Post by RoseNadler on May 2, 2019 11:09:54 GMT -8
Right now I’m feeling very anxious and needy and clingy about my boyfriend, L. I’m afraid I love him more than he loves me. I’m afraid I ruined our relationship because a few years ago we went through a bad time and I handled it very badly.
No matter what he gives me, I want more. This morning he gave me a very loving look and said I looked nice. I was happy about that, but now I want him to hold me close to him and tell me he loves me. And I’m wondering - if he did that, would I be content - or would I want even more?
When we agreed to try our relationship again, I didn’t expect things to happen overnight. But it’s so hard to wait for him to be at the same place where I am.
If I ruined this relationship, that will be my punishment for the rest of my life. I’m not young anymore; and even if somebody else wanted me someday - I probably wouldn’t want them. I’m in love with L. There’s no one else for me. I can no longer just be with any man, for the sake of being in a relationship. (When I was younger, I did that, and it was terrible.)
And I’m scared to be alone for the rest of my life. I lived alone for four years until about a month ago. At first it was sort of fun. Over time, it got bad. By the end of that time, I was terrified and I thought I was going crazy. I’m in an occupation where I sometimes have gaps in employment. What if I lose a job again? Being a woman alone is no joke when you’re unemployed. My father would help me, but he’s not going to live forever; he’s almost 80.
If L changes his mind about us, I’ll be alone. If I lose another job, I could be out on the streets. And I can’t live alone anymore; I just can’t. The last time I did that, I had panic attacks several times a week. Best case scenario, if L dumped me, I could try to find a roommate. But who the hell has a roommate when they’re 55 years old?
Living alone was so bad this last time, I never want to do it again.
No matter what he gives me, I want more. This morning he gave me a very loving look and said I looked nice. I was happy about that, but now I want him to hold me close to him and tell me he loves me. And I’m wondering - if he did that, would I be content - or would I want even more?
When we agreed to try our relationship again, I didn’t expect things to happen overnight. But it’s so hard to wait for him to be at the same place where I am.
If I ruined this relationship, that will be my punishment for the rest of my life. I’m not young anymore; and even if somebody else wanted me someday - I probably wouldn’t want them. I’m in love with L. There’s no one else for me. I can no longer just be with any man, for the sake of being in a relationship. (When I was younger, I did that, and it was terrible.)
And I’m scared to be alone for the rest of my life. I lived alone for four years until about a month ago. At first it was sort of fun. Over time, it got bad. By the end of that time, I was terrified and I thought I was going crazy. I’m in an occupation where I sometimes have gaps in employment. What if I lose a job again? Being a woman alone is no joke when you’re unemployed. My father would help me, but he’s not going to live forever; he’s almost 80.
If L changes his mind about us, I’ll be alone. If I lose another job, I could be out on the streets. And I can’t live alone anymore; I just can’t. The last time I did that, I had panic attacks several times a week. Best case scenario, if L dumped me, I could try to find a roommate. But who the hell has a roommate when they’re 55 years old?
Living alone was so bad this last time, I never want to do it again.