Post by RoseNadler on Sept 15, 2019 12:44:38 GMT -8
1. In my early childhood, I thought mommies were nice and daddies were mean. I remember seriously wondering: Who did I want to be like? Did I want to be like mommy (everybody liked her, but she never got to have things her way)? Or did I want to be like daddy (people didn’t like him as much, but he got his own way all the time)? This was before I realized that since I was female, that would make a difference.
If nothing else, this makes me think that people have no control over their sexual orientation, and it’s not a choice. Until I hit puberty, I strongly preferred women and girls to men and boys. By that logic, I should have grown up to be a lesbian. I didn’t even *like* males as a group until puberty. So, sexual orientation is not a choice.
2. Abandonment issues: the earliest thing I remember that sounds like it would fit, was when my brother was born, and my mother went absolutely gaga over him. I didn’t get that at all. I remember thinking to myself, “He’s okay, but he’s not THAT great.” LOL
I took it hard later in life when my friends started getting married and having children, and at the time I thought I was just jealous because they were doing that earlier than I was, and I didn’t want to be an old maid. But over the years, I’ve realized that it was more my feelings that my friends were abandoning me and leaving me behind. Especially my best friend. For a few years we came first to each other, and then she got married and I didn’t come first anymore. To this day, I feel hurt whenever I realize I don’t come first to somebody I love.
I think it goes back to feelings of abandonment when my brother was born. As a child, of course I didn’t know that the hormones in a woman’s body when she’s pregnant, and has just had a baby, will rule her mind and her emotions, and literally blind her to the rest of the world. As an adult, I know this intellectually, but since I’ve never been pregnant, I think I still don’t really understand.
Possibly part of the reason I didn’t want children was that on a primitive level, I saw my friends’ having babies as abandoning me. Maybe I didn’t want to become one of those rotten people who have a baby and then forget all their friends.
Would my whole life have been different if I hadn’t been the oldest child in my family?
3. I am presently back with my bf of almost 18 years, and trying to re-establish a healthy relationship. But when I imagine having to be single and date and deal with men’s stuff again, this is my thinking: “Marry me and put me on your health insurance, and THEN I’ll jump through hoops trying to please you. I’m sick and tired of doing a whole lot of work for nothing.” When I was allowed to date other people for a couple of years, that’s what it felt like: like I was jumping through hoops trying to please men, and not getting much back for all the work I was doing. F—- that. Never again.
And, this correlates to my past attitude towards my dad, when I was a child. We had a difficult relationship. My feelings towards him were this: “Love me unconditionally and be nice to me instead of being mean. Then I’ll settle down and be a good kid.”
My dad tried to force me to be a better person. My mom somehow made me want to be a better person. Needless to say, she got better results out of me in the long run.
4. I test people. I behave badly to see if people will still love me and want me. I’ve done it with family, friends, all my roommates, and every man I’ve ever been involved with, including POAs and good guys. Including my first husband. Including L.
After I’ve gone too far, most times, I try to make up for it. Sometimes it works.