Dating Others in 12 Step Programs

Maybe you have not dated someone who understands you and is not judgmental, but you have found us and your Higher Power. Try to make do for the time being.

loveanimals, be very careful before dating anyone in AA or any other anonymous meetings. There are predators who look for vulnerable folks and their motivations are not always honorable (i.e., having your best interests at heart is not always what they have in mind). A man admitted to me (when I attended SLAA) that he looks for women at his SLAA and AA meetings - he considers it a 'dating pool' and he turned out to be a predator. He lured women into his lair by some dark means. I know. I was one of them.

Please, anyone considering dating a fellow recovering addict -- tread slowly. Question their motivations at every step. Maintain healthy boundaries. Talk to your therapist/counselor (if you have one). Pray to HP for guidance.

HaveFaith

I was single for 16 years. I had stopped looking and was enjoying my life. Then I met Frank in an elevator. He flirted with me and asked me out. I accepted and the rest is history. He is nothing like someone I would have picked online. I got to know him slowly and he grew on me. Then I fell in love. God works in mysterious ways.

"The codependent person in me wants to attend meetings with them and do the steps with them, but saying that has scared off a man in the past."

loveanimals, I SO understand wanting to do this. And I did. A fellow addict approached me in an SLAA meeting, and offered to work the Steps with him. He offered to be my sponsor, saying I had to work the Steps in order to heal and recover.

I was duped. He was charming, seemed SO very sincere. Then he slowly seduced me with his charm and sincerity - I fell for him and his smooth ways. He KNEW I was vulnerable and he took complete advantage of me. I could write a book about it, how he fed my addiction (and his, as well) -- but I won't. Suffice to say, I am in my tenth year of therapy...

HaveFaith

I went to an NA meeting tonight and I could feel the attraction with one man there, and another seemed interested in me. It's crazy how that works. I just told myself I'm there for healing and recovery, and not to meet a partner. The meeting went well.

Oh thank you. I go to a Women's Bible Study on Monday nights. I will check out the Women's meetings, since I'm so attracted to the men.

Does this person have to be a "date"? Think about what you're seeking and think about whether you can get that from a non-romantic friend. I met a couple of my best girlfriends indirectly through AA, and a couple more with crazy upbringings who recovered by other means (therapy, whatever). They have an intimate understanding of my checkered past and my wounds. I agree that someone who has gone through the same things can be a valuable friend to have. These friends are my foundation, my support, my "sisters" and I love them.

I spent most of 10 years with no partner and very few dates, but LOTS of healthy activity...I had to create that life I wanted before I could invite someone else into it. Like always wanting to date a rock star, but then deciding to become a rock star instead. My boyfriend has never been in recovery, but has a respect and understanding of my issues and my past. He can tolerate my level of crazy.

If a potential date shows up, think it over first and I would recommend getting a panel of women friends together to help you sort through it. My "sisters" have done this for me and I've done it for them. If you're too ashamed to discuss it and get feedback from your peers, it's automatically deemed to be not healthy. Really, having this panel of experts (girlfriends who get you) should be required if you want to date in recovery.

Hi, have finished 5 set of steps and I thought i could try dating. My therapist had also encouraged me to do this, better than not trying. Had been single for 4+ Years/
2 weeks ago had downloaded online apps. But had to delete them . And do 30 days not going onto them. Had my my “ match” but seems that we were just far away from each other. So both decided to end it, asked him to block me , because i felt too weak and powerless to do that. Now i am in withdrawal. I feel rejection . And unblocked him couple of times, hoping he would change his mind, and we can find a middle ground.

Dating plan had been discussed with my sponsor, therapist. Some things had changed, out of 100 man talking online only gave my number to 1, pushed back and put boundaries saying i will not talk 18+ talk, it is for exclusive relationship.
There were sparkles and flirt, and emotional connection . However never had met M in person. Thus, i am now feeling it was all but “ assigning magical qualities I wanted “ , i was willing to move for him, or i felt that i was putting way to much effort. Txt quite intense though not 24-7 ;

Currently in withdrawal 30 days no contact. Feeling rejected , put also no contact with family that probably going to be permanent.
I had no contact with them for 2 years previously.

In reality no one asks me on the date, so online dating felt flattering and ego boost- though objectified/,ing - felt really horrible. Once again working through “ not being worthy of love “, and distorted thinking “ he was sent by my HP” those beliefs had tripped me in the past. Dating online it was like a microwave effect, but healthy dating is slow “ oven baking “.

I wanted find out about values, interests, beliefs.. but I couldn’t do it in 5days of chats and 1 video call.
Still hoping he will cone back.

Such a love addict.

Feedback is welcome. Was really unwilling to exchange phone numbers with man, not doing anything rushed so many had fell pff naturally. Wanted to be wanted, desired and was willing to cross my bottom lines for M. I haven’t done this for a while, but I could see my addiction. Very scary experience. Thanks for allowing me to share, feedback is welcome 🙏

I think you are very brave to try dating again. I’m not sure I could do it.