RoseNadler
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Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,068
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Post by RoseNadler on May 23, 2019 1:56:12 GMT -8
I’ve been a lot better for about the past two weeks. Yesterday, though, the anxiety nibbled around the edges of my mind. I still don’t fully trust my mind not to do bad things to me. I still don’t fully trust life not to do bad things to me.
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Post by sexlessw on May 23, 2019 3:39:32 GMT -8
LostKate(s2bFoundKate):
Hey, I was thinking about you these past few days. I figured 1) you were FULLY EMPLOYED at the FABULOUS new job and honestly didn't have time to keep posting and 2) things were going better for you on this front.
The anxiety you feel/have WILL NOT DISAPPEAR in two weeks, a month, heck, even a year. How long have you lived thinking in anxious terms? It's got to be a long time - over 30 or 40 years (smack me down if I wrote the length of time down wrong). Now, do you think that after two weeks you'll be calm, not anxious and chasing unicorns (not the Silicon Valley type)? A life time has contributed to where you are now.
HOWEVER the NIBBLE is much, much better than a whole CHOMP eating your mind. You are slowly training your mind/thought processes to RETHINK the anxious thoughts out of your mind. Rationally you know Life isn't going to go smoothly at all times. Yet, when you look around, you are maintaining your relationship with L, reaching out to find help for yourself and maintaining employment for the betterment of your financial outlook. Things are improving FOR YOU.
All we ask of ourselves is ONE TINY step. And you are making TINY STEPS all the time. Keep walking.
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,068
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Post by RoseNadler on May 23, 2019 5:02:31 GMT -8
It’s the beginning of a long weekend off from work. My bf and I will both be off work until next Tuesday.
My anxiety is coming back. It’s not as strong as it was before (so far, no panic attacks) but it’s there.
The past week or so, I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood and my past and how I got to be where I am now. I think that’s supposed to be good, right? But what if it’s triggering my anxiety and addictive tendencies?
I think the prospect of a long weekend at home with my bf, neither of us going to work, is making me anxious. Our relationship is not the same as it used to be. There was a time when a long weekend together with no work would have provoked only feelings of happiness. Now, I feel anxious about it. (Well, I need to remember that repairing this relationship might not be quick and easy.)
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Post by sexlessw on May 24, 2019 2:54:15 GMT -8
lostkate(s2bFoundKate):
TBH the prospect of spending Memorial Day weekend one on one with anybody is enough to get one a bit anxious. It's a break in routine - and going to work regularly is a HUGE routine to break. Is there an expectation you have that things will go poorly with L this weekend? Do you have any plans - like a picnic, going to see a BLOCKBUSTER FILM, a festival or parade? Or, gosh, this is the pits- cleaning the yard or weeding or mowing the lawn? Now yard work is just the funnest activity! (no, for me it's not - but you get my what I'm writing).
If you don't explore and excavate your PAST experiences you cannot move forward. I never tell anybody the excavation process will be easy. Quite the opposite. Keep in mind the past experiences have shaped you into who you are today. You can't CHANGE THEM. Acknowledge what went on, accept it and if it was a poor experience, say to yourself, "The past is past. I cannot change it. Yet, I accept it happened and know how to behave in a better way if something similar happens."
IMO NOT to feel anxious or triggered (maybe not the correct word) when you are reviewing your past would not be the norm.
Tell you what. If you can, put the SELF WORK on the shelf this weekend. Do some things for yourself this weekend apart from L. Or, if he wants to participate, include him. I mean, seeing a BLOCKBUSTER at the theater (!!!!) is such a together thing to do (I write with sarcasm).
Stay strong and focused. You are doing so very well.
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,068
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Post by RoseNadler on May 24, 2019 8:38:04 GMT -8
Thank you so much for answering me. I don’t know if you know it, but your checking up on me is really helping.
The funny thing about me and L - and maybe one reason why we’re good together - is that neither one of us has (historically) been really needy to be together *constantly*. We were both always pretty good about having some separate interests and doing things without the other one.
I’ve just gotten needier in the past 18 months or so. Ever since I realized I wanted us to get back together as a couple.
Neither one of us tends to plan things ahead very much. That’s one of the ways we’re alike, and it can be both good and bad.
I was upset yesterday because I’ve been digging into all these childhood memories, and I think the feelings that got triggered by that, also made me feel needier and clingier with L. I had a crying meltdown by myself. But I took an Ativan and had pulled myself together by the time we were both home from work.
I need to do some household stuff this weekend, and I’m planning to go to the CoDA meeting tomorrow.
And - today, L suggested that we go to the bookstore this afternoon. That may not sound like much to some people. But for us as a couple, hanging out at the bookstore was always a big thing. And we haven’t done it in about a month.
I also think you might be right that I need to (just occasionally) take a little break from recovery work and think about something else...let myself have some fun. I could let myself read some fiction!
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