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Post by BunnyEars on Sept 6, 2019 7:18:38 GMT -8
I recently ended a brief (not quite 2 months long) but intense romance with a woman who had tons of red flags. She was smart, funny, great in bed, but not at all emotionally stable or grounded. She pushed my boundaries, created drama, and I just couldn't continue with her. Still, I'm finding myself with some withdrawl symptoms.
This withdrawl, interestingly, seems not to be manifesting as longing for a particular POA, though there is some fantasizing about this last woman as well as the emotionally unavailable woman I dated 8 1/2 months before her. But I feel less focused on anyone in particular than I usually do in this state.
Instead, I feel panicked that I don't know where my next dose of love/sex/attention will come from, or how long I will have to wait for it. Because of this, I did two dumb things things this week.
First, I tried to get sexual with someone I wasn't feeling that way about. She's a very nice, very stable woman I've gone on a couple dates with, but the chemistry isn't there. The not-quite-sex we had was lackluster, we both felt it, and to my credit, I stopped it after a while, realizing my body wasn't into it. The next day we talked and agreed we are friends only. Okay, that wasn't so bad.
But then, the second dumb thing I did--much dumber, actually. I contacted the woman I recently dumped. I opened up to her that I felt depressed, horny, lonely, etc... And found myself dropped right in the middle of a drama triangle. Yep, though she was texting me how much she wanted me and needed me just a week ago, now, she says she's "in love" with another woman!
She comforted, me, sure, stroked my ego....but then came payback time. She started saying sexual things to me and trying to get me to come visit her while her "girlfriend" is out of town, then when I stopped engaging, I got long angsty texts because she felt soooo guilty having emotions for me while she's in an exclusive relationship. I apologized and told her I'd leave her alone, and you know what, I think I will.
Well, I guess there's my reminder that this is NOT a safe, grounded person who I can open up to. I need to step out of the toxic relationship stuff, and stay out.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 6, 2019 7:30:41 GMT -8
It sounds like you are well out of the relationship with this woman. Do you think you’ll establish NC?
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Post by BunnyEars on Sept 6, 2019 9:33:36 GMT -8
I don't often find the need to go NC. I've done it once for someone who was relentless, and (pretty sure she was BPD) and once I did it with someone because I was feeling out of control and couldn't stop bugging my POA.
She's not a bad person, she's just a drama queen. We agree we'd like to be friends at some point.
So I guess my answer is, not at this time. But I don't discount the possibility that I might have to because I seem to be HER POA
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Post by BunnyEars on Sept 7, 2019 6:47:55 GMT -8
Looks like she blocked/unfriended me. Yesterday morning, she texted me she couldn't stand the thought of not having me in her life. Then I few hours later, I replied that I wasn't comfortable in a love triangle, and reminded her that the night before, she'd said it would be best if I leave her alone. No response, and I noticed I'm blocked on social media. I admit, perversely, I felt abandoned and and am feeling anxious, missing her, thinking about her voice, and all the things she offers to do and be for me if I would just love her back... I know this is for the best, I'm proud of her, actually, for realizing that I'm being a mindf***k. I'm not doing it intentionally, I just want her and don't want her all at once, lol what's so hard to understand about that?  My inner child is having a tantrum. |
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 8, 2019 3:57:19 GMT -8
Do you feel bad because she did all those withdrawing things before you did? I’ve been in situations where I backed off from a person - then they decided to back off from me as well - and I felt sick and crazy and abandoned, even though I was the one who started the “backing off.”
It honestly makes me feel that maybe I should never back off from somebody again. They might be getting on my nerves and I need a little space - but then what if they decide they like the space better than they like time with me? Just typing this is bringing up my anxious feelings. It seems that my abandonment fears are triggered, whether the other person does the distancing or whether I do it. I have a feeling this goes back to the fact that I have an anxious attachment style. When I was a baby/toddler, something must have happened that made me afraid people wouldn’t come back after being apart from me. So now, even if I really need some space, I’m afraid to ask for it. Suppose I only needed space temporarily, and then when I need closeness again, the other person doesn’t want to be close any more? This gives me severe feelings of anxiety.
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Post by sexlessw on Sept 8, 2019 4:16:32 GMT -8
BunnyEars:
Yes it stinks that she blocked you. However, consider it a FAVOR. This way you can step away and NOT want to contact her because you CAN'T contact her. Let her keep her main woman. This woman had issues. You are NOBODY'S "fallback girl". This is what you tell yourself when you feel the fear of NC - "I am okay without BPD Drama Gal. I am better without the push/pull of her wackiness. I can live without her - I have before, I will again."
The only person we control is ourselves. You cannot control how another person is going to act or think.
Have you begun the Relationship Chart I am always harping on? The answers about WHY you act and WHY you feel are found in yourself. Not BPD Drama Queen gals. I always write here, it's the HARD WORK you do on yourself that will get you through. The Relationship Chart is VERY hard work.
BunnyEars, I'm going to offer you a bit of advice - this is under the take it or leave it variety. Before you contact another person to be in a relationship with or have sexual contact with - don't do it. Don't seek out a relationship or sexual contact for awhile. Be STILL. It's far easier to go chasing somebody to fill what you think is YOUR need than to fully understand WHY your actions are causing you to act this way. Figure out YOUR "Why" and life will get easier. This is nothing that I haven't written before.
Look over your old posts. What results have you gotten when you sought a relationship and sexual contact this past summer? Do you see the pattern? Start there. Old posts on this board or other places (if they haven't been deleted) are important guideposts of where we are and have been. I write that from a personal perspective. After LostKate pulled up a few of my threads from 2014 - I saw MY pattern and it was startling.
Take a look back, then then, take a step forward. Don't beat yourself up for making these mistakes - learn from them (a phrase I hate!)
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Post by BunnyEars on Sept 8, 2019 11:31:41 GMT -8
Lostkate: I'm also Anxiously/Preoccupied attachment style, so yeah, her backing off is triggering me.
I'm surprised I'm struggling so hard with this. I've spent weeks trying to extricate myself.For me to feel "abandoned" when I've finally succeeded in pushing her away is ridiculous. Seriously. I knew she was an awkward fit for me from day one, too intense, too pushy, too needy, but my words and actions were not in alignment, and I ended up in some kind of relationship. Now I'm somehow convincing myself I need her, and I won't find anyone else with her good qualities who is interested in me.
But all that attention, longing, and flattery she was pouring my way is now gone, and it feels like a rug pulled out underneath me. An annoying rug that didn't match my living room, but it's still got me off balance.
Hiya Sexlessw. How are your birds? Actually, I don't think I know of this relationship chart of which you speak. Got a link to point me to?
Ah, patterns. When I first came on this board about 5 years ago,I was in a failing marriage to a drug-addicted man and losing my mind over my lover, an ice-cold NPD woman.
At least I've stopped my lifelong pattern of chasing women who don't love me (something I killed myself with throughout my twenties.) And I seem to have lost interest in childish/inconsistent men altogether.
Strangely,these clingy, drama-making women are a new pattern for me. She was my second. At least this time it ended in a couple of months instead of a couple of years, unlike the first, who I cycled with for a hellish 2 1/2 years.
I really thought I'd started coming at all this from a healthier place. My last long term girlfriend was emotionally stable and we didn't have a lot of push-pull or drama. We were monogamous, and I was satisfied. I didn't recognize the extent of her emotional unavailability for good reason, because she hid it well, and because she was working on becoming emotionally available. When she left, I didn't chase (much.)
I'm feeling pretty burned out on sex/dating right now. I definitely need some new friendships, a couple of my besties moved away last year and I haven't replaced them. My kayaking trip though Costa Rica is coming up. I just gotta shake these withdrawl symptoms. I mean, I know the routine by now. Still a suckfest.
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Post by sexlessw on Sept 10, 2019 1:15:15 GMT -8
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Post by sexlessw on Sept 11, 2019 3:33:54 GMT -8
BunnyEars:
Sorry for not getting back here yesterday. I see that the link didn't format - but it's here on the Forum.
My birds are fine. I finally have gotten the rescue lack of feathers Goffins Cockatoo onto my shoulder. She sits in the t.v. room with me on the coffee table. That's quite a jump for both of us. How are your critters doing? Been giving lovies to your guinea pig?
When is the kayaking trip? Next month? After hurricane season? Now that sounds like a plan - a healthy plan.
See, I am going to disagree with you. "I really thought I'd started coming at all this from a healthier place." You HAVE come at this from a healthier place. You're not wriggling around in ignorance like you were 5 years ago. You've gained more knowledge about others and relationships. Now you're at the phase where you step back and say, "I need to figure out my WHYs - goodness knows I've had enough of OTHERS whys."
The relationship chart takes a while to write out. Include not only those people you have had romantic/sexual relationships with, but also friends. What elements - physical, emotional - did they possess that YOU were attracted to?
As for the one lady whose PoA you may have become - you got sex out of her. Maybe that is what you were seeking - not the rest. And that's okay as long as you are upfront. Don't beat yourself up.
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Post by BunnyEars on Sept 11, 2019 7:15:09 GMT -8
Sexless, You're amazing always answering everyone on here. I'm glad you were born!
I'm less than 2 weeks away from kayaking. Don't say the "H" word, you'll jinx me!
Had a rather difficult couple of days. First, my most recent ex (the woman who dumped me) left for Costa Rica. You may recall we originally planned this trip together. After we broke up, I changed my ticket/itinerary, she is doing pretty much what we'd planned to do together, but without me. I'd kind of forgotten the original dates, until the airline so nicely emailed me about an upgrade to her ticket. That sent me spinning a little. How can she not be thinking of me constantly on this trip?
Finally I am totally NC with this last woman. She unblocked me and responded worried about some stuff I said because I'd told her I was depressed. She used my depression as an excuse to keep calling me. I talked to her a bit, because I was depressed. There was some back-and-forth, then her new girlfriend messaged me to tell me I needed to stop talking to her because I was being "a bit much" and upsetting this woman. I felt absolutely humiliated, a stranger talking to me like that. Blocked that woman and the new girlfriend, then for good measure, I finally blocked my old BPD ex, too, from the one platform where she was still able to contact me.
I've been thinking a lot about your chart, not gonna do paperwork, but there's definitely some stuff I notice just off the bat thinking about those questions, especially how I tend to choose an emotionally cold person, then an emotionally hot person, then a cold one, then a hot one....In looks, too, I seem to react to the person who came before. For example, of the four women I've gotten involved with in the past 5 years, the first two were tall and voluptous and looked like models, though the first was pale,blond and cold emotionally (possibly NPD) and the second was dark and feral emotionally (possible BPD.) The last two women both were short and chubby. One had very African-American features and ran emotionally cool and avoidant,this last woman had very Jewish features and was anxious and codependent.
I do it with men too. Went from my hot-tempered Asian husband to an emotionally unavailable Florida boy. My long term relationships with men tend to be with men who aren't traditionally masculine in appearance or bearing. Asian guys, bisexual guys, etc..I have a strong preference for feminine energy emotionally--though sexually, I am very drawn to masculine looks and mannerisms in both genders.
I'm going to keep thinking on that, thanks.
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Post by sexlessw on Sept 13, 2019 1:23:24 GMT -8
BunnyEars:
Were BOTH alive and kicking - it feels okay lately to be part of the world and helping out others. It really does.
Nah, I think "H" season should almost be done by then. Does Costa Rica ever get hit by hurricanes anyway?
I FIGURED that was the trip you and the xGF had planned. I didn't want to ask, but when you said it was costly and hard to re-arrange - that gave me a clue. Did she upgrade her ticket? Did you upgrade yours? If she's thinking of you or not thinking of you on this trip - that's out of your control. You are in control of YOUR thoughts - she is NO LONGER part of your life. Let her think and let her kayak - it'll be YOUR turn in two weeks.
Oh boy, the last lady unblocked you? Really? Then her GF got involved? To heck with that flaming mess-a-tude. You did right by blocking them all - BPD xGF included. Relief from DRAMA - from people who are NOT participants in your life.
I see that you're seeing patterns, at least physically, in the ladies you are attracted to. Dig deeper and think about attributes that people had who raised you. Father, mother, grandmother, uncles, aunts. Get to that point and things will open up.
I had to laugh - forgive me - when you wrote you had an attraction to Asian men. I have never heard of Caucasian women (I assume you're Caucasian - if you are not, I apologize) having an "Asian man" fetish. It's usually "Asian women fetish". Not that it's a FETISH for you.
Keep plugging away. You WILL find the answers you seek IN TIME. Speaking of that, I'm heading off to my XFit workout. Keep us updated on your path.
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Post by BunnyEars on Sept 13, 2019 6:21:09 GMT -8
Oh the ex won't be kayaking, she's physically lazy. She'll be lounging in the resort. I was willing to do that kind of vacation with her, but now I'm doing the kind of vacation I like, which involves lots of wildlife watching and time on the water, less sitting by the pool with frozen drinks.
Costa Rica isn't hurricane prone, but I live on an island in hurricane ally, and I've had to cut short my vacation before to come home and button up the house, grab the pets, etc.. Hoping nothing like that happens now.
I do find some Asian men quite attractive, their almond-shaped eyes, silky black hair. I'm very petite so them being on the small side doesn't bother me, they'll still bigger than me. Wouldn't go so far as to call it a fetish though. As you can see, I'm attracted to all kinds of people, white, black, jewish, asian, fat, skinny, men, women, lol.
I completely understand the WHY I feel so desperate for love (neglectful parents, early experiences of romantic rejection.) What I truly need is a way forward. I think here is where I really falter--I need a healthy partner to move forward with. In the absence of that, I tend to sort of try to work with whatever I've got in front of me, because a not-ideal relationship still feels better than being alone.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 13, 2019 11:21:51 GMT -8
There’s one good thing I noticed here: you’re getting to have your vacation more the way you would really like it. That’s something to hold on to.
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Post by sexlessw on Sept 14, 2019 3:25:48 GMT -8
BunnyEars:
Oh, I know you don't have a fetish for Asian men! Unfortunately, the word "fetish" is the first one that came to my mind. As a matter of fact, "Fetish" is so 1980s/1990s. It's not even a word I read or hear in the 2010s.
HO HO HO about your xGF and just wanting to sit by the pool instead of kayaking and observing the natural world. Yeah - you can sit by the pool and drink fruity, alcoholic drinks ANYWHERE between Georgia and Brazil in the Western Hemisphere. I'd rather be you grabbing an oar and battling the WHITE WATER while clutching your camera in your hand. (is there white water in Costa Rica?)
You're going to hear this many times. The best relationship you have will be with YOURSELF. If you are not comfortable with yourself - your whys, your needs, your personal understanding - NOBODY you enter a relationship with is going to fix that for you. A non-ideal relationship is not only "Non-ideal" for you, but for the other person. The other person has now filled a position she has NOT signed up for. And if she has the same feeling - "BunnyEars is my non-ideal relationship and she is going to help me fix what's wrong with me" - that's a dysfunctional relationship.
Love yourself first and foremost. If you don't love yourself first, nobody can do it for you. Then you take your SELF LOVE (and understanding) and add it to somebody who is as comfortable with themselves as you are with yourself.
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My inner child is having a tantrum. 