RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Aug 6, 2019 6:39:50 GMT -8
It’s been there in the background all this time, and today it’s trying to come up.
I’m having trouble being patient with the slow pace of L’s and my relationship restoration. I know I can’t make things go any faster, but sometimes I really feel the gap in our differing love languages. I want to cuddle and hear love talk. He smiles at me, gets a loving, happy look in his eyes - and helps me find the show I want to watch on TV.
At work, we actually have a deadline for something! That is very unusual at this job. In a way, I’m glad. I do want to know that my work isn’t being totally ignored. But deadlines are an automatic source of anxiety.
I’m trying to do the serenity prayer and turn this stuff over to God, but it’s really hard.
I’m remembering that God already did three huge things for me this year:
1- L agreed that I could move back in and we could try again.
2 - My aunt was able to take my cat in. She’s the best cat person in the world, and I can still see him occasionally.
3 - I got a job with tasks I’m able to do, decent people, health insurance, and an OK salary.
So, I try not to want more. But it’s hard. And all these thoughts bring up feelings of anxiety. My imagination goes into scary “what-ifs.”
I might take an Ativan in a little while. I don’t think I’ve had one since May or June.
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Post by Sexlessw on Aug 7, 2019 3:40:18 GMT -8
lostkate(stbFoundKate):
You're on the right path. Looking at the POSTIVES right off the bat instead of going into former behavior of dealing with the anxiety.
Is the deadline at work over? Did you and your team get it done on time?
I'll ask you a question: would you rather have a SLOW pace of re-establishing your relationship with L or NO relationship with L? Think of where you were last year at this time.
It's natural, IMO, for you to go "what if this happens, what if that happens". Remember to think around the what-ifs.
It's okay to have an Ativan - it's not like you're taking a tablet ever 12 hours for the last 5 years.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Aug 7, 2019 8:15:32 GMT -8
lostkate(stbFoundKate): You're on the right path. Looking at the POSTIVES right off the bat instead of going into former behavior of dealing with the anxiety. Is the deadline at work over? Did you and your team get it done on time? I'll ask you a question: would you rather have a SLOW pace of re-establishing your relationship with L or NO relationship with L? Think of where you were last year at this time. It's natural, IMO, for you to go "what if this happens, what if that happens". Remember to think around the what-ifs. It's okay to have an Ativan - it's not like you're taking a tablet ever 12 hours for the last 5 years. The deadline isn’t over, but that’s a good thing. On the whole, I feel better about it now. I asked my boss some questions about it today, and I feel like I’m making good progress on the assignment. And you are right about the SLOW progress with L being better than NO progress. That thought occurred to me during the day yesterday. I had a realization that in all areas of life, I’m better off than I was six months ago. I posted about that on the gratitude board. |
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Post by Sexlessw on Aug 8, 2019 11:21:33 GMT -8
lostkate(stbFoundKate):
So, you received a bit of clarity about this project from your boss. Fantastic. May I ask what the deadline is for the project? Tomorrow? Next week? I'll be sending you power vibes to tackle and EXCEL at that project! [my projector is ON for you - ho ho ho]
Yes - now see? That is progress - realizing you are feeling better and doing better than you were six months ago. What's that old saying (another one): Progress, not perfection. I like it.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Aug 8, 2019 13:48:00 GMT -8
The deadline is next week.
For the past couple of days I’ve been feeling needy and insecure. I meant to post about this anyway, so....
I’ve gone back and re-read all the articles I’ve saved and notes I’ve taken about this. It makes me feel a lot better to see that this happens to a lot of people; I’m far from the only one.
It makes me feel better that there are things I can do to make myself feel better. So, I go back over some of the techniques I’ve learned about.
I remind myself that this mood doesn’t last forever. Not too long ago I felt pretty good.
I go over my gratitude list for the day.
I talk to my inner child and inner teenager. (I’m beginning to think I *really* need some inner child work. My inner child is a needy, clingy mess. It goes with having an insecure attachment style.)
I don’t look forward to doing inner child work and stirring up more pain and bad feelings. But if it gets too intense, I don’t have to do it forever. And I can get help. Maybe I can do a workshop or find a therapist who does a lot of inner child/anxious attachment work. And I know there are good workbooks out there.
I feel better just typing up this list of things I can do to help myself.
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Post by Sexlessw on Aug 9, 2019 3:34:01 GMT -8
lostkate(stbFoundKate):
It's like when you were (are) learning Photoshop. You had to learn one step before you could go on to the next step. If you didn't understand how to use the first steps, the rest of the project would be faulty. You go back, look deeper at the first steps, say "This is what I didn't understand - now I understand HOW to use this first step" - and apply the re-examined first steps to the NEXT steps.
If you don't have a firm understanding, the rest of the project won't hold together.
What I'm saying is, these past few months you have been re-learning many first steps, fine-tuning them, and MAKING THEM WORK.
I'll rehash my favorite Howard Halpern aphorism: Stop thinking in "infant" time. (You are not thinking in "infant time"). We get stuck in the idea that "this situation is going to last FOREVER and I can't get out of it!" Which, as you know, is infant time. You've passed infancy and are now entering ADULT time, as in "this too shall pass."
No, you are NOT alone - as you found out because (drum roll) YOU DID THE WORK to realize this.
I don't blame you on being apprehensive about starting inner child work. All it takes is a Google search and an Amazon purchase (workbook) to get you started. When you are ready.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Aug 9, 2019 8:29:02 GMT -8
I’ve been scouring the internet for help with obsessive thoughts. That led me to purchase an audio download of hypnosis to check obsessive thoughts. I don’t know if this will work. My dad used hypnosis to stop smoking, and he doesn’t smoke as much as he used to.
Unfortunately, then I went down an internet rabbit hole. Subliminal affirmations. Manifestation of your dreams. Etc.
There’s a side of me that wants to believe these things work, and spend the money.
There’s another side of me that’s skeptical. Hypnosis is a psychological tool that has been shown to help people with things like weight loss, smoking, etc. But some of the other stuff, I have doubts about.
Also - all the stuff about “manifesting your dreams” sounds to me like you’re thinking obsessively, trying to force the universe to give you what you want. That doesn’t go very well with “turn it over to God.”
I guess I’m just going to have to deal with Inner Teenager and her quest for the Quick Fix.
I definitely need help with obsessive thoughts, and also with my anxious attachment.
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Post by Sexlessw on Aug 10, 2019 14:59:53 GMT -8
lostkate (stbFoundKate)
Keep your credit card in your wallet! My knowledge or hypnosis is limited.
I know back in the late 1980s/early 1990s they sold such tapes and it was a "thing" for a bit. I only know one person who used them - but not too successfully. Or maybe that was the subliminal message tapes.
For SOME people hypnosis helps. Some people are able to fall under better than others. I myself am not one of those folks.
No, you know there's no quick fix.
At least you were focused on something other than what was keeping you anxious yesterday.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Aug 10, 2019 15:23:47 GMT -8
Well, I stopped after buying one hypnosis download. The speaker on that one is a man with a gorgeous voice and a Scottish accent. So it will be enjoyable to listen to, anyway. (I could listen to people with British, Scottish, or Irish accents read the grocery list and get all blissed out.)
I didn’t buy any of the other stuff. Like I said, I give some credence to hypnosis, but the rest of it sounds like b.s. to me.
I told Inner Teenager that if we didn’t spend the money on audio b.s., we’d have more money for Starbucks, and some other stuff we actually need. She settled down after that.
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