RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Aug 18, 2019 4:15:38 GMT -8
This morning I was on FB, and my thread had a “share your memory” of something I posted five years ago that would have been very hurtful to L.
I feel sick inside. And very guilty and ashamed.
Needless to say, I did NOT re-share it.
Sometimes I think I’ll never feel good about myself again, after some of the things I did. I was doing pretty well for the past few days, but now my guilt and shame over my bad behavior have triggered me into feeling anxious and insecure again.
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Post by Havefaith on Aug 19, 2019 4:42:12 GMT -8
I completely understand those feelings. I have been there. I have done that. My past addictive behaviors were nothing short of appalling, damaging (to my heart, mind, and soul), self-destructive. That my spouse never found out is because I led a double life -- which is a dark, sinister way to live. Lots of TOXIC guilt and shame...
What I learned is to take those feelings of guilt and shame and use them for good. It is OK to feel 'healthy' shame and guilt. It reminds me of how i DO NOT want to live, and moves me forward to a better life.
I am NOT my addiction. How I acted was abhorrent. But I am not abhorrent. I am an infinitely valued and loved child of God, and I am working hard on my recovery to reflect that in my life, by living with dignity, truth and grace.
I know what I did and how I lived was wrong, wrong, wrong. I know now that living a life of addiction is essentially living a life of bondage, and TOXIC shame and guilt abound in such a life.
Again, it is ok to feel remorse for the past. But try not to get caught up in feelings that lead to anxiety and insecurity. We are NOT our addiction. It does not define who we are. We are allowed to recover and move forward, and away from our toxic past. Walk away from the darkness and towards the light.*
HaveFaith
John 8:12 - NIV: When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” (And for those who are not followers of Christ, it is still a powerful image. One can look at the darkness as addiction, and the light of life as freedom to live one's best life!)
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Aug 19, 2019 7:33:43 GMT -8
Thank you so much for answering me. That’s a good way to look at it - as a reminder of what I DON’T want to do.
I have an infinite capacity for finding ways to feel bad about myself. For example, tomorrow would be my 25th wedding anniversary - if I had stayed married to my first husband. I feel some guilt for ever getting involved with him at all; we weren’t really compatible, I married him for the wrong reasons, and I really hurt him.
But. It’s 25 years in the past. He has had a couple of decades to heal. I think it’s possible he did heal. When we had been divorced for about three years, he called me to talk about a woman he’d been dating. I figured, if he still wanted me, he wouldn’t 1) care about another woman enough to want to talk about her; and 2) use me as a therapist.
And things with that FB post may not be as bad as I’d thought. I used to keep my FB friends separated into groups based on how much of my postings they can see. L was never in my “see everything” group. It’s possible, even likely, that he never saw that post when it first appeared. Since I did not share it when it came up yesterday, he couldn’t have seen it yesterday.
It also helps me to remember that all this misery and angst was occurring only in my mind - NOT in real life. IRL, things have been quiet and normal lately. My own mind does bad things to me. I have anxiety, depression, and an addiction - so I will probably go through these things from time to time.
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Post by Sexlessw on Aug 23, 2019 2:37:17 GMT -8
FB is its own world. I try not to share too much on it. I culled my "friends" when I lost my job. I kept TWO from that part of my life. That's it. The rest are family members. FB can get addicting too. If you're on a few FB groups, the next thing you know, three hours have gone by and you've been reading and "Liking" all sorts of things - that you won't remember an hour from then.
Wish your xH well. 25 years have passed, and maybe you did him a favor by setting him free to live the life he NEEDED to live. He hasn't called you in 22 years - that's a big sign that he's moved past you.
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