toshi
New Member
I'm an LAA Japan member. LAA Japan was founded last year.
Posts: 9 
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Post by toshi on Nov 3, 2019 6:41:21 GMT -8
What is the definition of withdrawal for love addicts?
It might be on this discusions tag. But my English is not good, so I can't find the thread on this issue.
I asked AA person to be my sponsor. But she told me that I should throw away all my photographs of POA.
I could'nt do that. I cried in front of her. She said, "you are not even in step 1, so we can't make progress about steps any more."
Regarding alchohol or drugs, I can understand they quit it completely at step 1.
It is right my POA sends me e-mails still now that he want to make sex with me. I neglect it, but read it. Finally I answered him "I won't meet you if you will not date me sincerely as steady and not make sex with another ladies.
But he will not. After that, I neglect his e-mails again.
Although I do not answer, I expect the relatioship with him might start again if he could be sincere to me as I indicated above.
Now, I do not meet him. Is that enough to be on step 1 for love addicts?
I admit powerless over love addiction and be unmanageble my life.
I think if I do not start steps, I can't throw away my photos and block him and delete his address.
Starting steps now is more important than throwing away photos or etc.
The topic is shifted to another way, but the thing that I want to say, Do I not have the qualification to start steps?
How far I should walk for withdrawal?
What the difinition of withdrawal in LAA?
Please give me right answer about withdrawal.
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Post by sexlessw on Nov 3, 2019 9:19:30 GMT -8
Toshi:
I never did any Step Work. But I have used a few of the steps in my own recovery.
You are not going to like what I have to say, but here it is, from personal experience.
The woman you asked to be your Sponsor was 100% correct. You need to go full blown NC with your PoA. This means blocking him on your social media and your hand held device. No texts, no phone calls NO CONTACT. And I can tell you THAT HURTS LIKE ANYTHING.
As for the photos, no - you don't throw them away. You compile them if they are digital, into their own folder. You put them under a file name - IDK, something like "Don't Open for the Next 50 Years". Same goes for the text messages or anything else you and he exchanged (gifts, clothing, etc). Put them away and out of sight. Perhaps one day when you are ready you will unearth them and say, "Oh boy! I forgot about that!" If it's out of sight and hard to get to, you won't (hopefully) try to get to them.
No Contact leads to withdrawal. And what is withdrawal? PAIN. ABSOLUTE PAIN. You will feel like you have given up on the ONLY PERSON who could ever make you happy. You will cry. You will feel like the entire world is going to end. You may not even want to get out of bed. EVERY THOUGHT you have will be of him. You will continually think of him, what he is doing, how could he possibly live without you, how could he treat you like this when you have so much to give...Yeah - those are tough.
But then...the pain will end. It's got to end. Remember the pain of Ending will NOT exceed the pain of continuing the relationship. You literally need to GO THROUGH the pain in order to GET OVER him.
I am guessing that you know this, and that is why you do not wish to do NC. To avoid the pain of withdrawal.
How long does withdrawal last? Now, that depends on you and your circumstances. How badly do you wish to end the relationship and become closer to yourself? The first few days of withdrawal are terrible. You take it minute by minute. A few days later, you begin to compile a list of the things in that relationship which were bad, and the things in the relationship which were okay. Then you begin to think, "Maybe he wasn't the person for me, not exactly my everything."
Eventually, if you work it through by whatever means you need to - that is so many other topics - the pain of withdrawal will end. Your mileage may vary.
Of course you are qualified to start any Step work you want to do. Several members are doing that as I type, at all different Steps.
Go and read on this board the Steps and what other members have done there.
I hope that others can chime in here - for I am in no way an expert - just a practitioner.
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,068
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 3, 2019 11:50:32 GMT -8
Hitting rock bottom is when you hurt so badly you’re willing to try anything anybody suggests, to make the pain go away.
It’s when you welcome the NC and hiding the pictures, etc. - for your own peace of mind.
“ It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.”
George Bernard Shaw
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toshi
New Member
I'm an LAA Japan member. LAA Japan was founded last year.
Posts: 9
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Post by toshi on Nov 3, 2019 18:31:51 GMT -8
Thank you for your kind and sincere reply. They healed me off.
I'll try no contact rule from now on. I felt empathy from you two. I could understand every menber in LAA feels same as me.
This is not understood by sane people. I shared this in another self help groop. But they cannot understand my situation and emotion. They said, "why don't you quit it. I cannot understand. If I stand in your situation, I'll delete the address quickly and never contact him".
But I CAN'T.
I can feel all members in LAA experience same situation.
I'll delete my question of this thread in 24hours. Because my sponser might find out my story.
I don't know detail mechanizm of this bulletin. But advices of you two will not disapper hopefully after that.
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Post by sexlessw on Nov 4, 2019 3:57:44 GMT -8
Toshi:
There's no need to delete your posts or thread. Heck yeah, you are ONE OF US! Welcome to our board and the strength of people sharing their experiences. You have found your PEOPLE.
Yeah, those who don't get it, who stand on the outside - you need help and guidance from the folks who have lived it. NC is only a tool. It is not a CURE. You can be in physical NC and still fixate on the PoA with your thoughts and cyberstalking. Your mind and its cravings are hard to manage - people don't understand that. [But wait until they go through a break up! ha!]
If you are feeling unsure, you can PM one of us - just click on our names and send us a private message. We're here to help.
Also, if you feel that your sponsor is checking up on you, come back under a different username. Please - and begin to read the Steps section of this community. You'll see how other L.A.s worked through their journeys.
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