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Post by koji on May 19, 2019 8:04:11 GMT -8
I had hated to be alone. So I got married. I thought I should have got married before 30. My bro was schizo. I thought I had to get married and show my chidren to my parents. My bro couldn’t have his family. When my parents took me somewhere like travel, my bro was never there with us. I was so lonely and sad at home when I was a teenager. That’s why after I got my job, I thought I had to have my owm family. My parents were happy with my showing them my kids to them. However, after almost 30 years marriage life, I decided to leave my family, my home. I live alone now. Why? Even if I got my own family, I was always sad. In the end, I was addicted to talk to other women. Next, I was into having sex with one of them. I devoted myself into making the woman happy no matter how I was stressed out. I had to please the woman to keep myself in peace. I don’t know why. I tried to have my family to avoid saddness, loneliness. Now, I left my family. I left my home. I am alone now. Why? What do I want?
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RoseNadler
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Posts: 1,099
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Why
May 19, 2019 16:26:13 GMT -8
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Post by RoseNadler on May 19, 2019 16:26:13 GMT -8
It sounds like there was pain in your family when you were a child, and your relationships since then have been part of an effort to compensate for that. It takes us all a long time to find out that this doesn’t work.
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Why
May 20, 2019 14:47:23 GMT -8
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Post by Sexlessw on May 20, 2019 14:47:23 GMT -8
Koji:
Were you doing what was EXPECTED of you by your family? From your post, it appears that way to me. Basically, you family wanted you to follow the LIFE SCRIPT. I reckon you did not have a say in the matter. Cultural expectations are hard to defy.
I sense that you feel guilty that, after 30 years it was time for you to leave. Perhaps you didn't feel a deep connection to your wife. Or after the children became adults, there wasn't anything keeping you and she together.
You can have been married 5 times and had 14 children, but you can still feel lonely. Nobody but you can fill that "lonely" void. I used to think if I ran off with my OM things would be great in my life. It wasn't until I stepped away from the relationship I realized I had to fix me because he had his own situation to fix. I was enough for myself.
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Post by koji on May 20, 2019 20:06:49 GMT -8
I think I have been looking for “mom” who comforts me anytime. Even if the woman, my ex PoA, was cold and never comforted me, I tried my best to satisfy the woman because I believed someday the woman would make me happy in the end if I kept being a hard worker for the woman. I didn’t get anything from her at last. I myself should have comforted myself not by masturbation but by something that would make me happy in the long run. “The something” is the key for my life.
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Why
May 21, 2019 3:35:29 GMT -8
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Post by Sexlessw on May 21, 2019 3:35:29 GMT -8
Koji:
The internal "mother" longing. You figure if you keep giving, giving, giving, the woman will reciprocate and give back what you need. Unfortunately, no matter how much you give, are kind, will do everything for, you cannot change a person. If a person is not emotionally giving, that is who they are. It's tough to accept, but once you accept you CANNOT CHANGE anybody but YOURSELF life gets easier.
The "Something" you seek is still there in you - it's always been there, now comes the difficult excavation work of locating it.
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Post by koji on May 21, 2019 6:29:17 GMT -8
I know the trigger of this addiction is tough work. The pressure of my work has made me stressed out and I needed comfort. I looked for the comfort outside. I believed I would get comfort from women.
To avoid the stress is one way of recoveries. Taking a rest and sleeping well are needed to keep healthy mentally. Moreover, something interesting is needed too. It will be helpful to forget work. Probably, my self-esteem is low now. That’s why I have cared about esteem by others at work. My boss, of course. I worked hard to get acknowledgement r from my boss. If I can’t get it, I feel so down. My feeling, fear and happiness have been up to esteem by others. If my boss yelled at me, I would also yell at myself in my mind. This was the way I was. It’s so hard to stay happy if I give someone else the right to esteem myself. Now, I try to feel happy by myself.
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Post by koji on May 22, 2019 15:02:27 GMT -8
No matter how hard I work, as long as I need to care about my boss’s esteem on me, there is no assurance that I feel happy with my work. Job is indispensible but not all of my life. It’s just a method to earn money.
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Why
May 24, 2019 3:26:48 GMT -8
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Post by Sexlessw on May 24, 2019 3:26:48 GMT -8
Koji:
It sounds like you are stuck in job hell. Years ago I remember seeing a sticker: "I Thought I wanted a Career. It Turns Out I Just Wanted a PAYCHECK." Not to bring your situation down to a saying on a sticker. But it reminds me that for many of us, the paycheck is what funds our lifestyle, and we become embedded with that paycheck and what the lifestyle says about us.
Imagine that your boss has HIS boss putting pressure on him. Maybe that is his situation; I don't know. However, HIS boss berates him, so he gets anxious and takes his anxiety on you. It's a trickle down process.
I would also ask, do you want to be your boss in the end? If his job suddenly became available, would you want his position?
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Post by koji on May 24, 2019 6:24:34 GMT -8
I never want to be like my boss. He changes mind quicky after his boss scolds him. His mind seems twisted. He is capable. But I don’t like him.
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Why
May 25, 2019 2:38:53 GMT -8
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Post by Sexlessw on May 25, 2019 2:38:53 GMT -8
Koji:
Oh HECK NO do you want to be like your boss. NO. You don't *have* to be "like" him. Nor do you have to "like" him AT ALL.
My question was "Do you want to be your boss?" was directed about income. It was also asked because with his job comes those responsibilities he has. Ugh.
Also, take a step back and put things in HIS perspective. Yes, I know one of those things that is difficult to do. Think of how HIS boss treats him, hoovers over him, berates him and tells him, "GET THOSE WORKERS IN LINE OR I'LL HAVE YOUR JOB!" I can imagine your boss, if he isn't a psychopath or narcissist or sociopath (or all of the above - ha ha ha) has his bad days - and takes it out on you.
Just my opinion.
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Post by koji on May 26, 2019 19:57:06 GMT -8
To avoid withdrawal, feeling lonely, sad, depressed, I’ve tried to find something. Going out to hike, listening to good music at a jazz cafe, learning traditional Japanese poem. I can forget bad feelings while doing those things. I can enjoy and relax too. However, I still feel depressed at home alone. What to do at home alone matters to me now.
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Why
May 27, 2019 3:32:44 GMT -8
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Post by Sexlessw on May 27, 2019 3:32:44 GMT -8
Koji:
Now, that is fascinating to me - learning traditional Japanese poems. Do you recite the poetry or is this something you write out? The other things you do are fantastic too.
Being at home alone - I understand that sadness too. You are slowly making progress on that. How many hours are you "home alone"?
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Post by koji on May 27, 2019 15:17:34 GMT -8
Koji: Now, that is fascinating to me - learning traditional Japanese poems. Do you recite the poetry or is this something you write out? The other things you do are fantastic too. Being at home alone - I understand that sadness too. You are slowly making progress on that. How many hours are you "home alone"? The saddest time is from Saturday dinner to Sunday breakfast. I don’t know what to do that time. I understand that’s why I used to have connection to my PoAs. I could forget the sadness while talking to or seeing them. |
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Why
May 28, 2019 9:37:18 GMT -8
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Post by Sexlessw on May 28, 2019 9:37:18 GMT -8
Koji:
The Saturday evening - Sunday morning is your "there is nothing I feel like doing" time.
Have you ever just sat with the feelings and did nothing? Just been still?
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Post by koji on May 29, 2019 14:10:09 GMT -8
When I am alone at home, I watch TV. Mentalist. Madam Secretary. ER. It’s interesting but I think it’s a waste of time. I have to see blood on these programs. I can’t relax.
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Why
May 30, 2019 3:33:31 GMT -8
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Post by Sexlessw on May 30, 2019 3:33:31 GMT -8
Koji:
This may amuse you, but that's one of my suggestions when you have that extra time like you do, the Saturday dinner - Sunday morning lull. That's what got me through my 1st NC period with my OM (followed by the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc period of NC): binge watching, after my work out and work, lots and lots of TV shows. So what if Madam Secretary, ER, The Mentalist or whatever else is available is "a waste of time". It keeps your mind OFF your other issues - or should I say - diverts your attention. It's better than sitting fretting.
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Post by koji on Jun 2, 2019 2:18:29 GMT -8
Recovery from LA is freedom from women? If I don’t need any relationship anymore, the day would be my recovery day. Actually, living alone is comfortable while it’s sometimes lonely. If I live with someone, I have to explain to the person each time I go out alone to see a mental doctor, to visit my favorite cafe, to take a walk if I live together with someone. I find many fascinating women in the street. I am interested in them but that’s all. I think it would be better for me to talk about my interest with women without any sexual interest in them. I love music, traveling and so on. Friendship is first and if it’s last too, it’s okay. What is the meaning of having my own family? I don’t know yet.
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Post by koji on Jul 10, 2019 14:49:30 GMT -8
I have strong sex desire. When it is satisfied, I can relax. My anxiety disappear for the momemt.
They say loving themselves is important and the first step to recover from LA.
If I have sex with someone as one night stand, this means I satisfy my desire. It seems that I care for myself.
Is it wrong?
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Why
Jul 10, 2019 17:36:46 GMT -8
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Post by Namaste on Jul 10, 2019 17:36:46 GMT -8
I have strong sex desire. When it is satisfied, I can relax. My anxiety disappear for the momemt. They say loving themselves is important and the first step to recover from LA. If I have sex with someone as one night stand, this means I satisfy my desire. It seems that I care for myself. Is it wrong? This is just my opinion. Orgasms relax you. I did it as a child to get relief from leg cramps. I masturbated. I would rather masturbate than have sex outside of a relationship. |
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Why
Jul 10, 2019 18:51:09 GMT -8
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Post by Havefaith on Jul 10, 2019 18:51:09 GMT -8
Yes, it is wrong. To use someone for gratuitous sexual gratification is an empty and amoral pursuit.
It is as fulfilling as getting a hit from a drug. Except people are not drugs.
To use others for one's gratification? No. No. No. It reduces people to objects for the user's gratification. It does not take into account people's hearts, minds and souls.
Think - Harvey Weinstein or Jeffrey Epstein or Larry Nassar.
HaveFaitth
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Post by koji on Jul 11, 2019 15:37:36 GMT -8
In terms of ethics, I can’t tell anything about my recent life. I’ve had affairs. I have lied. I have hurt people. They would say how wrong and selfish I have been.
Now, I still try to think of myself. In the name of recovery from LA, I try to care for myself more than ever. Thinking of what I want, how to be healthy, how to cope with the stress are what to do for now. I believe that I have not cared about those things so far. I have cared about my PoA more.
The above sounds so selfish and hipocrisy to me.
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Why
Jul 11, 2019 15:51:30 GMT -8
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Post by Sexlessw on Jul 11, 2019 15:51:30 GMT -8
Koji:
Many people have had affairs, lied and hurt people. I would be one of those people. You are not alone with that. Don't worry about what OTHERS are thinking about you. What matters is that you are actively changing yourself.
What happened is in the past. It can't be changed. All you have is RIGHT now - the present.
FWIW it's not wrong to masturbate. Don't feel guilty about doing that. Something has to give and masturbation is a release.
Think of all the time you've spent thinking about PoAs your entire life. It can get you down. Now, think of the times that RIGHT NOW you can think about YOUR needs and how you are working RIGHT NOW on yourself.
I see you're posting tonight - so you are engaging with somebody outside of the PoA and without yourself. Soon it will be Saturday and perhaps you can go to the jazz club.
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Post by koji on Jul 17, 2019 5:27:13 GMT -8
My mental doctor says don’t feel sorry or guilty. I think he is not judgmental as his profession. This is a bad example but he said if I want paradise with women, he would help. He sounds extreme.
I don’t want something like that but when I keep refraining from alcohol, sex, delicious food, I think I would be depressed.
I know I have to have “clean” pleasure. I have been used to “dirty” pleasures in a meaning.
It takes time to change myself.
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Post by koji on Sept 2, 2019 12:45:25 GMT -8
I think that I have been cold to people even to my family except to my PoA.
I think that I don’t know how to “love” people.
I think that I didn’t have the feeling to be loved by my parents.
I think that this is why I don’t know how to love myself.
This is why I can’t love people except my PoA. This might be wrong. The way I think that I love my PoA is not loving but satisfying her needs.
Friendship is based on love. I think so.
I want friends. Then I should do something to love people and myself.
It’s too late to find out this but I can start anytime.
Now do I know how to love someone?
I will try.
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Why
Sept 5, 2019 13:46:21 GMT -8
Post by Sexlessw on Sept 5, 2019 13:46:21 GMT -8
Koji:
Have you written any of this out for yourself? Make a guidepost for yourself?
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“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it elsewhere." Buddha