What would a healthy person do?

My situation with this new woman is making me think of how many other times I've been pursued, and how rarely I'm the pursuer...at least at the start of every relationship. I struggle to say no to people who really want me, even if I don't strongly want them back. If I enjoy someone's company, and they put enough effort in, and they don't falter when I'm not as into as they are, they can almost always seduce me eventually. If someone comes at me with a certain intensity, I mistake their lust for real feelings and I open for them. Then, of course, I get hooked. Their lust fades, my need to be loved and admired doesn't. I need to be careful here that if I move forward with her, it is a "hell yes" on my part, not just me wanting and needing to be desired.

Hiya Sexless,

Now you tell me, lol! Well, I'm still trying to process wtf just happened.

She did the 3 1/2 hour drive, arrived in time for Sunday brunch, we'd been texting A LOT before she arrived.I understood that she was a very intense, focused person who is used to getting what she wants. I also knew I might not be attracted to her physically, though I love her sense of humor and her sharp mind.

About halfway through brunch I realized she was very awkward in public, which is a turn off. She would stare into my eyes nonstop (she has very pretty eyes too, and a cute smile), but she would not look at the host or waitress or the nice old man at the next table who bought our drinks. I was still not feeling physically attracted to her, not her body or her hands or the way she moved. But she flattered the heck out of me, constantly, and also made me laugh and engaged me intellectually. I felt comfortable with her, like we've known each other longer than a week and a few days (the result of all the messaging and videochatting I know) and she said the same. I loved our conversations and the way she made me feel so desirable. I know excessive flattery, from someone who doesn't really know me, isn't real. But my poor bruised ego who had been under the floorboards after getting dumped two months ago suddenly felt lovable again.

So I decided the date could continue, scooter ride along the beach, off to the local butterfly garden. She had a very nice way of touching me on my back or on my hips that I admit turned me on, and her compliments made me feel warm and melty.

This is probably when the date should have ended if I were not a love junkie. Maybe I'm less recovered than I'd thought, I can apparently still falter.

We went back to my place to relax in the A.C.,talk and play a videogame. She confessed she'd been too nervous to sleep the night before, asked to spend the night on my couch instead of making the drive back, especially since we were drinking. Truth was, I didn't want to be alone, and I was enjoying spending time with her, so I consented, though I knew by now she would make a pass at me and I'd probably let her.

I could not seem to come to a solid "hell yes" or "hell no" in regards to getting physical with her. My body wanted it (I have a high libido, always have.) I felt confused and ambivalent, and in my confusion and ambivalence sent her mixed messages which we tried to talk through. We both acknowledged she liked me way more than I liked her back, which made her feel rejected, made me feel guilty, though of course, that's not the sort of thing one can control. At one point, she had me almost in tears because she said "You were a neglected child, so you don't feel comfortable having someone want you with all their being." So true.

But she wanted to show off her massage therapist skills, and gave me a foot and back rub that started to turn into more. I really enjoyed her touch and attention. She said she wanted to date me. I admitted I wasn't feeling romantically attracted to her enough to want that, though I really enjoyed our connection. Then,she told me she wanted me badly, and didn't care if I only wanted her for a friend. She wanted to make love to me, wanted to please me. She begged me, and I consented.

I wanted to be made love to. I wanted someone to adore me, and she did that. I knew it wasn't fair to let her give when I wanted to give nothing in return. She insisted she understood I didn't feel what she was feeling, she said it was ok to just receive pleasure from her, that my pleasure was all she wanted.

I questioned her as to why that was ok. Didn't she know she deserved someone who wholeheartedly wanted her back? I could see that she was broken in some way, and I did not want to do more damage by using her for my own gratification, or letting her use me for her hers. She's had some serious trauma in her life, something about her is "off."

And yet this sexual exchange seemed inevitable, turning it down would be trying to reject something that just WAS. Some part of me stood outside myself and watched and questioned everything and looked upon the whole thing compassionately and fearlessly. We stopped and talked through our feelings a few times in the middle of it all.

So much honesty between us, in a way that was so strange and rare. I'm still trying to process how I feel about all this. She was a very considerate lover. My body responded at moments, shut down at others. I let her have me again in the morning.

She didn't want to leave the next morning, and I didn't have work,and I didn't think I could stand to be alone again after such intense one-on-one time. So I showed her my favorite nature spot for wildlife watching, and then out to lunch. I was still very much enjoying her company, she's really funny and sweet and seemed mostly happy (and a little sad sometimes) in my company. I still could not translate my liking her into a desire to invite her deeper into my life. She kept asking, I kept giving the same answer.

I invited her to come back inside for a bit when she dropped me off, I would have let her have me one more time, in honesty. But she was ready to say goodbye, and after a moment of feeling sad, I felt relieved. Within a couple of hours, I received a barrage of texts blowing up my phone about how she still wanted to be friends and hopefully lovers and she hoped our friendship could someday turn into more. A bouquet of flowers arrived at my door.

As the texts and questions continued, I finally told her she was coming on way too strong,and she really needed to give me space to process the last two days, and not doing so was to her detriment.

Finally, alone in the silence, I'm trying to stop spinning. What a strange and intense encounter! Was it healing in some way for me, or just a cheap high? Did I do any damage to myself or this woman? I need to talk it through with someone (not her,) my besties, maybe a therapist, online. Right this second, I have zero desire to ever see her again, I've gone completely avoidant. On the one hand, I feel strong for having been wholly honest with her throughout the whole thing. On the other hand, I gave into having sex with someone I wasn't into romantically, and I have mixed feelings about that.

I have a lot to think about, but I rather suspect nothing about that was normal.


*Edit, next day:  My bestie says, yes, this woman was coming on too strong and is probably very insecure and is smitten. She also thinks I should keep my mind open and maybe give her another shot. The woman texted me a bit last night, wanted to call me, I said no. She says my friendship is very important to her, and that she rarely trusts anyone, but she trusts me. Idk. Still feeling very, very avoid-y. 

Lol she was lovely with my guinea pig & even talked sweet to my creepy rat and gave her treats. She has a cat, dog, and a conure. For sure kindness to animals is a nonnegotiable for me.

I'm still texting with her. She's a really good texter, funny and quick and insightful. And of course, the compliments keep rolling in. Apparently, I am one of the most gorgeous, sweet, delightful creatures on god's green earth (but I already knew that )

Night before last, she got drunk after a fight with her father, then acted butthurt when I responded minimally to her emotional texts about the situation. I was actually at work, so I decided it best to just not respond for a while. When I got home, I was just like, you're seeing rejection where there isn't any, I was just focused away from my phone. I told her straight out I felt she was projecting and fantasizing and objectifying me, and that wasn't going to work.

I dated a narcissist before, and I can see a few possible tendencies in her, but she seems too obviously insecure to be a narc, she has none of that cool, self-perceived superiority. Borderline--maybe. If so not as bad a case as the borderline woman I was on a roller coaster with for 2 1/2 years. I do feel like she maybe shifts her "self" around to fit whoever she's with.   

I am certain I'm dealing with someone with very, very low self-esteem. Also, she seems to be in transition, having recently suffered a career change due to burnout and moved back in with her parents while she figures out where she wants to live and what she wants to do next. I suspect her lovebombing isn't malicious, or even intentional. I suspect she's just a little lost, plus I truly am cuter, smarter, and kinder than the women she's used to accepting into her life.

Truth is, if she wasn't bringing all this intensity to our interactions, I would have dropped it already. I always joke with my friends how "I lose interest in anyone who doesn't stalk me." But I get very avoid-y if someone seems like they're going to be a drain on me emotionally, financially, or in any other way. I'm done sapping my own energy because my addicted and/or disordered partner is having a self-induced emotional crises (Or as I told her, You fight with your father? Then don't live with your father!) If you don't add value to my life, I will walk away, even if it takes me some time to get there.

I've talked to two of my good friends about the situation,one with a background in psychology and social work. Both said keep my guard up, but keep my heart open. They thought it might be worth seeing her again if I wanted,seeing how I feel upon a second date. Maybe this being our first meeting, and traveling a longish distance, and it amped up her insecurity and my expectations.

I was thinking I don't want her to come here again at this time, instead, I'd like to travel up to where she lives and see her in her element, learn what I can from seeing her pets and her home, etc., though I've told her I don't want to meet friends or family at this time. There's a winery she wants to take me to up there, sounds super fun.

When she's being light and fun and flirty, I really enjoy her. But when she gets all intense and overly sexual and needy, I just go cold. Currently, my plan is to keep talking with her, and if she can manage to not totally turn me off, I will go visit her in two weeks time.

Thoughts?

I can certainly understand feeling desperate for a relationship--I have a bit of that going on myself. It's the one thing really missing from my life, the one problem I cannot seem to solve. Being lonely? I get that too. I'm lonely, always have been. Not close to my FOO, and my friends are great but of course it's not the same as having a family or a partner. 

You know, it also occurs to me that I've replaced brooding about the girlfriend who dumped me a couple of months ago with thinking about this new woman. It's a far nicer problem to have--someone who is TOO into me and I'm not as into her, rather than the pain of rejection which was filling my thoughts before. I do feel sometimes like I'm just leading her on because she fills the emptyness. Then at other times, I really like her. 

Sexless, I hope her bird does sit on my shoulder! How cool would that be? Oh, and he talks!

She keeps telling me, she'll give me space, she'll let me come to her, just know she'll be there when I'm ready. But she doesn't actually give me said space. I do not think she can help herself. The texts feel relentless (I'm not a big phone person) which cause me to say NO when she asks for a phone call or videochat because I'm already burned out on texting her. Luckily, she's entertaining or I would have blocked her already, but she really is smart and funny and I find myself unable to resist reading what she has to say, d**n it.

I asked her today, "Do you have low or high self esteem." She said, "Very high." which surprised me. According to her, I'm the first person who has ever romantically rejected her. I don't know what to make of that. How is that even possible?

She denies that she's objectifying me, but admits to some projection. I told her outright I worried she was lovebombing me. She claimed she didn't know what that meant. Then she talked (texted) long, wordy texts about how she gave too much and felt too intensely and just wanted me to feel special and couldn't I just give her the benefit of the doubt?

I told her today I was feeling overwhelmed by the constant attention, and she promised to cut back, but then send me a bunch of long winded texts trying to excuse and explain and cajole.

I want to be loved so badly. It is painful to keep turning her down. Likewise, I cannot keep acting hot and cold towards her, it's not fair. We both deserve to be excited about the people we're with, and have them be excited about us. It's like I just need a whole different energy, someone way emotionally cooler and less excitable and who talks half as much. She wanted to come down and spend the day with me tomorrow, but I said no, though a part of me really wants that.

I can totally see how lovebombing, intentional or not, creates addiction. I crave and loathe the ping of my phone with her texts. I hate the intense conversations, and I live for them. My confusion and ambivalence makes her come at me even harder, because at moments I give her hope. Ugh. If she'd just chill out, I might actually move towards her!

I've never heard of a cardinal for a pet! What's that like?

Yes, I'm working on setting pace and boundaries so I can feel comfortable engaging with her. Right now she's texting me half as much as before, and we've got a videochat date tonight. I'll see how I feel after that.

Well the texting is still a bit much, but a little better. I'm learning she's a chatterbox, that's just how she is, and she's also using a voice-to-text feature which accounts for the lengths of the texts. I can just ignore her and not feel pressured to actually respond most of the time. I respond to like 1/3 of what she actually sends me.

The videochat was fun actually, light and flirty and she put on makeup like it was a real date.

Since I had to push back going to see her another week (work,) I agreed to let her come see me this sunday. We'll see how that goes.

Not gonna lie, probably will do a sleepover. I really am sick of sleeping alone every night, I actually sleep better with someone beside me.But I just learned she's going to take a job far away for 3 to 6 months, leaving next month. So if we decide to move forward, it'll get a little more complicated. She's already said she wants us to visit each other, and we will remain not-exclusive. We'll see how it all plays out.