel a genuine love for him. I know with no doubt it's reciprocated. He's very good at expressing love and affection. I think my "love language" is acts of service and he delivers big time. I've made a point to be loving and patient in return and at times I'm gushing over with warm feelings for him. I want to cook for him, share meals, do the day to day stuff. We're doing it and have fallen into somewhat of a routine together whereby we are together just about every day. I've taken a trip without him. He has his music that takes him away a couple of nights a week leaving me alone to hang with friends or have some alone time. We hang out with friends together also. But day to day, he comes "home" to me. There's no question about it.
I remember one of my concerns being that I would be giving up something by being in a relationship. Perhaps I'd get invited to fewer things. The opposite has happened. We are having to pick and choose things to do because we have so many choices. It also feels as if I've developed more friendships with women and men who are in relationships too. Like maybe these friendships that were off limits before are now more safe and appropriate, I don't know. Regardless it's pretty dang good right now.
We have had a few disagreements but they're rare. I don't think about getting out of the relationship or second guess it. That's actually kind of new for me...I don't think I've ever been so OK with such a decision.
Sure it started out bumpy and emotional and I really don't like how I handled all this and how I tried to control things, but here I am and it's nice.
I feel protective of it, like I want to preserve it. He seems to feel the same...he was reading a book on relationships the other day. Says he wants to do what he can to have a good, healthy relationship. He also wants to get married some day.
It seems like we're a good match...all flawed and stuff. He seems to do well with my brand of crazy. I'm learning to deal with a mere mortal who is not perfect.
I make little gestures to show I care and appreciate him and he responds beautifully every time. He loves the "quality time" and displays of affection. The more he responds with such appreciation and love, the more I want to give.
Another one of my sabotaging thoughts was that there's something "better" out there. Well, the really cute, successful guy I've been crushing on before came around a few weeks ago, not knowing my situation...telling me he was tied up before (I know his ex wife was back in his house) but that now he's got time/availability. I started down the "what if" path...but then corrected myself. I just told myself I didn't need to know "what if" and I let it go. It was kind of a relief. Haven't seen him since. I don't want to be in that spot anymore...wondering if a guy likes me, getting to know him and not knowing when/if we'll hit our deal breaker. I've known C for over two years...there is more to learn, of course, but I KNOW him and I KNOW his feelings and I KNOW my feelings. It really makes no sense to keep looking for something that I already have.
