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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 1, 2019 16:34:35 GMT -8
Last few days have been horrible for me, I can't stop crying, don't want to eat (I make myself.) The next six months ahead of me are nothing but work, no chance for a vacation or travel. I'm obsessing about my ex girlfriend, I feel back where I was 5 months ago when she dumped me. I took some antidepressants but they make me feel sick. I think maybe I'm triggered because it was exactly at this time last year when she and I started going home together. We have a carnival that goes on this time of year, so seeing the same events and parties remind me of when we went from friends to lovers last fall.
I think what has me really twisted (now I'm ruminating again) is that it wasn't a toxic relationship. Just a month before I got dumped, I'd bragged to my bestie how I'd finally found someone who I felt SAW me, for the first time in my memory, I felt pretty much continuously peaceful in my relationship. We slept in an embrace every night for 8 1/2 months. Then she just decided she was done with me, after one fight, not even a bad one I thought. She never gave me another chance. It seemed like a good, monogamous, communicative, fun relationship-- and I still couldn't hold onto it.
I'm sitting on my hands not to contact her right now, I don't even know what I'd say. Five months ago, she said she didn't want to be with me anymore. I have no reason to believe anything has changed.
Last night at my writer's group an acquaintance asked me about my partner. I had to tell her her I don't have a partner. She was like, there's no one special in your life? I had to admit, No. No partner, no children, no siblings, not close to parents at all. No one. I felt like a total loser. I'm seriously one of the loneliest people I know. I'm struggling to put on a happy face, I'm scared knowing the holidays are coming and that's always a hard time for me.
Therapy has never helped me much, but I'm thinking I might need some help right now, I can't stand being in my own skin. My thoughts feel muddled, I can't concentrate, I'm on edge and have no confidence. It doesn't help that all the advice on the internet says it's something wrong with ME that makes my relationships fail, that all the work I've done on myself to be more positive and open and pick healthier partners apparently isn't good enough.
Gonna head out and meet a friend and try to get out of my head, sing it out with some karaoke, my go-to when I'm down. But man, this week has been a doozy
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 2, 2019 4:11:51 GMT -8
Times of the year and anniversaries can be horrible. When I was involved with my most damaging recent POA, a lot of stuff happened in the month of August, going up to Labor Day weekend. It was four years ago that I finally gave up on him and went NC (although I wasn’t in the program yet - and I didn’t know it from a program point of view, but NC was absolutely the best thing I did for myself.)
Anyway, after four years - this year I had the first Labor Day weekend that didn’t suck. So it can take a while to feel okay when that time of the year rolls around.
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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 2, 2019 6:54:08 GMT -8
Thanks for understanding, RoseNadler. I think part of me was hoping she'd be overcome with memories and contact me, and now reality has kicked in. The only sign of life from her was one "like" on one of my photos a professional photographer took of my bestie and me in the parade. I look like I was having fun, but at that moment, I was actually scanning the crowd for her (the parade organizer's VIP section, where I suspected she'd be.) I was mentally preparing to hide behind other people's big costumes if I saw her so as not to make eye contact.
I didn't "unfriend" or "block" because she's a leader in the LGBTQ community here, and if I ever want to go to any woman-centered gay events, she's the one posting the invites. I unfollowed her and her closest friends on FB and IG to minimize her in my social media feeds. Truthfully, part of what's keeping me acting cool on the surface is that I can't have her telling all the local lesbians I'm crazy if I want to date women in this town, lol. Last contact was 2 months ago, strictly business about plane tickets for a vacation we were supposed to take together. I've since put our conversations away in an "ignore" folder, but the truth is I still check that naive folder almost everyday hoping she contacted me.
I don't think she was a POA for me while we were together, because I felt secure with her. I was totally chill when she was out doing other things, there was almost no push-pull, except for one red-flag instance 3 months in when she balked at making the transition from "hooking up" to "girlfriends." Now, though, I've got the obsession and rumination. This is always my downfall. No amount of thought-stopping or mindfulness or medication makes it stop entirely. It's humiliating, wanting something so badly that takes me away from my own life, and it leaves me feeling so ashamed and drained.
Karaoke was fun last night, I lasted almost 2 hours before I felt like going home. I already had a little cry this morning, gonna go paddleboarding try to exercise it out, though my body and sick mind just wants to lay on the couch and give up.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 3, 2019 4:03:42 GMT -8
“I don't think she was a POA for me while we were together, because I felt secure with her. I was totally chill when she was out doing other things, there was almost no push-pull, except for one red-flag instance 3 months in when she balked at making the transition from "hooking up" to "girlfriends." Now, though, I've got the obsession and rumination. This is always my downfall. No amount of thought-stopping or mindfulness or medication makes it stop entirely. It's humiliating, wanting something so badly that takes me away from my own life, and it leaves me feeling so ashamed and drained.”
This is the whole thing: it’s us, not them.
We have an addiction, and we can get addicted to a person who’s pretty healthy, just as much as we can get addicted to somebody who has a lot of problems.
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Post by Sexlessw on Nov 3, 2019 9:02:37 GMT -8
Yup. What Rose Nadler said above. I'll add (don't I always) that instead of LYING ON YOUR COUCH and GIVING UP, what did you do? That's right! You got up off your behind and hopefully went paddleboarding or whatever activity you chose. Last night, instead of going to bed and saying "My life sux! I'm a LEWZER!" you went out and interacted with other people - and gave them the pleasure of your voice and your take on whatever song you were singing.  Regarding your XGF, the gal whose presence is haunting you right now, this is my take. What you wrote about her, from my perspective, is that she had a different view of Full Time Relationship and Full Life Partner. How long had her prior relationships lasted? One month to six or seven months? I'm going to project here, and take off my "Love Addiction" hat and put on my AVOIDANT hat. Avoidant hat is on. The Avoidant in me sees it this way. When she was with you, she may have had an "expiration date" on the relationship. Of course she didn't tell this to you, nor perhaps, could she think this herself. I write this from experience. I mentioned my second xOM - somebody who would have moved heaven and earth to be with me, but I did not view him in this way. I viewed our relationship as having an expiration date because I could not carry through the relationship in the direction he wanted it to go (think retirement together and me marrying him - yeah, no - wasn't going to happen -I did quash those thoughts of his). The problem was - I NEVER TOLD HIM THIS. I can't say I callously dumped him, but when I ended the relationship, I gave him the usual Married Person excuse: "I'm working on my marriage." [Yeah - boy - not a part of myself I'm happy about] As for the lady at the writer's group asking you if you had a partner - she didn't want to make you feel badly. You put into her question the things you are feeling badly about. Now, if you really look at it - try to find something to be thankful for today. Did you feed your guinea pig? Clean his cage? Did he squeak for you? IDK, but I can tell you that when I interact with my birds, that gives me something to be thankful for - even in my Pacific Trenches days from 2000 I took care of my birds. Did the sun rise today? Were you able to get out of bed and walk to your paddleboard? Were you able to breath and thank your HP that you were breathing? Small steps Bunny Ears. Here I am going to admonish you. If you post here and somebody responds, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And, since you went out last night and are engaging with people (Writer's Group, Job), you are NOT alone and hiding. That is something to give yourself a huge pat on the back. As for therapy - that is something you need to think through. When you are ready to take that step, you will. |
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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 3, 2019 9:29:51 GMT -8
Last night I drank to much and went home with a guy friend. I made it clear sex was not on the table, just kisses and cuddles if he wanted them. He did. It was really nice, actually, it seems to have filled up my empty love/touch bucket enough that I feel like I can function somewhat today. I'm not sure if that was the healthiest thing to do, but I need out of this depression, at least for a minute. I have things to do!
This guy and me were an item for about 8 months like 5 years ago. It was right after my marriage ended. I broke up with him because he lacks emotional depth, and he has issues moving any relationship forward. He's in his late 40's, never lived with a woman or taken a long vacation with one or even introduced a woman to his parents. Also, I really wanted to try dating women again,and I'd just met a gorgeous woman who was interested (she turned out to be BPD.)
My friend is now saying he's working on his issues, wants a serious girlfriend, and of course, it's tempting to go there. But for a couple of years now, though I'm open to dating men, I've been picturing my ideal future life partner as female, to the point where I might just be wasting everyone's time dating men. I just feel more passionate about women, and I enjoy sex with them better, generally.
But here's the thing, I tend to get less addicted and messed up over the men. I don't seem to have male POA's, I'm able to walk away a little easier when the relationship isn't working. I suppose I have more of an "abundance" mindset about men--possibly because there's more straight/bi men around than gay/bi women willing to engage in a relationship with a bisexual woman. Possibly because my mother was colder emotionally than my father, or possibly because my early romantic attachments to women were a string of bisexual girls who slept with me and acted like my girlfriend, but then decided they weren't gay and left me for men.
I feel like even if I'm with a great guy, if an equally great woman came along who wanted me, I'd want to leave the guy, like maybe I'm 70% gay, 30% straight. My feelings for men tend to be a slow burn, I have to know them a long time before I attach, while women feel so much more intense right off the bat, all that darned oxytocin.
What if what I'm thinking of as a sexual orientation is actually addiction to a "type," that type being "women?"
I really struggle to get myself into an abundance mindset when it comes to the much smaller dating pool of queer women, which means I'm devastated when a relationship with a woman doesn't move forward. These questions of sexuality are probably outside the scope of this thread, but right now, my sexual fluidity is feeling more complicating than usual.
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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 3, 2019 9:36:34 GMT -8
Sexlessw,
Yes she was total avoidant. I know this, logically. And she gave good psuedo-relationship for several months before she ran out of steam. I definitely need to move on, I'm just frustrating that I'm struggling.
PS--paddleboarding with the bestie yesterday was nice.And I killed it at karaoke two nights in a row. You're the best for checking in!! I come here when I'm down because yes, it helps me feel less alone.
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Post by Sexlessw on Nov 4, 2019 4:09:34 GMT -8
BunnyEars:
I read your post about doing kissy-poos with the dude (is he Aspen - sure sounds like it - oh my!). I really can't expound on your situation with being with men versus being with women because I am strongly heterosexual. But honestly, the longer I've been around there are the same attachment traits in BOTH men and women - it's not just men who have troublesome attachment styles. Women have them too! Yeah - telling you something you don't already know.
I would tell you, in my personal opinion, that it would be a good idea to take a step away from the dating scene. Be comfortable finding your space and what you need. NOBODY can fix that for you. I understand that it is easy for me to say, sitting behind my computer in the wilds of NYS (ha ha ha) when I am not living your life. Once you understand your whys and reasons, life will get easier. It's the hard work that stinks (like I wrote in my post to Toshi).
Nobody can be your end all to be all. There is no such thing as a "soul mate" (no you never mentioned that word in your posts). There are only people who you are attracted to, who share the traits and characteristics that YOU and only YOU are attracted to. It's like proteins working on DNA.
Well, I think it's fantastic that you went paddleboarding with your pal. What songs did you sing at karaoke? Do tell. Now, this weekend, you'll have to knock a few more tunes out of the ballpark.
Also, what projects are you working on in your writer's group? Now that's a thought - put your work on yourself into a writing project. The best subject we can all talk about is ourselves.
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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 4, 2019 5:59:43 GMT -8
Thanks, Sexlessw
I totally don't believe in soulmates or twin flames or "the one." There's so many aspects to my personality, and so many different types of people I'm attracted to. One friend asked me not long ago "Do you think you're ever going to settle down?" As if I was purposefully avoiding love. If I am, it is deeply unconscious.
I haven't delved much into my history with men on this board, since women tend to be my POA's. My most defining relationship to a man would be with my ex husband. We got together when I was 26, I left him at 42. I met him when we both worked at the same restaurant in NYC. He asked me out, but I was already in a relationship. Soon enough, I broke up with Emotionally Cool guy to date Emotionally Hot Chef.
I definitely overfunctioned in that marriage. He was a workaholic, cocaine-addicted chef with anger issues. I was never terribly passionate about him, but we had fun together and I trusted him, he was kind and funny and loyal when he wasn't angry and exhausted, and he'd do just about anything for me. We had a deep friendship and made love enough, mostly, that it seemed workable up until it wasn't. Part of it was I couldn't stop wanting women, the sight of two women together made me sick with jealousy.
I was pretty lonely in that marriage, but I was used to being lonely and neglected from my childhood, so....He was devastated when I wanted out. He sometimes says he's still in love with me. A few years ago, he turned to heroin, now he's trying to get clean, but his physical and mental health has deteriorated to the point where I can't see the resemblance to the young, hotshot chef who blew me away back in the day. It's painful to see him suffer, and I regret many of the things I said and did in the last years of my marriage that I know really hurt him, such as coercing him to open the marriage so I could date other people. I carry a lot of guilt around this, right or wrong, I feel partially responsible for the state he's in. I wonder if part of my turn-off towards men lately is because I feel like I'll leave them and destroy them, ultimately.
This current guy friend, he pursued me for a year before I finally agreed to date him, mostly, I think, because so soon after leaving my marriage, I wasn't ready for anyone "serious" and I knew he wasn't marriage material. To my surprise, he wanted exclusivity with me (I said no thanks) and he started using the "L" word. But his actions pushed me away. He needed a great deal of alone time, was inflexible about many things, and he thought I was too "needy." He is also a horrible mansplainer, arrogant and entitled. Definitely a womanizer. My friends either love him because he's goodlooking and smart, or find him totally obnoxious. I wonder what he's actually doing to work on his issues? The other night I was asking him questions about why he feels engulfed by love, why so avoidant, and of course, he didn't know. These people never know, because they don't look deep inside, do they?
To answer your question, I sing mostly 80's pop.
I had to stop taking antidepressants, the side effects are too bad. The ruminating and obsessing about exgirlfriend seems to have let up since yesterday, at least. Now it's just the loneliness and emptiness I need to deal with.
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Post by Namaste on Nov 4, 2019 14:02:49 GMT -8
I totally don't believe in soulmates or twin flames or "the one." I believe in soulmates, I just don't believe we have only one. My first soulmate was Sandra. When she committed suicide I turned to God and he was my soulmate. I married later but he could not compete with God even though I loved him dearly. I have a few years left so maybe I have another one waiting for me. Deep down I believe we are born with a desire to become conscious of a relationship with a loving God and that manifests itself as a desire to find a special person here on earth. I also believe that we are born with a desire to find a divine friendship with ourselves and we project that onto someone special in our lives. For me, once I let go of the idea that my soulmate had to be a man and it did not matter whether he loved me in return, I was FREE. There is an old song: "Looking for love is all the wrong places; looking for love in all the wrong faces."
Lookin' for Love
Johnny Lee
I spent a lifetime lookin' for you.
Single bars and good time lovers were never true.
Playing a fools game, hopin' to win.
Tellin' those sweet lies and losin' again.
I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places.
Lookin' for love in too many faces.
Searchin' their eyes.
Lookin' for traces of what I'm dreaming of.
Hoping to find a friend and lover.
I'll bless the day I discover.
Another heart lookin' for love.
I was alone then, no love in sight.
I did everything I could to get me through the night.
I don't know where it started or where it might end.
I turned to a stranger just like a friend.
I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places.
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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 5, 2019 5:20:29 GMT -8
Thanks, Namaste, I'm so sorry you lost someone to suicide, I can only imagine how difficult that must have been. I remember that song, it was on the radio all the time when I was a little kid.
I'm an atheist, but I do have a deep connection to nature and animals, I just love being outside and critter-watching it fills me with amazement that we share the planet with so many different life forms. I think some animals that have been in my life have been as close to soulmates as it comes!
When I need to thought-stop, something I need to get better at, I picture a big red stop sign, say the word "Stop" loudly to myself (internally) then picture puppies or bunnies, cute little noses bumping up against my hand, fuzzy little heads to scratch.
I've felt something shift in me this past couple days, I think whatever part of me was fantasizing that my exgirlfriend would eventually miss me so much she'd come back...she ain't. And more importantly, I'm not. I was so triggered this past week, and I still didn't feel safe contacting her.
I don't know quite what to do to get out of this sick, stuck feeling. I want to do something BIG. Move somewhere else (but where?). Buy a business (ok but with what $$?) Take some huge chance and let it fail or succeed. Anything to shake me out of this.
Things I'm grateful for today: I live in a beautiful place and rent a house at well below market value. My jobs are fun and give me exercise. I have a writer's group full of strong-minded women who motivate me to keep writing. I have a good singing voice. I just paid back a personal loan in full, five months early.
I'm trying, I really am.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 5, 2019 7:23:52 GMT -8
I think you’re doing great, BunnyEars.
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Post by Sexlessw on Nov 5, 2019 14:45:02 GMT -8
BunnyEars:
A wild YUK to the dudes you were describing. Hopefully your xH is okay now - and not working for Peter Luger's Steakhouse. And this last dude - yeah - no Mansplaining? Just - no. He said you were needy and you gave him all that space - gosh. I just can't imagine WHY he's single! He definitely needs to be kept in the FRIENDS zone - as in FRIEND one infrequently communicates with.
No - your xGF is NOT going to contact you b/c she has moved on. And you will not contact her b/c - by doing so it will just put you back where you were after having made such progress. Those STOP signals which fill your head - they are not to be ignored. Stop means - STOP!
Well, I am jealous of your singing voice b/c I don't have one. I mentioned Courtney Love in another post - picture me singing worse than Courtney. At least she could sing a tune sort of on-key.
And speaking of 1980s pop - your post reminded me of Santana's "Winning", a song which helped me when I was down and out over Aspen in 2006. I hadn't heard it since 1981. Your post above about where you are now - doing better than you think! - brings these lyrics to mind. "Too bad it belonged to me - it was the wrong time and not meant to be. It took a long time and I knew for now I can see the day that I bleed for...I had a dream but it turned to dust. What I thought was love that must have been lust...When I played my hand I looked like a Joker, turn around - Fate must have woke her 'cause Lady Luck she was waiting outside the door. I'm winning...And I don't intend on losing again."
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“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it elsewhere." Buddha