I ran into ex with woman she dumped me for

BunnyEars:

NEVER ignore that inner voice when you see somebody with somebody else. If it seems "off" at the time - IT IS. Sounds like your xGF was a playa. She had an OW on the side - she was literally jumping from relationship to relationship. Instead of telling you the TRUTH she chose to give you her b.s. excuse as to why she was ending your relationship.

This was ON HER and NOT on you.

Think of it this way. YOU are choosing to MOVE THROUGH and get yourself healthy instead of jumping from person to person. You are attempting the HARD and emotionally crushing (this is painful no lie) SELF WORK to get yourself through. SHE IS NOT. She is going to be forever "stuck" where she is. She is static and WILL NOT change.

Therefore, she is NOT moving on in a self-healthy way. She's moving "on" by doing the SAME OLD THING. Hardly moving on. Just trudging through.

You? You're not standing still. You are figuring your situation out.

Cry, grieve, and lift your head high. Be thankful that your friend was there for you last night. Also be thankful that you are NO LONGER the xGF's GF. Because if xGF treated you the way she did, chances are she will treat her current GF the same way.

I'm speaking from experience on the above.

Thanks, Sexlessw

I had no clue she was a playa. Seriously no clue. She hadn't been in a relationship for 5 years, seemed grounded and kind. But she did mention some stuff when she was younger with an ex she had an "emotional affair" on. I don't know, we all do callous things when we're young. I really wish I wasn't faking being ok. I want to be ok, and I'm soooooo not.

I kind of wish I hadn't been NC, then I would've seen her posts right after we broke up and saw this new woman and I would've dealt with it already before running into them.

Keep your fingers steady! Do not reach for the screen keyboard! Keep what you wrote a thought - or write it down on a piece of paper or the "notes" section of your device. Read it but do NOT send it.

Now, she TOLD you she was a Playa, but you didn't "see" it. When you were with her and she mentioned "being younger" -how old? 30? 25? That's not "younger". Those ages are when you've established your relationship pattern - albeit you may not be aware of it.

People tell us things they may not want us to know. Because are not aware they are telling you. They are unaware of themselves. Remember the old bit of wisdom? "Actions scream. Words Whisper."

What did her actions tell you?

You probably "felt" that she had a new GF. Now you know for sure she does (for now - give it time this new GF may have an expiration date).

You were RIGHT to do NC when you did. You handled yourself well when you ran into her. "Fake it until you make it." Acting like everything was kosher was a good move. Graceful and strong.

What did YOUR actions show her?

In the future DO NOT let the fear of running into her stop you from going to the karaoke spot. Oh and if you see her there again, pick a good song you can belt out about playa types and moving on from them. Oldies like "You're So Vain" and "I Haven't Got Time for the Pain" (Carly Simon) or something more current. I rather like Divine's "You Think You're a Man" - always wanted to belt that one to Aspen.

Bunny Ears:

I'm in your boat too - I am rowing right behind you. I'm not going to give you a bit of faux wisdom on this. Your experience has been my experience. Whenever I used to see Aspen, especially during periods of NC, I would GTFO of where I saw him - and go and cry. Read a my posts from 2014.

When I first left my job location in September 2006 I made sure that I would NOT see Aspen at work. But I still saw him driving because we live 2 miles away from one another. Two miles may as well be 1,000 miles.

Yet a few times I saw him driving as I was walking. How'd I know it was his car - well dontchaknow - I have his license plates MEMORIZED (!!!!). The worst was being outside at work seven months after I left. His location's shift was driving past where I was working outside on overtime. Then...I saw his car coming. I prayed he'd go straight instead of turn. He turned. And drove past and did not LOOK at me. I just began to cry. On the job. After seven months of hard core NC.

I always suggest leaving a place the xPoA is because that is what I've done. I hate that it ruins MY time there, but I don't have the guts to take it and suffer, seeing my xPoA with another person.

You've been on both sides of the break up border, worn both shoes. You can't change her or anybody you've had a relationship with.

Think of it in, like I always preach, short term blocks. This has lasted this long - but it will NOT continue. The longer the pain over the break up, the deeper the addiction, not your "love" for the person. (Howard Halpern aphorism)

How you get to getting yourself THROUGH past rejection, PAST obsessive behavior, and early childhood experiences which impact your relationship structure now - those answers lie within yourself.

Bunny Ears:

Folks IRL, like your friend(s) don't "get" it. They will get sick of hearing about it because, well EVERYBODY ELSE gets OVER these things! Why can't YOU??? That's the general thinking.

It's okay to vent here. We *GET* it.

You're not frozen (like the Madonna song). You're in a rut and have the resource to get out.

Going back to therapy is a positive thing to do. Did you like or get along with your last therapist? Or did you find that the therapist did not help you? Did you go into therapy holding things in and not fully ready to excavate? Give those questions a thought.

Also, a therapist is PAID to listen to you go through your issues. They've heard it all from many clients.

It's hard to make that first step - but the longer you sit and ruminate over things, is the less time you have to get doing the hard work.

BTDT and here I am browbeating you over a keyboard.

Now, I've got to feed my flock and get ready to go to my workout. I'm done browbeating you for the morning.

Last night I got a call from drama-queen woman I dated briefly who is now in another relationship in another state. I was very lonely, and curious, and picked up. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I had been thinking about her between stewing over the ex who dumped me, kind of realizing my part in triggering her inherent drama-queen-ness with my own emotional unavailability.

There was a bit of ugliness as we rehashed, for the hundredth time, what happened between us. This time I actually apologized for some of my actions, admitted what I did wrong, which I don't think I'd done before.

Man, I'd forgotten how smart she is, and when she turns that razor-sharp brain on me, it feels like being a butterfly pinned to a board, you know? She remembers so many details of our time together that I didn't. Where was I? Disassociating because of emotional trauma? Too drunk? Too affected by the recreational adderall/marijuana I use to really be present? She repeated back to me things that I said, and didn't even remember. Before I knew it, I was in tears, because she was sooooo right about me. I was viciously hot and cold with her. I mean, I understand why: I liked her, but she overwhelmed me, so I kept pushing her away until my nervous system relaxed enough, then I'd invite her back in and try to be close until she overwhelmed me again.

What's crazier, she intuited what's happening with me right now perfectly. "You've checked out of your life, I can hear it in your voice. I'm worried about you."

None of my friends who see me like twice a week has noticed this or expressed worry about me. She's right, I'm completely checked out. "Frozen" is the word I used earlier. I expect failure and disappointment from the world so don't really care to do much of anything.

I think I'd better make an appointment this afternoon, get some help or meds that don't make me feel sick. I've got to check with my insurance if there's any option besides the counselor I saw before, who wasn't much help. I've found the problem is I already know myself very well, no therapist has ever told me anything I didn't already know or led me to any breakthrough. Basically, I just use them so I don't vent to friends too much.

As for the drama queen, I'm wary of letting her back into my life, even as a phone-friend. I don't understand why she'd want me after all that, especially if she's happily living with another woman. She says she still thinks I'm a "magnificent creature" and cares about me, and is sorry she tried to push for more than a friendship even when I told her I didn't want more than that. Yeah, maybe. Or there is something about me that feeds her in some way I can't quite grasp.

I hear you, RoseNadler, now is the time to be extra-cautious.

She's got some martyr syndrome where she gives and gives to people who don't give back, and attaches way too fast and hard. Definitely not healthy. But sometimes we take what we can get for emotional support, like those baby monkeys in that awful experiment where they had to choose between food or a stuffed comfort "mother," and they chose the mommy and starved.

We're told we're supposed to prefer being alone to being around someone unhealthy, but what if no one healthy wants to be around us? We all need people, no one is an island. Someone I pay to listen to me doesn't feel like support. And you guys are great, but at the end of the day, you're just words on the screen.

I don't know. At this point, she's just a familiar voice on the phone. I can't imagine getting too involved, I'm not about to devote much attention to a long-distance "friend" when I'm not interested in rekindling a romance, and I assuredly am NOT. It was a very intense talk, though, and it woke me up from my numbness for a split second.

I suspect drama queen contacted me because I am a POA to her. I can't think of any other reason, really, why she'd keep coming back to someone so inconsistent.

Last night was interesting, went to an event I knew friends were attending, including the friend whose shoulder I cried on when my ex showed up at karaoke a few days ago. One of my other friends who was there got dumped years ago by her longterm boyfriend who immediately married someone else, and her ex and his wife were also at this event. She started confiding in me how all these years later, she still wasn't over it, but doesn't feel like she is allowed to talk about it with most people, and she still hates being in the same room with them. I suspect our mutual friend told her about my meltdown the other day, or maybe it was just coincidence, but it was nice to hear I'm not alone in not being able to move on easily. I didn't feel like talking about my ex and her new girl, so I just told my friend I also struggled to let things go and didn't think it was at all weird to still feel bad long after the fact.

On my way home I stopped for a nightcap at my favorite gay karaoke bar, sat down at the bar, and a very cute, much younger man starting chatting me up, told me I was beautiful, and asked me for my number and if we could go out. That never happens to me! Great ego boost. I'll totally go out with him despite the ridiculous age gap, he's very nice, smells wonderful, and isn't bothered that I told him I usually prefer women (he's bi too.) Canoodling happened. So apparently I still got "it."

I have tried online counseling, it was overpriced and I sometimes suspected the counselor was speaking from a script. It was helpful as a vent, but not much else. I checked with my insurance, the therapist I was seeing before is the most affordable option. That place has a psychiatrist on staff too so I can talk to someone about meds. I tried to make an appointment but have to wait for them to call me back.

This week I accidentally noticed my ex's new girlfriend works for a particular water-sports company, which happens to have a spot I pass by every day with my bike tour, and now it seems she got my ex a gig there. So I've seen my ex a bunch of times this week. Fun. So far, I've been just staring straight ahead with my hat pulled down over my eyes pretending not to notice her. I hate this.

How do I stop letting the sight of her be a "trigger?" I am going to run into her, we have mutual friends, it's a small community, and trying to constantly avoid it is stressful. I'm staying home from events where I could potentially meet my person because she will be there. But when I see her, my whole body goes into fight-or-flight mode, I either become anxious or angry or both, and my brain feels hijacked for hours afterwards.

She's far from the most beautiful woman I've ever been with, she's not well educated or cultured. She wasn't deeply connected to nature, not an animal person like me. She could be too loud and argumentative and at moments a downright jerk. But she's not an awful person, I don't need to feel this resentment towards her. She treated me generally well while we were together, she broke up with me when she started feeling a connection with someone else, and that's her right. I hate that I can't just chill even after 5 months.

But it's like she represents every person who has not chosen me, not loved me. It strips me down to feelings that, sure, I can attract people in the short-term because I'm cute and smart and funny, but once someone gets to know me, they realize I've got a black hole inside, and I'm too difficult and not worth attaching to. I feel humiliated if she looks at me, like suddenly I see myself through her eyes and she knows I'm lonely and pathetic and can't find anyone. It's illogical,but my brain gives way to my emotions on this issue.

On the bright side, I had a minor victory last night when I realized I was suddenly NOT triggered by being at the same event with a different ex, the NPD woman I dated briefly about 7 years ago, who actually WAS extremely beautiful (former runway model) and well-educated and our ending was far more brutal than with this most recent ex, and I obsessed over her for years afterwards. Last night, I noticed her at an fundraiser I was singing for and it didn't affect me at all. I'm not sure if she saw me sing, or came in after, and I didn't care. Even months ago, that would've made me nuts. Yay, me, and it only took 7 years and a new painful breakup to get there.

As for the cute young guy who I exchanged phone numbers and kisses with at the bar last week? Ghosted. Oh well, I knew he wasn't gonna be "the one" but it would've been fun. I met a woman last night who we hit it off and she gave me her number, so at least that was nice.

Thanks RoseNadler I needed that virtual hug!

You make a good point, it kind of sucks either way. This ex ended things face-to-face in a civilized manner, there was no shouting or storming out. She held me while I cried and stayed with me until I felt ready for her to leave. She didn't backtrack or mess with my mind (a couple pings here and there.) I don't get to be righteously angry because she didn't really do anything wrong, except not want me anymore.

I'm at least glad I've acted mostly with dignity throughout all this, at least outwardly. Even if I'm struggling on the inside, to all appearances I cut her loose without drama.

But I'd say, thinking back to the NPD breakup, it's better if they're nice. It was no easier to let someone go who treated me like stuff at the end, plus I was nearly eaten alive with rage for how she just disregarded my pain entirely.

Thanks Sexlessw,

This weekend so far I'm struggling to thought-stop, my rumination is still way too much, like my brain is looping on some variation on getting dumped/being lonely/being unlovable/feeling frozen 65%-70% of the time. Even when I'm engaged in something else, this THING is always right under the surface. It's exhausting trying to function around it.

This weekend. Worked some, saw a movie with my bestie. Went to dinner with the red-haired woman whose number I got the other night, but I wasn't feeling her romantically. Then I felt bummed because that was the first time I can remember where I've gone out with someone and they haven't texted me after to say they found me attractive and want to see me again. So then I started struggling with a "no one wants me" narrative, which caused me to message a guy I know is interested in me.

I don't remember if I mentioned this dude on here. I went out with him about a month ago, and I slept with him, and he's very cute, warm, and a celebrity (reality t.v.) He's bisexual too so he kind of gets me on that front. But I wasn't feeling him romantically despite all that,either because chemistry, or because he's a man, or because my heart has been ripped out, I don't know which. So I just kind of faded on him afterwards. He lives a few hours away and is a busy guy, so he messages me once in a while but doesn't push to try to see me.

Anyway, he admitted to me yesterday that he can't get me off his mind, is sad that I'm not as into him as he's into me, because he's sure I'm the woman for him, and is down for a relationship with me 100%. See now, this sort of thing happens to me sometimes, so I can't even say "no one wants me." I have BEEN the object of desire (POA) almost as often as I've been the one suffering unrequited love. Unfortunately, I seem to create this unsatisfying dynamic, whichever side of it I happen to be on.

I was totally honest with the guy about where I'm at, and he is accepting but also thinks if I just get to know him, I will fall for him. A big part of me thinks I should see him again and give it a chance. I know men are a slow burn for me, but not impossible. Another part of me says I'd just be "settling" and using him to balm my ego and get my need for attention met.

Anyway, tonight I'm going to see a show with friends and REALLY hoping I don't run into any exes. So that, dear readers, is my weekend so far.

Help!! Something really hurtful happened tonight. I went into my karaoke bar, and there they were, ex and girlfriend, ex was looking right at me. I turned and walked out, then walked back in trying to be brave, then panicked and walked out again.

I went home. I put my head in my hands, feeling helpless and hopeless for like half and hour Then I texted my three besties, made them all meet me back at the bar. That karaoke bar is MY house. I cannot give it up for her.

Got my drinks, put in my songs, I said a quick "hi" to ex, she said "how you doing?" I gave a thumb's up. I moved on and rotated around with all my friends.

At one point, ex and girlfriend disappeared into bathroom together for like 10 minutes. There's a chalkboard in the lady's room. After, when I went to the restroom, I got to see written on the chalkboard: "Lovebunny's ex hearts what's her name" written on the chalkboard.

Why would she do that knowing I'd see it? Whenever I have broken up someone and knew they hurt over it,I went out of my way NOT to flaunt new lovers in their face. She's no fool, she must've known I'd see that and feel a certain way about it. It's not as if I'm bothering her or contacting her, I know I'm not wanted. So why do I feel like it was personal? My friends tried to tell me she just wasn't thinking, is just caught up in new relationship, but again, she isn't an idiot, she knows me, and I know she saw me struggling to come inside in the first place. Whether it was malicious, insensitive, or insecurity, or whatever, yeah, it made me feel badly about myself.

Thank god for my friends who would not let me cry or leave, who stood out front with me and talked me down. I'm just not understanding why someone who said they cared about me would, whether out of carelessness or maliciousness, do something to hurt my feelings.

I don't think I will sleep much tonight.

One of my friends thought her girlfriend probably wrote it, which seems plausible. But I feel like if it had been me, I would've asked my new lover not to do that, out of respect for my ex's feelings. But she's a coward. I know when I've dumped someone who I know felt hurt, I avoided their hang-outs and work places as much as possible, especially when with a new partner. It's called being compassionate. Now, there are only 2 gay karaoke bars on the whole island, and I know she went there too sometimes before she met me, but not that much, and neither her or new girl sing, it is just annoying a.f. I feel like I introduced her to this fun thing just to have her share it with someone else.

My friends were amazing. I am so grateful. I felt surrounded by love, not just my 3 besties but even the more casual friends who happened to be there, the fun gay boys who let me cuddle up on them and the bartender who is always so happy to see me. Even some friends-of-friends who I'd never met before were totally on my side when someone told them what was happening. One of my friends, when we'd stepped outside a minute, cracked me up because I started to tear up and she said quite seriously, "Do not cry, or I will slap you. You're not going back in there with red eyes and wet cheeks, I mean it!" I really think she would have, lol. Needless to say, I did not cry.

I can't decide which scenario bothers me more, if she did it intentionally, or if she just honestly has no thoughts about me. I really thought this person cared about my well-being, even if she didn't see me as "the one."

How the heck am I supposed to trust people when they can change right before your eyes? Ugh.

At least now the worst has happened, the thing I feared, that if I spent time in the same place as her, I'd feel humiliated and obsessive, has happened, and I'm still alive and I don't think I made too big a fool of myself. Nothing left to fear, I can go wherever I want.