It’s creeping back

No, I work for a government contractor, and today is a federal holiday. So I’m still home.

I’m not sure being at work would help much. I’ve been there nearly six months, and most of us have very little to do. I have tried bringing that up to my supervisor a couple of times - and suggesting that I could do more. But no. It just isn’t there. Another coworker who’s been there a few times thinks that we can *always* sstuffe something new out of what we’ve already got. But I don’t think I agree with her. I’m afraid if I go back over and over the same thing too many times, I’ll end up making things wrong that I got right the first two or three times.

So, I now try to use the time wisely - thank god for smartphones. I get on this site, and I journal, and I read recovery, psychology, spiritual stuff on my phone.

And the business about going to the restaurant - you’re right, things did end up the way I wanted. We went, and we had a good conversation while we were there, and he enjoyed the meal and even tasted some of mine.

Maybe I still feel anxious because I’m still working on accepting him the way he is now, instead of trying to get him to change back to the way he used to be. I miss the old L. terribly. He went through some bad stuff, and he changed; he’s not as fun-loving as he used to be. And I still feel guilty that I didn’t handle that well when it happened. I could have shown more empathy and made more of an effort to just be there for him, instead of trying to fix him.

I still miss the way he used to be. I miss the way we used to be. I still feel guilty and ashamed that I made things worse, not better.

I guess the ray of hope in this is that L and I are both trying. Eighteen months ago, I came to my senses and realized what a treasure L. is, and I started doing my part to mend this relationship. And I think his agreeing to go to the restaurant after all, shows that he’s trying. I would have accepted his “no,” but he changed his mind on his own, without me talking any more about it. I think he realized he’d hurt my feelings. If he didn’t care about me, and our relationship, I don’t think he would care about hurting my feelings.

I got triggered because as a love addict with an anxious attachment style, I notice every little thing that looks like a rejection. I can put on a polite, brave face; but deep down inside, I don’t deal with rejection well at all.

I probably need to do some more work around abandonment and rejection, my attachment style, childhood issues, etc. But in a way, I’m afraid to. I’m scared that if I go digging up old incidents and old feelings, I will feel terrible all the time, and not be able to “act normal,” which I need to do if I’m to have any life with other people. I’m so scared of being hurt all over again - and that that would destroy me to the point where I couldn’t function.