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Post by annebelle on Oct 31, 2019 22:58:01 GMT -8
Y’all. I’ve basically been in withdrawal this entire year, ever since I found out that my couple of addiction was expecting their first child. I miss them and know that babies make life insane.
I’ve also been resentful of no contact rules, because i’ve been doing what i’m supposed to for over a year, and it’s just made me miss them more. 😔
How long is this his supposed to last? I’ve been depressed and medication isn’t even helping.
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Post by sexlessw on Nov 1, 2019 3:26:54 GMT -8
Annebelle:
I have to ask, how did you "find out" that your couple of addiction [CoA] are having a baby?
NC is only a tool. It is NOT a cure-all for the addiction. If you are HOLDING ON in any way - social media, friends, family - any information you receive about the CoA IS detrimental to your healing.
What have you done, exactly with respect to the NC rules?
I understand that NC = No New Hurts, but ANY information that you receive is toxic.
And I know, from personal experience, that other people having a baby hurts IF that is something you wanted for yourself. And I also know from personal experience, better them than me when that baby is born. Again, only my personal experience.
Besides NC, what other "self work" have you done? That's the key - finding out within yourself WHY you have held on to your CoA. The key lies within - I don't think medication can cure that. IF it did, I want that pill.
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Post by annebelle on Nov 1, 2019 9:47:31 GMT -8
Annebelle: I have to ask, how did you "find out" that your couple of addiction [CoA] are having a baby? ... What have you done, exactly with respect to the NC rules? I understand that NC = No New Hurts, but ANY information that you receive is toxic. I was still following them on Facebook and Instagram...that has since changed. I haven’t logged on to Instagram since February. I don’t talk to them or message them. But, my life circumstances are such that I will run into them infrequently. I’m not about ready to become a hermit or avoid events because they *might* be there. Just curios, if you would mind going into more detail? I understand it is your personal experience. Does it have anything to do with babies making life complicated? I go to SLAA meetings in person. I’m currently stuck on step 9. Back in the summer I switched therapists to someone who’s familiar with romantic obsession; my previous therapist was trying to treat this like she would an alcohol addiction and it wasn’t working. I’ve also been taking online grant and technical writing classes. I’m trying to achieve professional goals and use them as a distraction. I recently broke my ankle so I haven't been out much but I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and will go to a meeting tonight. |
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Post by sexlessw on Nov 2, 2019 3:43:35 GMT -8
Annebelle:
BOO HISS about the broken ankle. I hope you are on the mend. My response wasn't trying to talk down to you. I hope you were not offended.
I understand when you wrote that you do not want to live as a hermit. Nobody does - except hermits. Now, for me, I am able to go full NC when it came to my xPoAs. I used to see one at the gym infrequently and kept on walking when I saw him. I would simply go into the women's section of the gym and do my exercises there.
Chances are, when you go to future events they WILL NOT be there because...they will be new parents.
When you see your CoA, do you acknowledge them, nod, say hello, engage with them? Do you practice the WALL OF POLITENESS?
What is it about the CoA that attracts YOU to them? That's the question I pose to you.
Fantastic on trying to give yourself a boost for your career. Are you doing well on the classes? Will you be able to get a good job AFTER you have completed the classes AND passed the exams? Is it a job you can do from home or do you have to travel to a job location?
Yes - going to the therapist and a meeting is a great thing to do. After, did you feel a bit better? Yeah - you were correct in changing therapists. There are so many different angles to therapy - one size DOES NOT FIT ALL. Addiction is addiction BUT - I think the mind when you are obsessed over PoAs has a different hold over you than when somebody is an alcoholic. Of course, some people suffer from both issues.
I don't know what to say regarding being "stuck at Step 9". Although I am a frequent poster on this board, I never personally did step work. Do you have a sponsor? Has anybody shared with you what they did?
[Start of my TED talk] Regarding my "personal experience" with respect to children, I skew Childfree. However, I am an adoptive mother. I tend not to think that babies are all the Kodak moments. They are WORK. And babies grow up into toddlers, kids, then teenagers. I've seen folks who were so happy with their BABY but when that baby grew up, got involved in things he/she should not have, next thing you know, baby is living back at home with THEIR babies. Now, I KNOW it's not all negative. I can't say that happened TO ME, just to OTHER PEOPLE. I am selfish with my time and space and money. That's the avoidant in me coming out. IF you decide to have a child, be prepared to give your time, space and money away to somebody who did NOT ask to be here. So...if somebody signed up for children, I pray they have thought it out backwards and forewards because it isn't all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. Far too many people think having a baby will "save" a relationship or force somebody into staying in a broken relationship. A baby is a PERSON whom you GIVE love to - not a person you expect to GIVE YOU unconditional love. [End of my TED talk]
Do you miss Instagram? Or was it just another social media distraction?
Okay Annebelle, I wish other people would chime in here - please post an update about your therapy session and your meeting. Perhaps a member shared something that you were able to use.
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,068
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 2, 2019 4:03:40 GMT -8
It sounds to me like you are doing the right things - therapy, meetings, developing new interests.
With regard to the step work - as a big part of my recovery, I decided to do the 12 Steps. I just finished step eight. So it sounds like we’re in a similar place here. I admit, I’m still scared of step nine. I was thinking I might start with some of the easier items on my step eight list, and work up to the more difficult ones.
I go to a CoDA meeting every week. Where I live, there are no LAA or SLAA meetings. I’m introverted, and it usually takes me a long time to bond with people. After six months, I’m finally starting to feel comfortable with the people at the meeting. I’ve also been at my job about six months, and I finally feel less new and awkward there. Of course, at work I have to pretend to be “normal,” ha ha. But it’s always good for me to have a chance to practice social skills.
Interesting that you are trying to get into technical writing. I’m a technical writer/editor. There have been some ups and downs over the years. I’m an IT technical writer, so one thing that really helps me is that I like computers, and am good at learning how to use software. Technical writing is one of the better fields to end up in, if you’re not good at STEM, health care or business stuff.
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Post by annebelle on Nov 5, 2019 9:29:06 GMT -8
BOO HISS about the broken ankle. I hope you are on the mend. My response wasn't trying to talk down to you. I hope you were not offended. I wasn't, no worries  At the very least I say hello...I have no reason to be mean or cold to them. What is the wall of politeness, specifically? I think with him, I zeroes in on common interests, familiarity and values (he's a pastor, as was my dad). I hated myself for crushing on this dude, tho, because being in a clergy family SUCKS. Hell, even my dad was like, "In the back of my mind, I'm a bit relieved" when I informed him that my crush was no longer single. I think with his girlfriend-now-wife, I was just able to dismantle the fantasy I had of her and get to know her in the real world. I wanted to establish a friendship, and I swear this unrequited platonic love is worse than all of my romantic rejections combined. I didn't know it was possible for feel this way about someone in a non-romantic way. And yes, this new therapist has been very helpful. She recommended ACT therapy and the book "The Happiness Trap" which is apparently at my local library. I have a letter drafted out, it's just a matter of *doing* the step: type an email, have my SLAA sponsor look it over one last time, and hit send. I just need to stop being such a slacker. I do miss Instagram, but I don't feel like giving myself a heart attack by running into baby/family pix. Obs I can unfollow my POA but that requires me to actually log in and I wonder how much trouble that's worth. also, I've noticed that Instagram is the worst social media account for my self esteem. It's funny now much I better i feel when I'm not comparing my life to others'  Word. I'm on the fence about kids myself, but I'm interested in finding a decent partner first, however long that takes. When I started dating my ex, I wanted kids and he didn't; as our relationship progressed, the tables were turned and i wasn't interested in having children anymore while he wouldn't stfu about "when we have kids blahblahblah..." I think maybe my brain was just telling me that I didn't want *his* kids. |
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Post by sexlessw on Nov 5, 2019 14:29:41 GMT -8
AnneBelle:
Indeed - your last paragraph about the man you were with who went on about children reminds me of Megan Kelley, the xFOX News gal. I read an interview with her in which she discusses her first marriage. She said "Yes, I just wanted children but not with him." Fast forward to her current spouse - and three children. Your brain was wise here - don't combine your genetics with somebody on an entirely different page than you.
"Wall of Politeness" is my own term. It means, as I practice it, if my xPoA/xOM/xWhoever acknowledges me, I will say hello and not engage any further. If they ask how I am, "I am fine. Thanks! Whoops! Look at that! I have to [insert any darn excuse you need to]" and leave. "Nice to see you. Bye!" This works for me IF I am still attached to that person AND when I am feeling indifferent to the person.
You are doing the right thing, IMO, when you see them. A simple hello is all that is needed. Not an in-depth how is your life and wife and husband and your church and etc etc etc.
Okay - I see why you were attracted to the H in the CoA. Similar background, - especially the fact your dad was a Pastor. Never underestimate the power that the opposite gender parent has on you in attraction to others. Especially romantic/sexual partners. Just a tidbit I learned after denying the fact in my own life.
[If I read your post correctly] Yes - you befriended the PoA's GF/W in order to be close to the PoA. BTDT - not with a spouse but with my xOM's not-quite-GF. This addiction isn't just "love". It can be for a person for friendship. My first PoA was a girl in my high school class. It was all the hallmarks of addiction, without the "love" or sexual attraction.
Well, I must cajole you into hitting "send" to get your letter out to your SLAA sponsor. Edit the draft, re-read, if it is what you want to say about your situation - SEND.
I will further cajole you into going to the LIBRARY and getting "The Happiness Trap". If nothing else, it will give you some "homework" to do for your therapy session. I hope your therapist follows through if it is an assignment, because I don't like it if I am given something to do and the person/teacher does NOT follow through.
Yes - the faux reality of social media. Of course everybody is happy and carefree and living their shiniest lives! It's a disguise. No need to compare yourself to everybody else because they are comparing themselves to everybody else - a total cluster of silliness. For the time being, not being on Instagram is a good thing for you.
Well Annebelle, it seems that you are getting a handle on your whys and doing some HARD WORK to get through this. Keep plugging away at your studies - that's important for your future financial prospects. Nobody wants to be unemployed, poor and fretting over a PoA/CoA.
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