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Post by Namaste on Nov 9, 2019 7:36:01 GMT -8
I am having an emotional affair with a married man. See definition below. I am Asexual so for me it is not about sex or passion. I just found myself a widow and started confiding in this man with whom I have a lot in common. I think he is in love with me but I do not know if it physical or just emotional for him. I feel like I am in a Triangle and want to stop but I am having a hard time letting go. I get more out of our talks than I do with my therapist.
I am an avoidant and an emotional affair suits me. But I know it is wrong because it interferes with his relationship with his wife. It is just hard to give up because I have been searching for emotional intimacy all my life and this is the first time I have found it. I loved my husband but he was very quiet and did not like to talk about his feelings.
I have considered the fact that I am attracted this relationship to avoid grieving my husband but it really started before he died.
I would like some advice on this matter. Thanks.
Definition . . .
The term often describes a bond between two people that mimics the closeness and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship while never being physically consummated. An emotional affair is sometimes referred to as an affair of the heart. An emotional affair may emerge from a friendship, and progress toward greater levels of personal intimacy and attachment. What distinguishes an emotional affair from a friendship is the assumption of emotional roles between the two participants that mimic of those of an actual relationship - with regards to confiding personal information and turning to the other person during moments of vulnerability or need.
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Post by Sexlessw on Nov 10, 2019 4:14:33 GMT -8
Namaste:
Is this MM somebody at work? Usually many EMAs, emotional and physical, happen in work.
Have you asked him? Or more precise, have you TOLD him that you are feeling this way?
When in doubt tell. It's no fun living in pins and needles with your feelings.
Because you know what the next level is if you or he don't say anything to one another.
Next level: Pain.
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Post by Namaste on Nov 10, 2019 8:44:20 GMT -8
The emotional affair is reciprocal. I am no longer interested in unavailable men. I learned that lesson already. He was a friend of my husband and I. I used to be friends with both him and his wife. When I came to them to talk about my feelings around my husband's cancer he was very attentive. He and I had similar childhoods and he really understood me. His wife and my husband did not. One day when saying goodbye I could see in his eyes that he felt the connection.
I pulled back and set up strict boundaries. I could see he was disappointed. Now that my husband is gone he asked me out to lunch. I declined and decided to do limited contact. I have no car and Monday he is taking me on an errand. The last time he did this his wife was with us and she showed signs of jealousy.
I know I need too find a replacement for him who is not married, but right now I feel so alone that their is this huge urge to stay friends and to be really heard and understood when we talk. There is no passion on my part. Just this great joy that somebody understands me and does not judge me.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 11, 2019 4:25:44 GMT -8
This is hard, I know. I know how it feels to be so lonely and needy that you easily fall into an emotional affair. It has happened to me several times.
I’m the wrong person to offer advice, because I handle situations like this badly myself. I just wanted to chime in and say I understand, and offer support.
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Post by Sexlessw on Nov 11, 2019 4:58:08 GMT -8
Namaste:
The W is on to you. She senses it. She's got her spidey sense going on. You live with somebody long enough, you get to know them and their actions very, very well.
I understand the feelings and the circumstances which have led you to feeling a strong connection with this man. And it's sad that you will not be able to have a further connection with him.
You are correct in establishing boundaries and LC with him. However...
He is a MM. He is unavailable in every way. All it will take to end ANYTHING with him is one word from his W. That's it. W lays it down, he's going to toe the line.
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Post by Namaste on Nov 11, 2019 12:26:04 GMT -8
This is hard, I know. I know how it feels to be so lonely and needy that you easily fall into an emotional affair. It has happened to me several times.. I am not lonely. I love being single. I am not needy either. The hook, or potential trap, was that we had so much in common that we really understood each other. The similarities were that our traumatic childhood was the same and that we both reacted in the same way with anger. It was like having a twin that grew up with you and knew everything about you and did not judge you. The relationship diminished my shame left over from the past things I did. It is really hard to explain. It is not sexual. It is like falling in love with yourself by looking in some one else's eyes. He invited me out to lunch and I declined. He got the message about not having a personal relationship beyond friends. I have learned a lot about boundaries and I think I made the right decision. But this brief and poignant affair will make a lovely memory. It reminds me of the novel "The Bridges of Mandson County," which is about a woman who had an affair and went back to her husmand. Every year she sat by the fire and reminisced. This may sound odd, but it was like the unconditional love God gives me only this was in human form. I don't know what else to say except that in recovery you cannot always have what you want. When you do the right thing it is very satisfying after the initial shock of losing a long-standing dream---Unconditional love. On the less poetic side, I think this is why emotional affairs are so common. They are more fantasy that real. If I actually had a affair I would probably be totally unsatisfied. This is the irony of it all. |
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Post by Sexlessw on Nov 12, 2019 4:48:18 GMT -8
Namaste:
Funny you should mention "The Bridges of Madison County". I was thinking about that film the other day. The scene where Meryl Streep is in her husband's pick up truck in the pouring rain and her husband has gone into the store to pick something up. She sees Clint Eastwood's truck through the rain pouring down on the windshield - she reaches for the door handle, God how she wants to go and join him - but she stays put and watched Clint Eastwood drive away.
She stays in the relationship but still follows Clint Eastwood's career from afar. Now, that is more real life for many in EMAs. Not all marriages will crumble because of an EMA. Many marriages survive.
You and I both agree on the "fantasy" element of the EMA (emotional affair in your case).
Good for you for declining his lunch invitation. You did the right thing. Keep in mind the Wife GateKeeper! She's always there, always vigilant! Turf is turf!
One last thing - the man who wrote "The Bridges of Madison County" eventually divorced his wife - I can't recall if it was b/c of an EMA with a much younger woman.
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Post by Namaste on Nov 12, 2019 18:23:29 GMT -8
The last thing he said to me was he wished he and my wife might be friends. This means he want BOTH of us. He told me a long time ago that he was a romance addict so this makes sense. He likes Triangles. I am glad I picked up on this and walked away.
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Post by Sexlessw on Nov 13, 2019 4:01:12 GMT -8
Yeah, no - "let's all be GOOD FRIENDS" is NOT something that works if anybody has attachment issues. He has attachment issues, perhaps you consider yourself a person with attachment issues - that is a relationship with NO right angles.
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Post by Namaste on Nov 14, 2019 16:26:44 GMT -8
Sexless . . . sometimes you can sound a little harsh. You make us both sound like predators. When my husband died I reached out for help and he was the ONLY ONE who responded. I even came to this board and nobody responded. I have done the right thing and it is over. No need to shame either of us. I have enough of that on my own.
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Post by Namaste on Nov 22, 2019 14:07:17 GMT -8
I guess I was being a little defensive. When you said, "She is on to me," I felt ashamed. This guy does business with me and we have never been alone together. I started out helping him with his spirituality and he reciprocated by listening without judgment about my troubled son. He also brought his wife to my husband's funeral. I have decided to opt for "limited contact" which will mean never being alone with him and making sure his wife does not worry about me. If I had someone else in my life who could care but not judge me I would go elsewhere. I get judged about my codependent relationship with my son who has anger issues. This guy understands that I can't do "no contact" with him and he does not judge me. I will keep this thread going to get advice. For now please do not judge or shame me. I am doing the best I can. There are times when you just can't do 'no contact." This is one of those times.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 23, 2019 14:56:35 GMT -8
It sounds like you would benefit from the warmth of having other good friends in your life.
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 24, 2019 8:20:30 GMT -8
Jessica: Sorry I just saw this. "The Bridges of Madison County" hit me hard when I saw it as well. At times we can hang on to those memories of connecting with someone, even if there is no physical contact. At that point we turn to God for unconditional love, as a married man won't offer that. That's a tough situation when no one comes through after your husband passed away except for this man. I understand the feeling of limited contact, as to go no contact is like cutting off a limb with some people in our lives. It sounds like you made good boundaries with him.
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“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it elsewhere." Buddha
