RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 24, 2019 10:23:39 GMT -8
Right now I’m having a combination pity party/temper tantrum. (All inside my head, of course; I’m able to act normal.)
Last night I asked L to cuddle with me, and he did it, but he was sort of stiff and awkward about it. That hurt, and I’ve been feeling mostly lousy ever since - although everything seems normal between us. This morning, he went off somewhere by himself - museum? State library? Who knows?
I went grocery shopping, and now I’m going to a movie by myself. I know I should feel lucky that I get to see the movie at all, and empowered and independent, yada yada yada. But mostly, what I feel is disappointed at doing this alone.
I *can* do it alone, yes. I’ve seen movies alone literally dozens of times. But it would be more fun with someone else. I feel like I’m not allowed to say this, though. I’m supposed to be empowered, independent, yada yada yada.
I really don’t see the point of living if all I’m going to get out of life is years of boring work and having to do things by myself. No, don’t worry - I’m not going to do anything to myself. But I think I will skip medical checkups and vaccinations, and let nature take its course.
There. Temper tantrum over. I feel a little better now.
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Post by Namaste on Nov 24, 2019 11:50:26 GMT -8
I am not taking sides, but I was in a similar situation only I am the one who couldn't cuddle. I never figured out why. I think it is because my father was too affectionate when I was a child. My husband just died and one of the things I loved about him was that he accepted this about me. When he wanted to cuddle I would try for a few moments, get anxious, and then get up and go sit in a chair. I always felt so much guilt about this but my husband never complained. The night he died he reached for me and I went to lie down on a twin bed we kept in the room with us. When I woke up, and he had passed, I was so overwhelmed by remorse. Then I remembered all the good things I did for him and forgave myself. I am a good person, but I have my own emotional issues. Over the years, I have noticed that people are different. Some people like to cuddle and others don't. You can either accept this or if it is a deal breaker, move on. Getting angry is not going to solve the problem.
I hope I don't sound like I am lecturing you. It is great that you are asking for what you want. If it is a "need" then keep asking or move on. If it is only a "want" then maybe there is something else he can do to prove his love for you.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 24, 2019 13:12:52 GMT -8
No, I know it’s my fault for wanting things I shouldn’t want.
He used to be more affectionate. Then we had our trouble and separated for a while. We’re back together now, but I know it does take time to repair a relationship.
When I got back from the movie he was home, and everything seems normal. When I said I’d been to the movie, he said he wanted to watch his money a bit because we’ve been eating out a lot; we went to a movie last weekend, etc. I then said that I guess I could have invited him to come with, and paid for both of us. I think he would have liked the movie (“The Good Liar” with Ian McKellen and Helen Mirren.)
I hear what you’re saying about accepting him as he is. Even when our relationship was at its absolute best, I think he was more cerebral about it, and I got into the physical and emotional parts more. We have different love languages. Mine are touch and words; I suspect his are acts of service and gifts.
I wish I felt brave enough to tell him, it’s not about how much money he spends on me, taking me to dinner and movies. I’d trade some of that for a whole-hearted cuddle session about once a week.
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Post by Namaste on Nov 24, 2019 14:23:26 GMT -8
No, I know it’s my fault for wanting things I shouldn’t want. It is NOT your fault or his. You can want anything you want. Just don't pursue them to the gates of hell. My case is only one example. Others include him not being interested anymore. (This needs much more proof than not wanting to cuddle.) Or just past the romantic phase into the companionship stage. Cuddling is romantic and for some of us it is only there in the beginning. Before I got married to Frank I was more interested in cuddling. It just did not last as long for me. I think Frank was just more romantic all the way through. This is normal in my opinion. I am an ambivalent so I think the honeymoon period is over rated. What is important is for you to stand up for yourself and ask for what you want. Just make sure your prioritize your needs and wants. Not everything is a deal breaker. I am just grateful that Frank did not give up on the whole relationship because I was a little less romantic as time wore on. I did love him with all my heart. I had issues and he accepted this. I looked at the big picture and what we had together as a whole was much more important than romance. P.S. I was romantic in other ways. For instance he never bought me presents but I gave him presents to express my appreciation for his patience with me. Finally, don't be hard on yourself. You are doing great Rose.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 24, 2019 14:45:00 GMT -8
Thank you for answering me. It’s really helping to talk this over with you.
I notice other things L does that tell me his feelings - especially his facial expressions, the look in his eyes, etc. Those things have been consistently good. And he will give me a quick kiss on his way in or out, squeeze my hand back if I squeeze his hand, etc. I really suspect that I place far too much importance on physical affection.
When I was in my young teens all the way through my late 40s, I was accustomed to men being very physical with me. In fact, I wouldn’t go out on a date with a guy in the first place if I wasn’t pretty sure I wouldn’t mind making out with him. They almost ALL tried it. I did go out with a guy in high school a couple of times who might have liked me more than I realized. He hardly touched me at all, so I thought he wasn’t really interested. I look back on it now, and I do remember he was shy with girls and generally polite. His sister was the one who set up our first date.
When L and I first met, I honestly wasn’t sure where I wanted things to go. Believe it or not, I was in a healthy state of mind at the time - about as healthy as I’ve ever been. We met on Match.com, emailed for a couple of weeks (this was 2001; texting wasn’t a thing yet), and did not get too physical the first few times we met IRL. I even remember asking him after about a month, “Are we dating, or are we just friends, or what?” I honestly couldn’t tell what he wanted, and I still didn’t know exactly what I wanted. It wasn’t love at first sight for me; my feelings simmered very slowly. We didn’t have sex until we’d known each other about three months.
When we’d been dating about six months, I moved about 100 miles away to take a job. We agreed to take turns visiting each other at the weekends. I had a cat; and L went out and bought a litter box and dishes for his apartment that were identical to the ones my cat had at my place - so I could bring her when I visited him, to help her feel comfortable there. I think that was when I knew I loved him.
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Post by Namaste on Nov 24, 2019 15:50:15 GMT -8
The look of love Is in your eyes The look your heart can't disguise The look of love Is saying so much more Than just words could ever say And what my heart has heard Well it takes my breath away
When I was first in recovery I went all the way from domestic violence to thinking relationships had to be perfect. It was all or nothing because I was so a romantic. Then I met my husband Frank. He had problems and I thought I needed to leave. To my therapist's horror I stayed with him when I found he was a drug addict. The deal was he needed to quit cold turkey to keep me. He did and we got married. To this day people criticize me for this. What I got in return was a lovely man who was more quiet than I would have liked but patient with my own faults like my codependency with my son. No one should try to tell you whether the good outweighs the bad. Only you know what you need to be happy. I just know that healthy relationships are reciprocal and as long as Frank adored me and stayed clean and sober I was happy. We were together 13 years when he passed away. I learned a lot from my marriage and now I am more mellow. It comes with age. Whatever you decide, think carefully before your throw in the towel. Pray about it rather than asking your friends. Do what is right for you and let everything else go. And don't forget you can always change your mind. Nothing is carved in stone except your love for yourself and your love for God. Keep us posted on your relationship . . .
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