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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 27, 2018 11:22:31 GMT -8
I'm not "in recovery" so to speak, I never worked the steps, but I've done lots of therapy and self-help reading, and really worked on my life. My pattern is obsessing over emotionally unavailable women, or settling for emotionally immature men. Right now, I'm doing neither.
I've finally managed to get to a place where I've attracted, and am attracted to, a woman who seems to be healthy and emotionally available. I met her through a mutual good friend. First we hung out several times, then we started hooking up. We've been spending 4 or 5 nights a week together for about a month. I know that's not long, but I'm a middle aged queer woman, and my kind tend to bring UHAUL's on the 2nd date. She and I have already met most of each other's friends, seen each other's apartments, she keeps a toothbrush and phone charger at my place. We had a brief relationship status talk, deciding we don't like the label "girlfriend," but we are, basically. Neither of us is interested in seeing anyone else.
New girlfriend is definitely neither NPD or BPD (my last two girlfriends were one of each.) Nor is she a bisexual who would rather be with a man, like most of the girls I've obsessed over in my life. So far, she seems attentive, generous, open-minded, easygoing, and though she's 12 years younger than me, she's a grown woman with a good job and no addictions or mental illnesses. So you can see why I'd be terrified, lol.
I'm trying to move at a comfortable pace, and I don't want to create drama because of the demons in my head. Honestly, I would feel disrespectful burdening this patient, generous woman with being my Person Of Addiction. I'm having a hard time relaxing. Where is the line between normal thinking about the other person all the time, and obsessing? Is it ok that we can't keep our hands off each other, or is it toxic? It's frustrating that I feel like I'm walking through landmines just to have a relationship. I mean, I'm handling it, I'm being honest with her, and myself, even when it's hard. I've used my boundaries, and saw her respect them, and I've respected hers, I think. It's good, but also scary as heck. Can anyone here relate?
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 27, 2018 13:34:31 GMT -8
I'm not "in recovery" so to speak, I never worked the steps, but I've done lots of therapy and self-help reading, and really worked on my life.
The steps are only one way to reach recovery just like Christianity is only one way to God. Recovery is more a state of mind. It is when you are always willing to work a program and are in the processing of changing no matter how long it is takings. Some of us go in and out of remission but as long as we are moving forward and making progress we are in recovery. We also must be proud of ourselves for the progress we have made and not minimize it. Celebrate your progress!!!! I started out with a Thanksgiving meeting of O.A. Now I have 36 years of sobriety. I started out with a entry in my journal and now I have four published books. God is good. |
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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 28, 2018 13:57:26 GMT -8
Well, I'm an atheist, lol, but I get what you're saying. There's lots of ways to achieve truth and happiness. 4 published books is indeed an impressive achievement, congrats!
Here's the sort of challenge I'm up against: The girlfriend and I spent a day and night apart and I was fine, but by the evening of the 2nd day, when we hadn't made plans to see each other again, I started feeling very anxious and agitated. I went to dinner with friends, and tried very hard to be "present" with them, but I couldn't shake the itch that I "needed" to be with her. So I texted her if I could come over after dinner and spend the night. She said of course, so I finished up my dinner and drinks with friends, then went to her. I wasn't a huge bundle of need once I got there, didn't need to have sex or deep conversations. I felt calm and at peace in her presence while she watched t.v. and I read.
But if she had decided she wanted to be alone that night, I'd have spun out some. I would have had to do lots of self soothing and back-talking my own feelings of rejection and agitation. I might have withdrawn a little emotionally, not intentionally but for self-protection. Thing is, there's been nights when I wanted to be alone, and told her so, and she respected me and didn't pull back hard at all. I want to be "chill" like that.
I am hoping this gets easier the longer I succeed.
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l8dyc
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Post by l8dyc on Nov 29, 2018 23:07:14 GMT -8
I don’t want to be with anyone because I like to cheat and will hurt him if I stay and cheat.
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Post by BunnyEars on Dec 1, 2018 6:13:25 GMT -8
I don’t want to be with anyone because I like to cheat and will hurt him if I stay and cheat.
That's a tough one, L8dyc.
I tend to let my partners know immediately that I eschew monogamy as a concept. I've never "cheated," I've instead chosen partners who were comfortable with open relationships and polyamorous ones. I don't ever want to have to blow up my life because someone expected monogamy forever, while I like the rules a little looser. I talked to my new girlfriend about it, openly and honestly, and she's not repulsed by the concept of a non-monogamous relationship, though she herself is a one-woman only kind of girl.
Thing is, she's so interesting to me right now I have no desire for anyone else. All I want to do right now put all my focus into building something meaningful with her. Whatever happens, I want my relationship structure to be a choice. I don't want to be monogamous just because that's what society says you're "supposed" to do, nor do I intend to act on my sexual impulses if it's going to ruin a great relationship. I think the trick is to stay open and honest with myself and my partner, make no promises I can't keep, and of course, first and foremost, Do No Harm.
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Post by paisley on Dec 4, 2018 10:40:38 GMT -8
Hi BunnyEars:
I think it’s normal to feel uncertainty in the beginning phases of a relationship because it is, indeed uncertain.
It takes a long time to get to know someone well and develop trust.
In the past I would look towards my partner as a “savior” or someone who made me complete so I routinely had those feelings of need and great disappointment when he couldn’t, or didn’t want to fill that role.
I recommend having passions and interests outside of the relationship (which I’m sure you already do) and then recognizing those fears when they creep up and examine where they might be coming from.
For me, it was a huge fear of abandonment left over from a traumatic childhood. It makes sense that I got a “life or death” type reaction as a child when my parents failed me, but there was no place in adult relationships for this kind of fear and it took years to work through this.
I’m no where near perfect, but I have a relationship that works well for me.
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Post by BunnyEars on Dec 5, 2018 6:24:00 GMT -8
For me, it was a huge fear of abandonment left over from a traumatic childhood. It makes sense that I got a “life or death” type reaction as a child when my parents failed me, but there was no place in adult relationships for this kind of fear and it took years to work through this. Sure. My childhood was a study in benign neglect, and later my 16-year marriage to my cocaine-addict ex-husband often mirrored that, as did my last long-term relationship with a very mentally ill young woman.
So far, my new girlfriend has been nothing but present, attentive, and responsive to my needs. She's not bogged down in her own addictions or mental illnesses and her calm, strong, focus on me feels like stepping into a warm bath on a cool day. If I'm feeling any kind of anxiety or insecurity, it certainly isn't because of her behavior. It makes me want to bring my best self to the table.
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Post by paisley on Dec 6, 2018 8:56:27 GMT -8
Sounds like a good start so far! I also believe that a good match with someone means that they have an understanding or patience when it comes to our issues. For example, your seemingly misplaced anxiety or insecurity. I think it’s great to want to step up your game and be a good partner, trying not to sabotage when you find someone who is showing you the qualities you desire in a mate - but don’t worry too much about messing it up because a good match for you will accept you as-is with those insecurities, anxiety, etc. Not that you need to dump a heavy emotional burden on her right out of the gate - but I always say my boyfriend is a great match in part because he can handle my particular brand of crazy. What may scare another guy off (my obsessing or occasional need to be reassured) is really no big deal for him. Likewise, none of his many flaws are dealbreakers for me.  |
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l8dyc
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Post by l8dyc on Dec 6, 2018 9:12:39 GMT -8
That’s why I don’t get too serious too soon because it gives me the option to decide for myself if it’s worth even me getting into. Also, to give me my space. It usually gives me a better perspective on the whole relationship.
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Post by BunnyEars on Dec 19, 2018 10:58:58 GMT -8
My new girlfriend sometimes gets "resting b***h face," which I often misread as coldness. Sometimes, when she gets this look I ask her if she's mad or disappointed with me. Last night, I was tired from work, had a little wine in me, and she got that distant expression, and I started with the "What's wrong? Are you mad at me?" She assured me all was well, and even offered me sex. At first, I accepted, and we went into the bedroom, but then I realized I felt too disconnected and confused, and I called it off rather abruptly. Then, I had a minor meltdown involving a trembling lip and a few shed tears, and a mild asthma attack requiring a puff of medication.
This is exactly the sort of thing I don't want to do anymore. I'm sure this was no fun for my lady friend, and certainly didn't make me feel good. She reassured me she wasn't thinking anything negative about me when her expression went stony, but I already knew that. My intellect knows she cares for me, but my emotions see that neutral expression, and I get triggered or something. She kept saying, "I don't know what you want from me."
I want you to keep throwing love into a black hole, basically, in the hope that you might fill it.
I tried to explain it without belaboring the situation, but I felt ashamed of being so fragile. At least I was ok by the time we fell asleep, and I was careful to be bright and chipper this morning.
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