Post by bdzc on Dec 18, 2011 21:12:18 GMT -8
Hey guys...
To sum my story (I already posted in the newcomers thread): Had a one night stand with a friend I was really into, he seemed into me too, but turns out he wasn't because he went back to his ex. I'm a torch bearer I think, at least what I can say without hesitation is that I'm obsessive, especially when things don't go they way I wanted them to. I thought I dealt well with frustration, mais no.
I been having ups and down in my feelings about the situation and my POA. It's been a month since he went back to his ex. For the past couple of weeks I've been having intrusive thoughts about him, I've fantasized about him in past and future terms (ie. imagining I tell him I like him as more than a friend before we did anything; imagining he breaks up with girlfriend and comes to me), I've felt angry at him and at myself, at my romantic life, I've felt helpless, sad.
But I've also been trying to do something about all these feelings. At first I tried stopping these thoughts about my POA, but although it helped for a while it didn't in the long run. For me at least, resisting the thoughts made it worse, so I applied a different perspective: allowing myself to think about my POA and grieve, understanding it's part of the deal when you "love" someone who doesn't love you back, that it's OK to feel hurt.
This method definitely gave me more mental peace than the other one (I felt kind of desperate telling myself to stop thinking about him every five minutes or so,
).
After integrating this logic into my thinking, I thought I could contact my POA again. My thinking was something like: "Why should I not talk to him if I want to? We might never be together as a couple but I still appreciate him as a friend....besides by not contacting him I'm acting as if I'm mad at him when, really, there's nothing to be mad at him for...it's me who developed feelings, he never promised anything, I had expectations."
So, I contacted him through chat...I asked him about a course he had recommended to me once. We started talking, the conversation moved from the recommendation to our old pseudo-intellectual talks. He said some things that bothered me, and going along with my new found philosophy about expressing what I feel, I decided, later that day once he was offline, to tell him that those things he said weren't OK, that they bummed me, but that I hadn't expressed myself well either, so it was OK.
He answered, basically, that he was just teasing me and that it wasn't anything so terrible. So he lowered the profile....which made me feel like I over exaggerated the whole thing.
On one hand...he shouldn't make me feel like this. Or more accurately, I shouldn't allow him to make me feel like this. What I feel is real, if the things he said bothered me I want to express them.
But then, I second guess myself...he always teases me. Maybe I didn't realize he was teasing me in the first place? Or maybe he said he was teasing me to make me feel better in some weird way....or maybe I shouldn't have taken things so seriously....maybe I did exaggerate a bit.
Man, this is tiring!
After I read his reply I finally managed to cry a bit. Even as I write this down my eyes tear up. But I think it's okay, it's okay to feel like this for a while at least.
I'm not sure what his reply did for me. I feel it confirmed he does care for me enough to write back, but at the same time he doesn't care enough for me to say "I'm sorry what i said bothered you", or to start a conversation just because. But again, I second guess myself: why is he avoiding me? We used to talk a lot more...but wait, was he who initiated the conversations? Sometimes...seldom? When we talked now his "good bye" seemed so definitive: que estés bien...something like saying "take care". He shuts down communication whereas before he kept it open...I don't know if this makes sense?
A friend told me: "maybe he's avoiding you because he's confused by you but he already made a decision and doesn't want to complicate things". It was the worse thing I could've heard because it gave me hope even though I know having hopes of getting him is completely counter productive.
Anyway, after being really calm for two days just letting my feelings be and trying to let go slowly I am once again obsessing and feeling like stuff. I know healing is a process and that I shouldn't beat myself up for "relapsing", but man I hate this.
I'm just gonna write the thoughts and questions speeding in my mind:
-I know he's not the last man on earth who I'm going to care about or who might care about me....but I want him. I know I don't need him, but right now I don't want another man...I want him. I know this is stubborn...but is it wrong? I know he's unavailable...but I don't know if he feels something for me...is hope lost concerning him?
-Why did he return to his ex?! I mean, okay, he did it because that's what he wanted and presumably because she's who he wants. But why sleep with me and say all those nice things he said? Why show me he cared enough to remember the first time he saw me (he actually did)? Maybe the answer is: because he's a guy, and he was horny and he said what he thought needed to be said.
He never promised anything. Even as we were together that night he mentioned he and his ex were on an open relationship...which of course makes sense now.
-I feel used! I mean, I repeat, he didn't lure me in under false promises or pretenses but he acted like he cared, he held my hand, he hugged me and kissed me before and after, which I guess is confusing for me.
-I have trouble coming to terms with how little I must mean to him and how much he meant to me as a person. Even not thinking this in terms of romantic love, we were friends...he meant a lot to me as a friend and now I think I meant very little to him if he could have sex with me and then cutting ties with me just like that.
-Maybe he senses I have feelings for him and because he doesn't reciprocate he's trying to minimize damage by distancing himself? Does it matter?
-Why didn't/can't/ will not he choose me? Why didn't/can't/will not he love me?
Today I broke down...I hope it's a step towards healing. Maybe you can help me with these thoughts and questions? Reading outside, more objective thoughts about this situations seems to help me...maybe you can help me look at these thoughts in a different light?
Thank you
To sum my story (I already posted in the newcomers thread): Had a one night stand with a friend I was really into, he seemed into me too, but turns out he wasn't because he went back to his ex. I'm a torch bearer I think, at least what I can say without hesitation is that I'm obsessive, especially when things don't go they way I wanted them to. I thought I dealt well with frustration, mais no.
I been having ups and down in my feelings about the situation and my POA. It's been a month since he went back to his ex. For the past couple of weeks I've been having intrusive thoughts about him, I've fantasized about him in past and future terms (ie. imagining I tell him I like him as more than a friend before we did anything; imagining he breaks up with girlfriend and comes to me), I've felt angry at him and at myself, at my romantic life, I've felt helpless, sad.
But I've also been trying to do something about all these feelings. At first I tried stopping these thoughts about my POA, but although it helped for a while it didn't in the long run. For me at least, resisting the thoughts made it worse, so I applied a different perspective: allowing myself to think about my POA and grieve, understanding it's part of the deal when you "love" someone who doesn't love you back, that it's OK to feel hurt.
This method definitely gave me more mental peace than the other one (I felt kind of desperate telling myself to stop thinking about him every five minutes or so,
). After integrating this logic into my thinking, I thought I could contact my POA again. My thinking was something like: "Why should I not talk to him if I want to? We might never be together as a couple but I still appreciate him as a friend....besides by not contacting him I'm acting as if I'm mad at him when, really, there's nothing to be mad at him for...it's me who developed feelings, he never promised anything, I had expectations."
So, I contacted him through chat...I asked him about a course he had recommended to me once. We started talking, the conversation moved from the recommendation to our old pseudo-intellectual talks. He said some things that bothered me, and going along with my new found philosophy about expressing what I feel, I decided, later that day once he was offline, to tell him that those things he said weren't OK, that they bummed me, but that I hadn't expressed myself well either, so it was OK.
He answered, basically, that he was just teasing me and that it wasn't anything so terrible. So he lowered the profile....which made me feel like I over exaggerated the whole thing.
On one hand...he shouldn't make me feel like this. Or more accurately, I shouldn't allow him to make me feel like this. What I feel is real, if the things he said bothered me I want to express them.
But then, I second guess myself...he always teases me. Maybe I didn't realize he was teasing me in the first place? Or maybe he said he was teasing me to make me feel better in some weird way....or maybe I shouldn't have taken things so seriously....maybe I did exaggerate a bit.
Man, this is tiring!
After I read his reply I finally managed to cry a bit. Even as I write this down my eyes tear up. But I think it's okay, it's okay to feel like this for a while at least.
I'm not sure what his reply did for me. I feel it confirmed he does care for me enough to write back, but at the same time he doesn't care enough for me to say "I'm sorry what i said bothered you", or to start a conversation just because. But again, I second guess myself: why is he avoiding me? We used to talk a lot more...but wait, was he who initiated the conversations? Sometimes...seldom? When we talked now his "good bye" seemed so definitive: que estés bien...something like saying "take care". He shuts down communication whereas before he kept it open...I don't know if this makes sense?
A friend told me: "maybe he's avoiding you because he's confused by you but he already made a decision and doesn't want to complicate things". It was the worse thing I could've heard because it gave me hope even though I know having hopes of getting him is completely counter productive.
Anyway, after being really calm for two days just letting my feelings be and trying to let go slowly I am once again obsessing and feeling like stuff. I know healing is a process and that I shouldn't beat myself up for "relapsing", but man I hate this.
I'm just gonna write the thoughts and questions speeding in my mind:
-I know he's not the last man on earth who I'm going to care about or who might care about me....but I want him. I know I don't need him, but right now I don't want another man...I want him. I know this is stubborn...but is it wrong? I know he's unavailable...but I don't know if he feels something for me...is hope lost concerning him?
-Why did he return to his ex?! I mean, okay, he did it because that's what he wanted and presumably because she's who he wants. But why sleep with me and say all those nice things he said? Why show me he cared enough to remember the first time he saw me (he actually did)? Maybe the answer is: because he's a guy, and he was horny and he said what he thought needed to be said.
He never promised anything. Even as we were together that night he mentioned he and his ex were on an open relationship...which of course makes sense now.
-I feel used! I mean, I repeat, he didn't lure me in under false promises or pretenses but he acted like he cared, he held my hand, he hugged me and kissed me before and after, which I guess is confusing for me.
-I have trouble coming to terms with how little I must mean to him and how much he meant to me as a person. Even not thinking this in terms of romantic love, we were friends...he meant a lot to me as a friend and now I think I meant very little to him if he could have sex with me and then cutting ties with me just like that.
-Maybe he senses I have feelings for him and because he doesn't reciprocate he's trying to minimize damage by distancing himself? Does it matter?
-Why didn't/can't/ will not he choose me? Why didn't/can't/will not he love me?
Today I broke down...I hope it's a step towards healing. Maybe you can help me with these thoughts and questions? Reading outside, more objective thoughts about this situations seems to help me...maybe you can help me look at these thoughts in a different light?
Thank you
