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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 10, 2019 9:30:15 GMT -8
Some days, living alone, I struggle to get enough face-to-face time with other humans, especially on my days off.
It got so bad this week, I volunteered to work extra shifts, lol. My boss is grateful, as is my bank account.
Things I've done lately to try to get closer to people: I invited an acquaintance out for dinner, and we actually went. I said yes to singing at a fundraiser later this month, even though I'm terrified. I tried to organize a field trip with my writer's group.
I'm very grateful that on Friday night, my bestie invited me over. She made us dinner and her husband hid in another room so we could binge-watch historical dramas.
But yesterday, the only face-to-face interaction I had with a human was the clerk at the liquor store. None of my friends, who are all in relationships or have kids at home, felt like hanging with me. I worked on some writing, then settled in with my favorite take-out and a cannabis edible to watch t.v.. I am totally capable of actually ENJOYING a quiet Saturday night by myself, but I've had so many of them since my last breakup, it's like, enough already!
This morning, I desperately texted all my friends, trying to line up something to do today. It gets frustrating constantly having to text people, "Hey, wanna grab a bite? Movie? Beach??" Luckily, two friends said yes to brunch, so I'll see some friendly faces this afternoon. I'm sure I would've had a meltdown if no one wanted to spend time with me today. It takes some of the sting out of coming home to an empty house again tonight.
I think anyone who's middle-aged and single can identify with how hard it can be to make new friendships, let alone find eligible potential dating partners. My job is not one where I meet new local people. Online dating, well, I pretty much have depleted the dating pool in my city, and am now exploring cities further away. I've been messaging someone promising on a dating app, but she lives hours away.
Last night, I honestly considered accepting my ex girlfriend's offer to be "just friends," because at least maybe then I'd have another option for someone to hang out with. I don't think I'm ready for that yet, though.
Talking to people on online forums only goes so far (though it can be a lifesaver when I'm in a really dark place.) Ditto calling friends who live far away. I'm hungry for meaningful, face-to-face, in-real-life companionship.
So what do you all do when you feel hungry for human companionship?
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Post by Sexlessw on Nov 11, 2019 4:52:10 GMT -8
Bunny Ears:
I responded to your other post (your xGF is a slime dog). You understand that "just be friends" can translate into "Let's hook up for sex when I want", right? (for some folks t least)
I think it's a symptom of our society at large. We don't "get out" like we did in the last century. It seems we're stuck behind screens - all fine and dandy, but still. It's isolating.
And, people with children literally can't just up and hangout. Children are time consuming - they are people too.
Are you still living on the island? That's a locational factor.
At least your bank account is doing well. Work is good too.
For myself, I work out. Being unemployed these past few months has been somewhat stressful - but then again, I have my husband so I can't say I'm without companionship or discussion.
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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 11, 2019 5:42:24 GMT -8
Thanks, Sexlessw, I wrote this before I bumped into slimeball last night, when I was still operating under the assumption that she was who I thought she was. Yes, living on an island, population 25000. I think you're right about screens and isolation. Plus everybody trying to be ok being alone and self-sufficient, when we're designed to live in tribes, really. I hate to say it, because I love it here, but maybe I need a bigger city. Though I've lived in Boston (2 yrs) and NYC (12yrs.) It's hard to make friends there, too. Yes, even having someone in the next room when I'm home would feel nice, even if we're not interacting. If you have good talks with your husband, that sounds nice. My ex husband was such a workaholic, when he was home, all he wanted to do was watch tv.. Wait....CHILDREN ARE PEOPLE??  |
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Post by wailingwalrus on Nov 11, 2019 12:05:25 GMT -8
I completely empathise with this. It can be so hard to motivate friends to see you, to draw people out to do something. I've had a weekend pretty much by myself and had no-one I could really invite out. I know in my case I need to be more proactive in motivating others though.
I'm actually a writer myself, and sometimes this can be one of the loneliest actitivites. Just you and a keyboard for hours at a time. Groups do help but they don't tend to meet very frequently unless you're luckier than I am. Also in writer's circles I tend to meet a lot of people much older than me, so having friendships where you meet up is a little bit barred by the age gap.
I think there are sites like Meetup.com where you can search for others with similar interests. But it takes some bravery to attend these things. People always make the point that starting a friendship where you meet in person outside of work etc is hard and takes a leap of faith and possible rejection. I always worry I'm imposing but trying to take the initiative and just bite the bullet with people.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 11, 2019 13:58:50 GMT -8
My thing is that I’m an introvert, but not a hermit. Four evenings out of five, I just want to relax at home, not have to go anywhere or do anything, just veg out. But doing this totally alone....I lived alone for three years. At first, it was cool. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. But gradually it started to wear me down - like I said, I’m not a hermit. I want somebody else (somebody fairly quiet, like me) to veg out with.
And on that fifth day out of five, I do like to get out of my home and GO somewhere. And that’s almost always more fun - and easier - with somebody, than alone.
I don’t really make friends easily. I do better with one person at a time than I do in groups. I’d rather have one or two really close friends than have a big loose group - although big loose groups are good for a person’s social life, I think. They provide lots of variety of activities and they tend to attract new people. Left to myself, I can easily get in a rut of doing the same old activities with the same one or two people.
And since, apparently, I’m the only person in the world who’s weak and desperate enough to dislike being single, who doesn’t think being single is just thrilling and empowering and wonderful ... I feel like I’m at a disadvantage. Being an introvert but still very much wanting to be in a relationship has been one of the curses of my life.
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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 11, 2019 15:38:42 GMT -8
Wailingwalrus, I looked around at some MeetUps but yeah confronting a room full of strangers who already know each other=intimidating! If it was something I really like to do, I might brave it, but nothing so far.
I find if I wait for others to ask me to do things, I'd spend a lot more time alone, so I just bite the bullet and do it. Go after what I want (companionship.) If someone thinks I'm too pushy or needy, oh well. If someone doesn't ever say yes, or initiate at least sometimes, I'll eventually stop asking.
RoseNadler, I'm also an introvert but not a wallflower. I'm also happier in small groups or one on one. But I find I tend to choose extroverts as my besties, and I let them sort of pick up people and through them I end up with a bigger social circle than I would make on my own. Sometimes it backfires, though, when I feel like I can't keep up, like we're at a social event and they're off air kissing everyone while I slink around by the cupcakes, lol.
I HATE feeling like I'm weak and desperate for wanting a relationship! Or that stuff about "until you're happy alone, you'll never get a relationship." It smacks of victim blaming.
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 11, 2019 16:04:24 GMT -8
RoseNadler, I'm also an introvert but not a wallflower. I'm also happier in small groups or one on one. But I find I tend to choose extroverts as my besties, and I let them sort of pick up people and through them I end up with a bigger social circle than I would make on my own. Sometimes it backfires, though, when I feel like I can't keep up, like we're at a social event and they're off air kissing everyone while I slink around by the cupcakes, lol. I HATE feeling like I'm weak and desperate for wanting a relationship! Or that stuff about "until you're happy alone, you'll never get a relationship." It smacks of victim blaming. Yes! All of this! Were we separated at birth? Sometimes I think introversion/extroversion has got to be more like “on a scale of 1 to 10” instead of all one way or all the other. Usually what happens to me is that somebody extroverted decides they like me, and they start including me in their social activities. I’m glad I find these people. I probably wouldn’t have much of a life if it weren’t for them. |
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Post by Namaste on Nov 11, 2019 19:56:57 GMT -8
At some point in my recovery I was ready to find a healthy relationship. I found instructions in Judith Sill's book A Fine Romance. She suggested that you get involved in activities with others so you can observe others before you connect. You will also start out with something in common. The best relationship I ever had was a man I met in an elevator. We eventually got married. It was not love at first sight. I grew to love him as I got to know him over time. Be careful of instant attraction. It is a slippery slope for a love addict.
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Post by Sexlessw on Nov 12, 2019 4:42:12 GMT -8
BunnyEars:
That's what the cupcakes are for - to be eaten goshdarnit!
Hey, at least you're not engaging with anybody. You're stating the fact that you feel lonely - stating what your needs are and asking how to fix/change what is going on. There is no shame in doing that.
Also, you're too darned OLD (not geriatric - I'm almost there) to be worrying about what others think. "Yeah, I'm here, what's the situation, let's do something - you don't like it? That's okay! I'll hang over here with the person who WANTS to do something! Let's go!"
I agree with you about big cities. Boston and NYC are no joke. You are in a place with millions of people, but can still be lonely. I also agree with you about people needing to be surrounded by other people - a GOOD form of "tribalism". That's how the human race came to the fore. Now we are isolated and divided, speaking as an American.
Namaste: You found "love in an elevator"? I'll be darned.
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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 12, 2019 4:43:03 GMT -8
Namaste,
I like that idea. I find, especially if I chose to date men (I lean towards women) that it takes me a looong time to build up attraction to a man. My exhusband I met on the job and he asked me out a million times before I said yes. My last boyfriend I knew over a year before I agreed to date him. Even my last girlfriend, I met though mutual friends and we'd hung out enough that I had time to observe her.
My only instances of instant attraction might be people I met online dating and went home with them too quickly in my excitement. I can't recall a time in recent history met someone at a bar on in the supermarket or an elevator and wanted to date them.
Sadly, many activities I enjoy are solitary (writing) or I do them for work with the tourists (kayaking, cycling) so I don't have energy left to do them socially. Karaoke is fun for me, and I meet a lot of people that way because they sing along with you, you cheer each other on. Several years ago, I got involved in local theater, and that opened up a new friend group. I stopped doing it though because I never got good roles and it was unsatisfying to sit backstage every night for 2 hours to say 2 lines of dialogue.
I don't like sports, so that's out. Maybe take a Spanish class?
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 12, 2019 7:15:38 GMT -8
I met L on Match.com, but this was back in 2001, and I think dating sites were less skeevy then. It was interesting, though: I did not feel an instant attraction to him. I liked him as a person right away, but the romantic/sexual part developed over time.
As I said before, when it comes to friends and group activities, I’m an introvert. Social stuff can be a chore for me. But I know I need to do it, so I go to knitting group and book group. Those activities attract almost all women. Since I’m not looking to date these days, that’s not a problem. One reason why I loathe the idea of dating again is that nothing I’m interested in attracts many men. So to meet men, I’d have to give up my free time and probably spend money to do things I’m not interested in. I would feel like saying something snarky: “Marry me and put me on your health insurance. Then I’ll [watch the football game, get up early to go fishing, listen to you and your buddies babble at the top of your lungs about boring stuff.]”
One of the best things about L. is that we do share some common interests (history, archaeology, reading.) I figure, we’re both so weird, how would either one of us ever find someone else?
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Post by Sexlessw on Nov 13, 2019 4:04:48 GMT -8
Bunny Ears:
Instead of Spanish, can I suggest Chinese? No, I can't - but I found learning another language a good way to blunt some feelings of being all alone. Spanish would be great - it's all around us. AND if you go on YouTube there are so many great "channels" where people teach you every language imaginable.
I'll take my hat off here - I am studying Chinese again using YouTube. My Rosetta Stone program I used before is kaput!
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Post by BunnyEars on Nov 16, 2019 12:48:43 GMT -8
And TOUCH, what are those of us not in a romantic relationship supposed to do about touch?? I guess it's expected that once we're adults, we're ok with not being touched much by other humans?
Besides our romantic partners, who are we allowed to touch? I guess you're allowed to cuddle with children who are close family, but I don't have any. My friends and I hug each other hello and goodbye, or will comfort someone who is upset, but we don't regularly hold hands or cuddle or anything. The only time I really get touched is if I engage with someone sexually/romantically. So it's not shocking that I engage sexually/romantically with little provocation. Basically, if I find someone attractive and they like me back, I take them home asap, no waiting to find out if they're truly relationship material. If it just becomes a one-night or a several-nights stand, so be it. I will totally go home with people I'm not in love with, as long as I'm in "like" and "trust." This is the only way I know how to get enough touch when not in a relationship.
I suspect a lot of the western world is starved for touch. I've heard some people do partnered yoga or pay for massages to get enough human touch. Or they get a cuddly pet for touch. Or you could brush up against people on the bus (just kidding don't do that.) What do you do when you feel starved for touch?
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 17, 2019 13:06:06 GMT -8
Although I have a partner and we live together, touch has been a source of conflict for us, so I’m taking it very slowly regarding him. We have a pet cat, and I try to get a massage every month.
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Post by Sexlessw on Nov 19, 2019 5:11:16 GMT -8
Bunny Ears:
Years ago I read an article about how Western Families and Eastern Families and African Families treat infants. Most of us brought up in the West were pushed into a crib at an early age. Many folks raised in Eastern or African cultures place their babies near the bed for far longer than I was.
Hence some children attaching themselves to stuffed animals or dolls, especially at bedtime. Yes - I was one of those children who slept with a doll.
I read about an APP (what else?) in NYS (where else?) where you could have somebody come and cuddle you at your house. Now, I don't know how safe that is or how vetted the cuddlers are. I thought of that when I read your post.
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“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it elsewhere." Buddha