Post by sexlessw on May 12, 2019 11:34:31 GMT -8
This is from Howard M. Halpern's book, When - and Why - Love Doesn't Work. How to Break Your Addiction to a Person . There are two places in the book where he describes doing the chart. He suggests figuring out your childhood family dynamic AFTER you have done the relationship chart, but I am going to place that information first. However, if you feel you wish to do the adult relationship chart first, yes - do it! There's no "correct way" to do your OWN recovery work.
Page 57, Chapter "You Are My Security Blanket". [much of this is paraphrased] If you were raised by a single parent, perhaps there are other things that you could ask. Or if you were raised in a non traditional home too.
Look at your early family relationships, because chances are you are repeating some unfinished business from that part of your life. It is useful to examine what some of the basic interactions in your family were. Explore some of the following questions such as:
Who was the boss?
Did one parent love the other more?
What ways did each of your parents use to get what they wanted from each other - and you?
Did you feel each parent loved you?
Did one parent love you more?
Did you love one parent more?
Which parent made you feel good about yourself?
Which parent made you feel bad about yourself?
How did you try to get love, attention, emotional support?
How did you avoid the anger of each?
Use these questions to stimulate your thinking and ask yourself any other questions that occur to you. Explore as deeply as you can those earliest patterns of interaction.
Pages 56 Chapter "You Are My Security Blanket" and pages 184-185 Chapter "Addiction Breaking Techniques: The Uses of Writing" [Although Dr. Halpern says to focus mainly on "Romantic Attachment", I found these patterns throughout non-romantic attachments to friends and co-workers and even supervisors on the job.]
To begin the Relationship Review, list the names of each person with whom you have had a romantic attachment, going as far back as you can.
Write down the Physical Attributes of each. Height. Build. Hair color, length and consistency (curly, straight, bald). Thin. Fat. Athletic. Not so athletic. I will add family placement - only, eldest, middle or last born in the family of origin.
There well be a pattern because most people have physical preferences to those they are attracted to. They may not know it, but writing it all out helps to identify those physical attributes you are attracted, even subconsciously to. The question is whether these physical preferences have been so strong as to block you from seeing the person's other characteristics accurately.
Write down next the Personality Characteristics of each person on your list.
What do you feel is the most striking feature of his personality?
What adjectives best describe him: introverted? Extroverted? Passive? Active? Warm? Cold? Intimate? Distant? Self confident? Self effacing? Successful? Ineffectual? Hearty of health? Frail of health? Independent? Dependent? Mean? Kind? Submissive? Aggressive?
Did your view of his personality change from the early days of the relationship until later on? If so, how soon did you really have indications that all was not what it seemed?
Repeated Patterns of Interaction with which you have been involved. Under the name of each person with whom you have had a relationship, write the answers to questions such as these:
1. Exactly how did the relationship start? Who was the instigator? Who pursued?
2. Was one of you more dominant? Who seemed to control when and where you would get together? How would you spend your time?
3. What was the emotional tone of the relationship FOR YOU? Loving? Angry? Romantic? Desperate?
4. Emotionally did you get your needs satisfied?
5. What was the sexual aspect like? Were you happy with it? Unhappy? Disappointed? Delighted? Angry?
6. Who seemed more in love and committed?
7. How did the relationship end? Who ended it? Why? What were the feelings of each of you about its ending? [REALLY IMPORTANT POINT]
9. What feelings were you left with?
10. In a cost/benefit analysis, was what you were getting worth the price?
Are the patterns of these past relationships similar to the attachment you now feel you should end? If they are, then it would seem that a self-defeating pattern is present and IS BEING REPEATED in the CURRENT relationship.
Page 57, Chapter "You Are My Security Blanket". [much of this is paraphrased] If you were raised by a single parent, perhaps there are other things that you could ask. Or if you were raised in a non traditional home too.
Look at your early family relationships, because chances are you are repeating some unfinished business from that part of your life. It is useful to examine what some of the basic interactions in your family were. Explore some of the following questions such as:
Who was the boss?
Did one parent love the other more?
What ways did each of your parents use to get what they wanted from each other - and you?
Did you feel each parent loved you?
Did one parent love you more?
Did you love one parent more?
Which parent made you feel good about yourself?
Which parent made you feel bad about yourself?
How did you try to get love, attention, emotional support?
How did you avoid the anger of each?
Use these questions to stimulate your thinking and ask yourself any other questions that occur to you. Explore as deeply as you can those earliest patterns of interaction.
Pages 56 Chapter "You Are My Security Blanket" and pages 184-185 Chapter "Addiction Breaking Techniques: The Uses of Writing" [Although Dr. Halpern says to focus mainly on "Romantic Attachment", I found these patterns throughout non-romantic attachments to friends and co-workers and even supervisors on the job.]
To begin the Relationship Review, list the names of each person with whom you have had a romantic attachment, going as far back as you can.
Write down the Physical Attributes of each. Height. Build. Hair color, length and consistency (curly, straight, bald). Thin. Fat. Athletic. Not so athletic. I will add family placement - only, eldest, middle or last born in the family of origin.
There well be a pattern because most people have physical preferences to those they are attracted to. They may not know it, but writing it all out helps to identify those physical attributes you are attracted, even subconsciously to. The question is whether these physical preferences have been so strong as to block you from seeing the person's other characteristics accurately.
Write down next the Personality Characteristics of each person on your list.
What do you feel is the most striking feature of his personality?
What adjectives best describe him: introverted? Extroverted? Passive? Active? Warm? Cold? Intimate? Distant? Self confident? Self effacing? Successful? Ineffectual? Hearty of health? Frail of health? Independent? Dependent? Mean? Kind? Submissive? Aggressive?
Did your view of his personality change from the early days of the relationship until later on? If so, how soon did you really have indications that all was not what it seemed?
Repeated Patterns of Interaction with which you have been involved. Under the name of each person with whom you have had a relationship, write the answers to questions such as these:
1. Exactly how did the relationship start? Who was the instigator? Who pursued?
2. Was one of you more dominant? Who seemed to control when and where you would get together? How would you spend your time?
3. What was the emotional tone of the relationship FOR YOU? Loving? Angry? Romantic? Desperate?
4. Emotionally did you get your needs satisfied?
5. What was the sexual aspect like? Were you happy with it? Unhappy? Disappointed? Delighted? Angry?
6. Who seemed more in love and committed?
7. How did the relationship end? Who ended it? Why? What were the feelings of each of you about its ending? [REALLY IMPORTANT POINT]
9. What feelings were you left with?
10. In a cost/benefit analysis, was what you were getting worth the price?
Are the patterns of these past relationships similar to the attachment you now feel you should end? If they are, then it would seem that a self-defeating pattern is present and IS BEING REPEATED in the CURRENT relationship.
