Post by RoseNadler on Sept 4, 2019 8:47:45 GMT -8
I didn’t feel unconditionally loved. As a child, my acting out behavior and getting bad grades was a response to feeling like my dad only liked me and loved me if I was following his script for how his daughter should behave. He was pretty controlling and had definite opinions about how everything “should” be - including me.
I acted out because I wanted him to love me even if I deviated from the script. In a way, I was daring him or testing him or something. I knew he was happy with me if I did everything right. But I wanted a dad who would still love me and like me even if I made a mistake. That wasn’t him. He was very critical - he always found and honed in on whatever I was doing wrong, and only gave brief attention to the things I did well. We had horrible screaming fights during my childhood.
After awhile, I just figured he didn’t like me, so I avoided him as much as possible. That was when I was about 12. One day my mother came to me and said, “Daddy said, ‘Kate thinks I don’t like her,’ and he sounded sad. Maybe you could try to get along better.” I was pretty frustrated when she said that. I *did* think he didn’t like me, and I had realized that talking to him didn’t do any good, so I just stayed out of his way. I honestly thought that was about the best I could do - what did she want from me?
My dad was never actually abusive to me (I don’t think) but he could be a real jerk sometimes. When I was very little, he would tease me until I got upset. I think he resented me - for taking up so much of my mother’s attention, for needing support and forcing him to be a responsible adult. This is somewhat conjecture, but he and my mom married very young, and I think he liked life better before I came along. Life with a baby and toddler isn’t nearly as fun as the honeymoon stage of your marriage.
My parents were both fairly introverted, and didn’t do much outside of the home, or with friends. I’m introverted myself, so I understand not wanting to do people stuff often. But the problem this caused was that I took a long time to learn social skills. I feel like I still don’t have that quite right. Usually what happened (and still happens) is that an extrovert decides they like me, and we become friends that way - and I learn more about social skills and human relationships by observing this friend.
My parents both grew up in dysfunctional families. When I was in my teens and 20s, I was very angry at my father, and somewhat disappointed in my mother. But I learned more about my family on both sides, and the more generations you go back, the more of a train wreck it looks like. So by the time I was middle-aged, I was mostly over being angry and disappointed at my parents and my childhood. By then, I was more able to see things through my parents’ eyes, and understand what must have motivated them - and feel compassion for their difficulties.
I acted out because I wanted him to love me even if I deviated from the script. In a way, I was daring him or testing him or something. I knew he was happy with me if I did everything right. But I wanted a dad who would still love me and like me even if I made a mistake. That wasn’t him. He was very critical - he always found and honed in on whatever I was doing wrong, and only gave brief attention to the things I did well. We had horrible screaming fights during my childhood.
After awhile, I just figured he didn’t like me, so I avoided him as much as possible. That was when I was about 12. One day my mother came to me and said, “Daddy said, ‘Kate thinks I don’t like her,’ and he sounded sad. Maybe you could try to get along better.” I was pretty frustrated when she said that. I *did* think he didn’t like me, and I had realized that talking to him didn’t do any good, so I just stayed out of his way. I honestly thought that was about the best I could do - what did she want from me?
My dad was never actually abusive to me (I don’t think) but he could be a real jerk sometimes. When I was very little, he would tease me until I got upset. I think he resented me - for taking up so much of my mother’s attention, for needing support and forcing him to be a responsible adult. This is somewhat conjecture, but he and my mom married very young, and I think he liked life better before I came along. Life with a baby and toddler isn’t nearly as fun as the honeymoon stage of your marriage.
My parents were both fairly introverted, and didn’t do much outside of the home, or with friends. I’m introverted myself, so I understand not wanting to do people stuff often. But the problem this caused was that I took a long time to learn social skills. I feel like I still don’t have that quite right. Usually what happened (and still happens) is that an extrovert decides they like me, and we become friends that way - and I learn more about social skills and human relationships by observing this friend.
My parents both grew up in dysfunctional families. When I was in my teens and 20s, I was very angry at my father, and somewhat disappointed in my mother. But I learned more about my family on both sides, and the more generations you go back, the more of a train wreck it looks like. So by the time I was middle-aged, I was mostly over being angry and disappointed at my parents and my childhood. By then, I was more able to see things through my parents’ eyes, and understand what must have motivated them - and feel compassion for their difficulties.
