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Post by runrunrun on Jun 20, 2012 13:21:41 GMT -8
My dad died last friday night. He was a distant parent pretty much the whole time. I was never close to him. When he died I felt relieved that he was no longer suffering. I didnt cry. I really felt nothing at all except glad that he was not suffering anymore. He was sick for many years. My family told me he passed away and then I went on with my day.
Is this strange? Has anyone ever felt this way? I feel like I should be upset. My dad died. But I feel nothing.
Maybe I grieved the loss of a father/daughter relationship a long time ago. I dont really know. I feel bad that I was a distant daughter after I grew up. I feel bad that he wasnt much of a father. But I have had these feelings for a long long time.
Trying to make sense of this. Any input? RRR
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Post by wahinewha on Jun 21, 2012 1:27:55 GMT -8
My father suffered before he passed also.
I did not cry and my fathers funeral.
I think in time feelings will start to float to the top for you, you might be in a delayed emotional state, I have experienced this many times.
I'm sorry to hear about you Dad.
Blessings
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Post by Loving My Life on Jun 21, 2012 5:14:37 GMT -8
rrr, it is possible that you have grieved his death already, b/c you were not close. And your situation sounds alot like mine with my mom, she was such a raging alcoholic, when she died when i was 16 yrs old, i dont think i ever cried, i was relieved that she was finally at peace, and i did not have to listen to her anymore, my mother caused me alot of pain and embarrassment as a child. But there is no time table on grief, so just take one day at a time. I sorry for your loss. Hugs to you.
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Post by changedman on Jun 21, 2012 13:27:39 GMT -8
My dad died last month and I did not cry also. He had abused my mom and cheated on her countless of times. I have resolved to be different from him. I am faithful and loving to each woman in my life.
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Post by brainhealth on Jun 21, 2012 17:25:14 GMT -8
Run,
Forgive yourself - this is the hardest thing to do - but, unless we do this we can never move on. Forgive your Dad.
Really sorry for your loss.
Brainhealth
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Post by txthinker on Jun 21, 2012 18:34:27 GMT -8
Hi Run,
I'm so glad I came across your post. My "birth father" is in Stage 4 cancer, he's been given 9-12 months .. I'm having a hard with it because I really do not know how to act. He was non-existent in my life and has said some hurtful things in the past. I feel like trying to mend a relationship now would only be superficial, but then again, would I regret it later? This is a very difficult time for me. I'm relieved to see other women who are dealing some of the same personal issues as me.
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Post by brainhealth on Jun 21, 2012 21:48:01 GMT -8
tx,
Very difficult for anyone to advise in yr situation. However, when in doubt, first do no harm. If I were you I would bite my lip, eat humble pie and make your peace with your father. The worst possible damage it can do is to hurt a little bit of pride in you. My mother is 86 this year and she has done my head in all my life. SO, I know a little about this. In fact, we all knoiw a little about this and it is so frustrating dealing with our parents a lot of the time.
Good luck with the reconciliation!
Brainhealth
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Post by bklynrn on Jun 22, 2012 1:12:15 GMT -8
So sorry about your dad, Run. My dad died when I was young and I NEVER cried. Not once and thought ''I should'' be crying while at his funeral...everyone but me seemed to be crying. It takes much time to tap into grief, sadness and even anger. Took me over 20 years to feel it and during those years my surpressed/repressed emotions were being acted out in other areas in my life but I never knew it. Run, Regardless to what type of father he was, there is someone inside you who feels his loss. Either now upon his death or for what he never was to you as a girl. Maybe you're just not ready to feel it or maybe you don't want to feel. Everyone grieves differently and at different stages. As Love addict, this is a HUGE part of our problem. We are overly emotional or displace our emotions into areas of addiction, acting out ect ect--when our ''real'' feelings about real life are stuffed away somewhere, that we seem to have numbed or they even seem non-existent. I would think I was ''handling'' situations well because I wasn't emotional. But my feelings were always there, they didn't just vanish, they came out in other areas of my life ,when I was not aware. This can be a good time in your recovery to do some healing, Run.
Again, So sorry for your loss
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jun 22, 2012 2:51:04 GMT -8
Hi Run, Whatever the case, if you are still to feel the grief, or whether you don't feel sad, it's all OK. It's all understandable. I don't have any experience with it except to say I think about my parents dying (they haven't) and I don't feel sad about it. Like you, I hope they don't suffer. I'm sorry I couldn't be more forgiving towards them now. But it helps me to understand how they couldn't give me what I wanted either. We all do the best we can. xx
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Post by runrunrun on Jun 22, 2012 3:11:06 GMT -8
Thanks so much for the words of advice. I dont feel so weird anymore. I talked to my sister and found out none of them ever cried either and that we are all just releived that he is no longer suffering.
I suppose maybe I grieved the loss of relationship a long time ago or maybe I have stuffed those feelings so deep that it will take years for them to surface.
So different from when my brother died. It was instant pain, loss and grief.
Maybe theres a step that can address this.
RRR
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Post by LovelyJune on Jun 22, 2012 3:52:18 GMT -8
I didn't get the chance to read other replies, but I wanted to comment anyway...We so often fall prey to our culture's ideal of "Family" We think that a biological family member must be close and we must feel a strong bond toward them. This would have been true had he been there, in your environment and raised you. But if he were distant, there's no real connection. Maybe you never had to grieve the loss of him at all. Maybe you were content to not know or have him around. It's perfectly acceptable. I certainly don't grieve the loss of my Uncle Jack, simply because I never knew him. What matters is closeness. Not biology. I would just hate to see you dig for hidden meaning in this, like you suppressed something, when, you might also want to consider that there may be a simpler truth: We simply grieve the loss of those we are close to, not those we do not know. Whether they are related or not. Look into both possibilities.
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Post by runrunrun on Jun 22, 2012 8:56:01 GMT -8
LJ. makes perfect sense to me. Thanks. No we were never close. He was hardly ever there. More distant than an uncle to me. So yeah why grieve the loss of someone who I hardly knew?!
RRR
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Post by Herenow on Jun 22, 2012 16:52:39 GMT -8
rrr I had the same feeling about my grandmother, she was difficult and we weren't close. What I later witnessed was someone who lost a grandmother who was warm and sweet and really there for my friend. It was like a light went out when the grandmother died. I got it then that sometimes when the connection is not really there the grief isn't either. Time will reveal more feelings (or not ) as you go along. And I am sorry for your loss, both his death and the fact that you were not close to your father.
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Post by bklynrn on Jun 23, 2012 2:31:56 GMT -8
Hi Run,
One thing I want to share is this and this post happened to bring it up for me...i never knew my dad and when I started to grieve and feel, it wasn't for the person he was--cause I didn't know who my dad was. He was there in body but didn't care for me and he wasn't a father to me. I grieved the loss of what never was. For the relationship that never was and for what the girl in me craved for as I grew up. Growing up and seeing friends with these great dads made me sad and even envious. Even NOW,I can still feel that missing part of not having a father, when I see my best friend's relationship with her dad. She can call her father for advice and she has this awesome man in her life and a man who she truly can rely on to be there for anything. An unconditional love from a man, that only a parent can give. That's the loss I feel when I tap into the grief around my dad and the dad he never was and never will be for me...I remember being in my early 20's and going to friends weddings and when they had the ''daddy's little girl'' dance---I would always walk out. I didn't want to feel that feeling and at the time, I didn't know what I felt..little things like that and I when I began to feel his loss, it wasn't attached to my dad who was this loving caring dad and great role model...I didn't know him at all but I felt the loss of what never was....make sense?
Just had to share this and thank you for sharing this part of yourself Run. It helped me remember again and that's ok. I always need to remind myself that feeling some grief is ok, as long as it's in the ''right'' place
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Post by LovelyJune on Jun 23, 2012 3:41:08 GMT -8
GREAT point, BK!
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Post by runrunrun on Jun 23, 2012 3:47:29 GMT -8
Thanks for more replies. bklyn, I can feel your loss too. Its very similar what I feel. I am glad you posted your feelings here. THey help.
requin, funny you say that. My sister said she didnt cry either when our dad died and that she grieved more for pets who passed away.
Ok this brings up some deep inner child stuff that was probably meant to be brought up in my life about now. But here goes. My relationship with my parents probably is the cause of my love addiction. All my life I felt like I could never have a man in my life. Like I wasnt worthy enough or it wasnt 'in the stars'. My dad was an absent dad from day one. I never had boy friends growing up. Just boys who were just friends. I always wanted one man in my life who loved me but never had that. And I always felt like I wasnt worthy. I always felt less than.
Even during my 15 year marriage I didnt have a man in my life. I married a man who was a carbon copy of my dad. What a surprise that is. They both even had the same job. My husband was absent all the time. He was in the navy and kept reenlisting until they kicked him out (high year tenure). He stayed on sea duty the whole time he was in and deployed for 6 months every year and a half. OF the 15 years we were married we had 3 anniversaries together. Even when he was home he was never around. Always working. Always gone doing his own thing. Always emotionally detached.
I always wanted a son too. Maybe I felt like that was the only way I could have a male who loved me. But I had 3 daughters.
I have had many relationships with men over the last 10 years. But they were all short lived and with the wrong men. I was looking for love in all the wrong places for sure!
I think I need to do the ACA 12 steps or work on inner child stuff. This passing of my father brings up a lot of inner child issues that are probably overdue for being dealt with.
I too see people with their parents a lot. Doing things. Getting along. Being a family. And I think that if my parents did half what these other parents do with their kids that I wouldnt be as messed (putting it nicely) up as I am. There are parents in my kayak club who bring their kids along with them everywhere. These kids do everything with their parents and their parents make them priority. I am happy to see it. But it always makes me feel that if my parents would have put half that much effort into raising me I wouldnt be so messed up.
RRR
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Post by bklynrn on Jun 23, 2012 4:26:18 GMT -8
Hi Run,
I also felt not worthy unless i was doing something for a man.....be it sex, or care taking or just doing something that met his needs. I felt if I didn't do something, then I'm just not worthy of his attention or even his presence in my life. Sad... when I see fathers with their daughters, in a loving functional relationship , I wish i can just tell that child or even woman, how fortunate she is and embrace that dad of yours cause you have no clue what it feels like to go without one. It hits me in my core and I feel the loss of what never was and wonder how things would have been if my dad was alive and well....
I remember when I was about 13-14 and my best friend was cursing about her dad to me about him being so unfair because he wouldn't allow her to go to this party. She said she hated him and wished he was dead ect ect...as a kid, I was told I had this ''old soul'' quality...i remember saying to her ''well, at least you have a dad'' . Cause my dad had already died. I remember almost crying and then put up my stoic front and I moved in on her dad. Meaning, I wanted to be a ''good child'' in front of him and then have my friend listen to him and understand him so I can get some of his love and attention too. d**n, just writting that out now has me in tears. I was so desperatly seeking a daddy figure, love, approval, adoration from a man...I carried that with me into my late teen, 20's, 30's...sad and I need a good cry about this part of me. I'm glad I'm not alone in this Run and I feel the same feelings.
Yes, This is a good time go into the inner child and face this part of yourself. Were here to support you...
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jun 25, 2012 4:54:40 GMT -8
I feel for you Run. I still notice the thought "Why don't my parents really care about me?" And it was the same with my PoA- "Why doens't he care more about me?" We had a reading at CoDA tonight about family and forgiveness. It was really good. I'll see if I can put it up here somehow.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jun 25, 2012 4:57:50 GMT -8
I'll start a new thread and paste it in. xx
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Post by runrunrun on Jun 27, 2012 13:34:41 GMT -8
Thanks Jacara!
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Post by brainhealth on Jun 29, 2012 16:25:29 GMT -8
Run,
I think all our childhood experiences jinxed us. I lost my father when I was 8. He died. From what ? A heart valve problem in 1966. Like an apendix operation now. My mother had to go out to work as he had no life insurance. She did my brother and I proud - but, while we won a breadwinner, we lost both parents when my dad died. She had to fight all our battles.
Now, I would like to share something with everyone on this board. I have a wonderful daughter of 25 and last weekend she was at some sort of concert and she called me and said the following" I love you daddy, I love you when I am leaving the house and you hug me"!!! Now, that was an insight to me I have to say. In fact, before she said that to me I read the posts above in a totally different light. It wasent until she said that to me that I started thinking about your thread Run and realising that I hadent fully appreciated what was being said by everyone so I reread all the posts. I now understrand the importance of a daddy in a girl's life. I feel so lucky that God has given me such a wonderful daughter.
This post is slightly different from my usual ones. But, I felt a need to share this with you Run and, the other kind people who contributed to this thread.
brainhealth
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Post by runrunrun on Jul 4, 2012 13:13:01 GMT -8
Brain, thats awesome. It warms my heart.
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