Post by RoseNadler on Sept 15, 2019 12:43:31 GMT -8
Background:
I’ve been going through a lot of emotional pain off and on for about six weeks. I did Steps 4 and 5 around the end of July. Since then, I’ve done a lot of reading about childhood, family of origin, the Inner Child, and that kind of stuff.
So all this was in my head, and then I spent last week feeling wretchedly miserable. I was in excruciating pain.
I think I went through some kind of mini withdrawal, because I didn’t act out with men, nor did I make unreasonable demands on L., my bf.
On Friday morning (Sept. 13), I feel like I had some kind of a breakthrough. All these thoughts about how I’ve really felt about things all my life came up.
It was the emotional equivalent of vomiting. I felt terrible leading up to it (like when you think you’re going to puke, and you’re dreading it.) Then the day the feelings all came up, and it was awful. Like puking. And then the next day, and the day after that, I felt a LOT better. Like you sometimes do after puking.
I’m not sure where to post this stuff, but I feel like I should post it. It needs to be out of me, and into the open. Mods, feel free to move it if necessary.
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My dad loved me in the “duty” way but didn’t really enjoy me....until I was grown up enough to censor my true self around him. To this day, I hide a lot from my dad.
My mom really loved me and enjoyed me. She was the parent I could relax around.
Maybe that’s why I get so attached to men who are lukewarm about me, and so desperate to make them love me. Maybe I’m trying to relive my childhood relationship with my dad, and make it come out differently this time.
The guys who really loved me were a lot like my mother - gentle, sensitive, emotional, artistic. But I value them more if they’re a little lukewarm about me (John H., L.) If they’re totally loving and accepting, I don’t feel a “spark.”
L. may be a partial exception to that. For years he loved me without reservation, and I was able to accept that and bask in it. But when he withdrew something I deeply needed, I panicked trying to get it back - first from him, then from other men. But when I was briefly allowed to date, I couldn’t warm up to M or R, who offered it. And now, I’m unhappy because L. doesn’t always seem to enjoy me as much as he used to.
I’ve been going through a lot of emotional pain off and on for about six weeks. I did Steps 4 and 5 around the end of July. Since then, I’ve done a lot of reading about childhood, family of origin, the Inner Child, and that kind of stuff.
So all this was in my head, and then I spent last week feeling wretchedly miserable. I was in excruciating pain.
I think I went through some kind of mini withdrawal, because I didn’t act out with men, nor did I make unreasonable demands on L., my bf.
On Friday morning (Sept. 13), I feel like I had some kind of a breakthrough. All these thoughts about how I’ve really felt about things all my life came up.
It was the emotional equivalent of vomiting. I felt terrible leading up to it (like when you think you’re going to puke, and you’re dreading it.) Then the day the feelings all came up, and it was awful. Like puking. And then the next day, and the day after that, I felt a LOT better. Like you sometimes do after puking.
I’m not sure where to post this stuff, but I feel like I should post it. It needs to be out of me, and into the open. Mods, feel free to move it if necessary.
————————
My dad loved me in the “duty” way but didn’t really enjoy me....until I was grown up enough to censor my true self around him. To this day, I hide a lot from my dad.
My mom really loved me and enjoyed me. She was the parent I could relax around.
Maybe that’s why I get so attached to men who are lukewarm about me, and so desperate to make them love me. Maybe I’m trying to relive my childhood relationship with my dad, and make it come out differently this time.
The guys who really loved me were a lot like my mother - gentle, sensitive, emotional, artistic. But I value them more if they’re a little lukewarm about me (John H., L.) If they’re totally loving and accepting, I don’t feel a “spark.”
L. may be a partial exception to that. For years he loved me without reservation, and I was able to accept that and bask in it. But when he withdrew something I deeply needed, I panicked trying to get it back - first from him, then from other men. But when I was briefly allowed to date, I couldn’t warm up to M or R, who offered it. And now, I’m unhappy because L. doesn’t always seem to enjoy me as much as he used to.